LONDON CALLING

Here is what I've learned about London thus far:

1) BRING LOTS OF POWDER - Brits do not embrace air conditioning like their brothers and sisters across the pond, thus, even the most cleverly applied concealer is doomed to failure.

2) THE ROCK AND ROLL T-SHIT LOOK FOR MEN IS OVER - AND I MEAN OVER - Brits are wearing slim-fitted cowboy shirts (solids and plaids) with skinny jeans and skinny ties - very Justin "sexy back" Timberlake. Keep in mind most male Brits are built like Nicole Richie, so buyer beware - even I had to buy shirts labeled large. I mean, on 18th street in Chelsea I'm a waif, but in the east end of London, I'm a pumped out muscle boy. Who knew?

3)THE LONDON TUBE (SUBWAY) IS AMAZING AND HORRIBLE AT THE SAME TIME - I love that the tube - unlike NYC - runs every 2 minutes and criss crosses the city rather than just up and down - ths makes life so much easier. The downside: The cars are tiny with no air conditioning and the tube stops running at 12 midnight.

4) THE EXCHANGE RATE IS HORRIBLE - I am buying very little here - the exchange rate is 2 to 1 in favor of the Brits. I mean, everything is double of what you would pay for a similar item in America.

5) DIANA ROSS AND THE SUPREMES GOWN COLLECTION AT THE V&A MUSEUM - This exhibit is a dream come true for any music lover - or a music lover that is a big fag. This collection - put together by former Supreme Mary Wilson and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame - showcases the rise of the girl group via music, video screened interviews, album covers and gowns. A must see.

6) I LOVE A BRITISH ACCENT - I've said it before, and I'll say it again, men are just sexier with an accent.

LONDON

Well, I couldn't wait to post. I am in the east end of London at the fabulous Hoxton Hotel. www.hoxtonhotels.com. The east end of London is very similar to the trendy lower east side of Manhattan - lots of hipsters and skinny minnies. I love it. I board the boat in Harwich on Saturday.

VACATION - 2000 FAGS ON A BOAT

Hello everyone - I am leaving today for my summer vacation. I am once again taking a big gay cruise to Europe. I will be posting about my shenanigins when I return in mid-September.

ROAD TRIP

I had a great shoot up by the Canadian border this week – beautiful country. I was offered the opportunity to fly or rent a car…I chose road trip. And boy, am I glad I did – the crew got stuck sleeping at the airport due to weather while I zoomed home through the Catskill Mountains via four wheels and a hefty dose of Starbucks.

I made my usual stops along the way – Target, Costco and various outlet malls, but this road trip I found something new. Coasting along Route 81 slurping a cherry Dairy Queen Mister Misty, I saw a huge billboard that advertised…ADULT OUTLET – TRUCKERS WELCOME. Well, you know I had to check it out.

Located a few blocks off the highway, Adult Outlet was a huge bunker of a buiding surrounded by a gravel pit. A sign on the door read…Everyone Leaves Happy. I swear, I am not making this up.

Once inside, I thought I was at a bear convention – I have never seen so many overweight men in my life. I mean, Louie Anderson would be the thin pretty one here. In the back was a “video room” where men leaving were adjusting their zippers as well as their wedding rings. Amidst all of the married men were dildos, blowup dolls, lube and other assorted sex toys for sale. I wondered as I left…Who buys this stuff on the interstate – and when do they get the chance to use it?

As I was getting into my rental car, a hefty trucker strode up to me:

“You know, you would look mighty fine in a long blonde wig.”

I wasn’t at all shocked by his comment. I mean, it wasn’t the first time I’d been told that – although it’s usually a red wig.

I noticed he was carrying one of those keychains with picture charms – his photos were of a chunky brunette woman and three chubby kids eating Eskimo Pies. I guess he needed a blonde moment – don’t we all?

“You wouldn’t happen to have a wig in the car?”

I told him in an extremely nice way I wasn’t interested and drove off on my journey. The odd thing was, I did have a blonde wig packed in my makeup/hair bag.

MINNESOTA STYLE

You can't make this shit up.

Below is an actual article from the leading Minnesota newspaper.

Yes, Minnesota style at it's finest.

You go, Libby.


Style star: Libby Benda, from Highland Park, St. Paul.

Spotted at: Hennepin and Lake.

This Uptown intersection is the easiest place in town to find a fashion plate -- at any given moment, even on a Sunday night. That's where Benda was after having dinner with friends at Chino Latino last weekend. While she doesn't begin studying at St. Thomas until fall, her shopping skills are clearly already at the college level: This yellow and black dress is from Forever 21, the shoes are from Charlotte Russe and the shoulder bag is from the Fun Sisters Boutique.

SARA GLASSMAN

NO MORE MANHUNT.NET

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MISTER MAKEUP

Hey - My buddy Mister Makeup has a new column up - take a peek at www.celebrityeverything.com.

A CLOSE ONE

Boy, did we dodge a bullet.

I'm talking about John Edwards and his wayward penis.

I mean, what was he thinking? In this youtube era, did he really think he wouldn't be caught? And why did he pick a middle-aged bottle blonde to cheat with? If you're gonna risk it all, at least pull a Gary Hart and fuck a big tittied whore like Donna Rice.

All I can say is, Obama, keep it in your pants.

TAKING OUT THE LONG ISLAND TRASH

I love Anderson Cooper.

“Living Lohan is just atrocious,” said Anderson, who branded the showbusiness family “horrific.”

“I cannot believe I’m wasting a minute of my life watching these horrific people,” Anderson retorted.

Even young Ali Lohan wasn’t safe from one of Andy’s quips:

“[Ali] is a 14-year-old girl, looks to be about 60. She allegedly wants to be a singer and or actor-slash-performer of some sort, striptease person, I don’t know.”

I mean.in all fairness though, Ali does look like a 40-year-old soccer mom.

Family matriarch Dina Lohan has hit back, saying, “People are just cruel! This is bad karma for him.”

You, go Anderson.

MIDNIGHT AT THE OASIS

I couldn’t sleep last night. Maybe it was the rain, maybe it was the sticky heat, or maybe it was because my mind wouldn’t shut up. I needed to have a drink. I got dressed and left the apartment. I didn’t shower – I planned on getting dirty where I was headed.

In a dark bar on Avenue B, the city that never sleeps was wide-awake at 3 am. The vodka/ diet Coke tasted divine, but I knew the slightly drunk man next to me that smelled of whiskey and cigarettes would taste even better. I barely smiled at him and we were in a corner making out. He had a deep foreign accent and wore a shark’s tooth on a leather cord around his neck. He was sexy and strong, and he had muscles in a manly way – not a Chelsea way. And yeah, he kissed me like he meant business.

I didn’t take him home. Something about him scared me. I told him I had to meet a friend and I left the bar. I went home and slept like a baby.

It’s been a rough week. Saturday was the sixth anniversary of my husband’s death. On that same day, I received two rejection notices from apartments I had applied for. Before the clock struck Midnight, a business partner announced he no longer wanted to work with me. The next morning, I went downstairs and someone had stolen the two tires off my bicycle – the only night I had forgotten to chain the tires.

I played Joni Mitchell's "Blue" CD the entire afternoon.

Is it no wonder I can’t sleep?

SAY NO TO WALMART

I found this tidbit in the news today.

"WalMart Stores Inc., the world's largest retailer, denied a report Friday that it had pressured employees to vote against Democrats in November because of worries that a bill the party supports would make it easier for workers to unionize.


The measure, called the Employee Free Choice Act, would allow labor organizations to unionize workplaces without secret ballot elections. It was co-sponsored by Barack Obama, the presumed Democratic presidential candidate, and opposed by John McCain, the presumed Republican nominee."

Oh, please, WalMart is one big Republican franchise.

Please do not shop at WalMart.

MINNEAPOLIS

You know, this fat thing is getting out of hand.

Let me explain:

I was in Minneapolis this past week and I was shocked at how many more fat people I saw. Now Minnesota is well known as the land of 10,000 fatties, but this trip the mirth and girth was out of control. I mean, everywhere I went I saw fatties so fat they had to use scooters, walkers or wheelchairs to maneuver about.

I'm sorry, but if you're so fat that you can't even walk on your own, it's time to put down the fork.

MANHATTAN MOMENTS

The glorious thing about Manhattan is that you never know how your day is going to end up. I mean, the possibilities are endless.

Let me explain:

I woke up hung over – last night my friend took me to an advance screening of Mamma Mia, which is not only fabulous, it’s fagulous. The after party was at some smarmy, but chic lounge on the lower east side. More importantly, the drinks and food were free. Since the economy is in the toilet, and pennies are tight, I decided to drink up. At 3 am, I walked – or stumbled – up Avenue A to my apartment. The entire evening: $4.

I had planned to spend the day in bed watching reruns of Project Runway when the phone rang.

It was the Israeli.

He wanted to come over for a visit.

I looked in the mirror.

Not pretty.

Give me an hour, I said as I reached for the concealer.

After a quick 90-minute love session, the Israeli was out the door.

As I lounged like a kitten in our sex sheets, the phone rang. It was Ken, an elderly South African diplomat that I had not heard from in months. He needed a date to a dinner party. With Ken, I never spend a dime, and so what if payment is his wrinkly hand giving me a hand job at evening’s end.

I tossed on a slim black t-shirt with some Prada pants and accessorized myself with a drum of Ivory Bisque concealer. Ken took me to an amazing dinner party at the United Nations. He kept commenting on my glowing skin - I did not tell him 45 minutes earlier I had been rolling in the hay. The other diners included various Broadway producers, diplomats and bankers - all very interesting. One savvy woman whispered to me on the balcony – “I know you look young, but I can tell by your conversation that you’re much older.” She winked at me and smiled.

Back at Ken’s Tudor City apartment, he served me a big glass of champagne. I saw him reach for the Kiehl's Extra Creamy hand lotion and I knew it was time to pay my bill. I leaned back in his authentic Barcelona chair and marveled at his spectacular view of the Chrysler Building. I fantasized about the Israeli and my payment came very quick.

MUSLIMS

This is why it is so fucked up to insinuate Obama is a Muslim...because the majority of Muslims are insane.

Oh, I sound a bit harsh? You bet.

Take what happened today in the middle east: Israel exchanged a killer that murdered numerous people - including a child and her father -for the bodies of two slain servicemen.

What do the crazy Muslims do in Lebanon? They throw a party in honor of the murderer and proclaim him a national hero.

That honey, is how fucked up Muslims are.

NASTY POLITICS

The current New Yorker Magazine cover is disgusting. I mean, does anyone other than a Republican think this is funny?

Mark my words, the Republicans play dirty, and they will be pushing the Muslim envelope big time as the race heats up. Much like Bush cronies did in the 2000 Republican primaries (making phone calls to Republicans insinuating that old daddy McCain had a black child), McCain cronies will be making similar phone calls to Democrats insinuating Obama is a Muslim.

Let's hope Obama doesn't get sunk by this swift boat.

PANDERING TO THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT

McCain’s extremist opposition to gay adoption is not only stupid, but lacks scientific backing.

In a revealing interview with the New York Times, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) — an adoptive parent himself — declared that he opposed the right of gay couples to adopt children, even if it meant leaving children in orphanages:

Q: President Bush believes that gay couples should not be permitted to adopt children. Do you agree with that?

Mr. McCain: I think that we’ve proven that both parents are important in the success of a family so, no I don’t believe in gay adoption.

Q: Even if the alternative is the kid staying in an orphanage, or not having parents.

Mr. McCain: I encourage adoption and I encourage the opportunities for people to adopt children I encourage the process being less complicated so they can adopt as quickly as possible. And Cindy and I are proud of being adoptive parents.

Q: But your concern would be that the couple should a traditional couple —

Mr. McCain: Yes.

So old daddy McCain would rather see children waste away in orphanages and foster care than be adopted by loving parents - even after study after study confirms that children raised with gay parents are NO different than those raised with straight parents.

What an asshole.

DIGITAL DIET

Is this really Jennifer Hudson?

Either she is about to check into the anorexia wing of the Nicole Richie Hospital , or this picture has been photoshopped to death.

I mean, thin is always "in", but I kinda liked Miss Effie White big-boned.

HEART ATTACK

I'm having a Heart moment.

I hated these girls in the 1980's, but lately, their sappy metal power ballads - "Alone", "What About Love" and "These Dreams" - are making me smile. I also adore watching their dreadful videos on youtube. I mean, was their wardrobe, hair and makeup team on crack? I've never seen so much eyeliner, purple hair, leopard print and lace outfits in my entire life - not even in a Cher video!

I also love how the director is forever trying to shield the obesity of lead singer Ann Wilson. In one video, she was only seen in a cropped - no chins - face shot in a video screen next to the stage. In another video, a wide-angle lens is used to stretch her body; and in yet another attempt, the hairstylist glued her long hair extensions to her chubby cheeks to minimize the width of her wide face. If all else failed, the director would blur her out with artful dark lighting or use a body double. And if the group was ever shown on stage, it was from far, far away and Ann was dressed in a head-to-toe black coat.

Of course, Ann's vocally challenged - but thin and blond - sister, is all over the videos in skimpy outfits pretending to sing.

I've read that the sisters' hated making these videos - and I don't blame them, but they are my new guilty pleasures.

COFFEE BREAK

You know, I need to stay out of Starbucks.

Let me explain:

I don't understand why a person would wait 10 minutes in a line of 20 people and not have your order ready and your money out. Today, some twat in front of me stood for 10 minutes, and when it was her turn to order, didn't know what she wanted....furthermore, she had to fiddle around in her obvious fake Coach bag for her money.

Well, I had had enough.

"Don't you think you could have figured all this out while you waited 10 minutes in the line - you are making everyone wait."

She looked at me with evil in her Jersey eyes ..."I don't think it's any of your business."

Thank goodness for New Yorkers...three people behind me screamed at her to hurry the hell up.

As she picked up her coffee, a black woman yelled at her...."And you ain't fooling anyone with that fake Coach bag either."

Only in New York, kids, only in New York.

ROT IN HELL

The wicked witch of the south is dead. I hope the munchkins are singing and dancing – because I certainly am.

Patron saint of hate, Jesse Helms, passed away on July 4th and I couldn’t be happier.

This man proudly proclaimed himself a bigot of both blacks and gays and fought against their civil rights his entire life. What’s frightening is this man spewed his hate while he was a United States Senator for over 25 years!!

Here are a few direct quotes from him and examples of his handiwork:

"The Negro cannot count forever on the kind of restraint that's thus far left him free to clog the streets, disrupt traffic, and interfere with other men's rights."

The University of North Carolina was "the University of Negroes and Communists."

"There is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy."

Homosexuality is "degenerate," and homosexuals "weak, morally sick wretches."

In 1993 sang "Dixie" in an elevator to Carol Moseley-Braun, the first African-American woman elected to the Senate, bragging, "I'm going to make her cry. I'm going to sing Dixie until she cries."

More recently, when a caller to CNN's Larry King Live show praised guest Jesse Helms for "everything you've done to help keep down the niggers," Helms' response was to salute the camera and say, "Well, thank you, I think."

Helms would win election against black opponent Harvey Gantt with an ad playing to racist white fear-- the so-called "white hands" ad, in which a white man's hands crumple a rejected job application while a voiceover intones, "You needed that job…but they had to give it to a minority."

With his passing, it’s another nail in the coffin for “old white man” politics.

Rot in hell