WHY?

It was sad watching train wreck Britney Spears waddle around the stage at the MTV video awards last night. I mean, why her handlers let her perform in the first place is a mystery to me.

Not only did she appear stoned out of her mind, but her lip syncing and dancing made her look like a joke from the American Idol try outs.

And that bikini? Doesn't she own a full-length mirror? She should take a cue from Liza - "Show the best and cover the rest." Amen.

Sadly, her legitimate career is over - all hail the new Anna Nicole Smith.

HE'S BACK

MILWAUKEE

I took a road trip to visit a friend in Milwaukee this past weekend - and the home of Laverne and Shirley has changed a lot since my last visit - and for the better. Sure there are still tons of blue collar guys with big bellies and scary ghetto folks, but the east side has cleaned itself up rather nicely and is lined with fun restaurants and coffee shops. In fact, I like Milwaulkee more than Minneapolis.

But let's not forget we are in the Midwest.

As the picture above proves, there is still a long way to go - these are some scary beeetches.

ON A STICK

As much as I complain about Minnesota, I do the love the annual State Fair - the largest in the United States. I mean, it's the only place I know that serves every imaginable food on a stick. I love the clear blue August skies and the utter campiness of a State Fair in the year 2007.

I also like looking at the hundreds of hot small town baby misters. I think Andy Warhol said it best..."The older I get, the better looking the young become."

I'M NOT GAY

Don't you love it when hypocritical republicans like Larry Craig fuck up?

I do.

Every fag in Minneapolis is aware that the airport bathroom is ripe with closet cases looking for dick to suck - and also ripe with undercover police. I mean, who cares if terrorists are plotting to blow up the airport, let's spend our money on catching those disgusting fudge packers.

I laughed out loud when I heard Mr. Craig describe his "wide leg stance" when taking a dump or his remark that he was "just picking up toilet paper off the floor." I guess Senator Larry Craig won't be getting his usual 100 percent rating by the Family Values Association this year. No sirree.

He can now join the ranks of other closeted self-hating homos like Mark Foley and Ted Haggard.

I say good riddance.

LAND OF THE BLAND

I am in Minneapolis for my annual summer vacation. I have plenty to write about...such as why does every woman in the state of Minnesota have a lesbianonic "bob" haircut? Gross. I mean, it's very unfuckable.

More to come of my unhappy stay in Minneapolis tomorrow.

2000 FAGS ON A BOAT (PART 8) PARTIES

2000 FAGS ON A BOAT (PART 7) COMPARE AND DISPAIR

There are a million places to dine on a cruise. I mean, you can have your choice of any worldly cuisine in the many restaurants and buffets. But the best dining experience bar none is the grand 5-star San Marco; where white-coated waiters serve lobster, filet mignon, veal and other delicacies – and yes, there is the army of silver wear to sort through.

Now on most cruises, you are assigned a table for the duration of your cruise, but that isn’t the case on a gay cruise. Each night you are seated with a new slew of queens to make small talk with. I mean, some evenings you can have the good fortune to be seated with a group of fun fags, but other nights you end up with a painful serving of compare and despair.

Let me explain:

On a bad night, my best friend Peter and I would have to sit and listen to wealthy and happy monogamous couples chat endlessly about their various 40-acre mansions, beachfront condos in St. Tropez and other assorted prizes of wealth.

Over the five-course meal, Peter and I (both single and middle class) would stare at each other and ponder at what point in the homo road of life did we take the wrong turn.

Some nights we choose to dine in the buffet because we couldn’t take another evening of being reminded that we were both romantically and financially inferior.

2000 FAGS ON A BOAT (PART 6) SEX

OK - everyone wants to know about sex on the big gay cruise. Well, there is some hooking up - but not as much as you think. I mean, the boat was full of happy - I hate them - couples, but if you wanted a quick poke, you could easily find it.

Of course, the steam room was a total suck and fuck fest; and the hot tubs were so packed with horny men that they resembled bowls of "bear soup." And let's not forget the "14th floor" - the tippy-top little deck for nude sunbathing that transformed into an al fresco orgy after midnight.

But the "let's get busy" award goes to Sam and Rob. This frisky couple plastered their cabin door with printed up postcards advertising their travel schedule and their sexual likes and dislikes.

No, I didn't knock on their door, but I saw plenty that did.

2000 FAGS ON A BOAT (PART 5) BELINDA CARLISLE HAS PANTY LINES

Every gay cruise has a surprise “star” performance. On previous trips, the “star” – and I use that term extremely loosely – has been Debbie “Only in My Dreams” Gibson, Charo and Joan Rivers.

I know, has-beens one and all.

On the Baltic’s, we were joined by Go-Go Belinda Carlisle. She croaked out her various solo and Go-Go hits with a blasé smile plastered on her face. Clad in a drab "garden party" pantsuit sans shoes, it was obvious as she robotically sang along to a backing track that she was in disbelief that her career had been reduced to singing on a floating resort to a bunch of drunken queens.

During a flat performance of “Circle in the Sand”, one queen leaped from the front row and screamed:

“Belinda – your music saved my life.”

As I contained my laughter from such an idiotic statement, Belinda just smirked at the poor soul and moved to the other side of the stage.

So how is the old gal holding up? I wish I could say my lips were sealed, but that isn't me, is it?

For starters, her face had that odd taut and shiny appearance ala Nicole Kidman from too much Botox and filler; and her neck looked a little bunchy from an ill-fated neck lift, but for 51 she looked pretty good.

What really surprised me were the visible panty lines on her wide pancake flat ass. I mean, I know she lives in southern France, but hasn’t she heard of Spanx? I just wanted to yell outloud..."Bitch, you got pantylines!"

As one old queen sitting behind me said before storming out mid- show….

“For the love of God, she can’t even sing, and for all the money we paid for this trip, she could at least put on a nice dress and a pair of Jimmy Choos.”

2000 FAGS ON A BOAT (PART 4) THE LOWER FACE

What I've discovered on the boat is that gay men of all ages tend to dress like teenage boys....well, some can get away with it, and others cannot.

I mean, you can wear all the A & F gear you want; and stuff your face to the brim with botox and fillers, but what gives away your age more than anything is a saggy lower face.

You know, double chins, slack jawlines, droopy jowls. I mean, if you're gonna dress like a teenager, at least have the good sense to scrutinize your face and take appropriate action with your surgeon.

2000 FAGS ON A BOAT (PART 3) EUROPE

I just adore Europe.

I love the delicious cappuccinos, the yummy yogurts and creamy gelatos - not to mention the nice and stylish people.

Here is a list of things I love about Europe.

1) No screaming brats. Never in my American life have I seen so many happy and quiet children. I mean, no ghetto mothers or white trailer trash mothers allowed - you know the kind, the ones who let their children run wild and cart them around in strollers at 1 am.

2) No fat people. OK, maybe 10 pounds overweight, but absolutely no hefty hideaway jumbos in sight.

3) The laid back lifestyle. I love that no one seems to be in a hurry - and the work weeks are shorter and the vacations longer. I mean, everyone seems so happy and content.

4) Fabulous music. The radio and MTV actually play a diverse selection of music - not just ghetto rap like in America.

5) I love that Sundays are total leisure time - no rush to get shopping done or extra work. The cities are dead and the seaside resorts are full of smiling people on the seventh day.

6) Tons of fresh fruit.

7) The nerve to name a store Topman.

8) No George Bush in charge - nuff' said.

2000 FAGS ON A BOAT (PART 2) COPENHAGEN

Today, after an exhausting layover in Amsterdam, we arrived in Copenhagen, Denmark – the start of the big gay cruise.

The temperature was a chilly 50 degrees, but that didn’t stop the locals from eating ice cream. I mean, wherever we walked the tall, blonde and painfully thin Danes were eating ice cream. I think the reason the Danes stay so thin is their love of bike riding – yes, like Amsterdam, everyone young or old uses a bicycle as their mode of transportation.

As a New Yorker, what I found odd was the lack of bicycle locks. I mean, loose bikes were just standing or leaning all over the place just waiting to be stolen. Apparently, crime is very low in Denmark. Also, Danes never jaywalk - even with zero traffic, huge crowds of Danes will wait patiently until the light turns green before entering the crosswalk.

As for style, the trendy Danes sport super low-slung jeans with Puma sneakers. Most of the men are oddly attractive with short foreheads, thick brow bones and wide high-bridged noses. Apparently, in some survey, Danes were reported to be the happiest in the world; and I have to say this appears to be true. I mean, couples of all ages were out and about at all hours holding hands and mingling with smiles on their faces.

The coolest thing about Copenhagen is Tivoli Gardens – a huge amusement park that Walt Disney used as a model for his Disneyland. At night, amidst the glittering rides, restaurants and colorful gardens, 70’s band Tower of Power played on the main stage.

On the boat that evening, our gay entertainment was the highly touted Bjorn Again singing Abba hits. My look this summer has been wearing bandanas around my head ala Axel Rose and leatherette wristbands. Ok, I admit on my femmy face and retro-feathered hair it comes off more Olivia Newton John Physical than Guns and Roses, but what the hell. At our lobster dinner that night, a queen from Kansas City looked at me and laughed in a loud cheery voice:

“Oh, how cool – you’re in costume for the Abba show tonight.”

No, I replied, this is how I dress all the time.

Yes, a freak amongst freaks, that’s me.

2000 FAGS ON A BOAT (PART 1)

Let me begin with this: Gay cruises are nothing like straight cruises.

I mean, for starters, the boat’s fun factor runs 24 hours a day; and there is no formal attire required, no pre-arranged seating and no cheesy entertainment – in fact, all of the entertainment is gay oriented from drag queens to gay comedians, to gay hypnotists to gay cabaret singers to gay Djs to gay icons (Belinda Carlisle) to gay movies on your cabin television.

Honey, it’s just one big gay extravaganza.

As one tiny filipino waitress told me in broken English over throbbing disco music at 4 am…”The gay cruise is the best cruise…no old people and you people drink and dance all night.”

The boat we sailed on was the Celebrity Constellation – the #1 rated boat in the industry. Yes, only the best for us queens.

The majority of my trendy downtown gay friends were aghast that I would spend a few weeks with 2000 mainstream homos, but I found it refreshing. I mean, being around 2000 normal queers was enlightening insomuch as it busted my lifestyle bubble that is Manhattan. In NYC, most gays are trim, tan and tattooed and think a relationship is something they share with their gym trainers. On the boat it was interesting to meet gays of all shapes and ages that have been in committed relationships for years and years.

But one thing kept nagging at me with certain couples that claimed to be monogamous. I mean, what happens sexually when one partner stays young and sexy while the other partner grows fat and ugly? It’s kind of like a George and Barbara Bush thing – and we all know he ain’t fucking grandma.

The trip continues tomorrow.

ALMOST HOME

Check back next week, kids - MM has tons of gay stories from my big gay cruise to share.

BIG GAY VACATION

Hello bloggers - MM is cruising the Baltic Sea for 10 days - I'm sure I will have plenty of pictures and tales of debauchery on the high seas in just a few weeks - stay tuned.

A DOG'S LIFE

Only on the island of Manhattan do dogs eat as well as humans.

Let me explain:

My pal Terri has a splendid pitbull that is as cute as it is well behaved. Over dinner last night, she informed me that she feeds her pooch organic buffalo meat from Whole Foods.

Apparently, her dog has "food allergies" and a "finicky" tummy.

My dog lived for 17 years on a diet of Gaines Burgers and Liver Snaps.

Only in New York City, kids.

TOP DIVORCE

Controversial author Salman Rushdie and "Top Chef" host Padma Lakshmi are getting divorced.

I'm surprised she stayed married so long...I mean, can you imagine sleeping with that?

I guess now that she has her own money, she can kiss his old ass goodbye.

MOVING ON UP?

Manhattan is losing one of its landmarks. Worse, it’s moving to Las Vegas.

Famed punk palace CBGB’s is shuttering it’s doors. The club that launched the careers of Blondie, The Ramones and The B-52s has met up with the genocide known as gentrification. Located on the Bowery, the club is now sharing street space with fancy restaurants that are crowded with Connecticut cunts drinking million dollar soy lattes.

Personally, I knew the club’s days were numbered when I visited Minnesota and witnessed hordes of Minnesota yuppies sporting t-shirts emblazoned with the club’s logo. It also didn’t help when pretend punk Avril Lavigne – a former country performer!! – wore the t-shirt in her videos.

Now the club is being dismantled and taken to a Las Vegas museum.

Sad.

GROW UP PUSSY

Grey's Anatomy's Isaiah Washington is not only a homophobe, but a crybaby, too.

Here's what he had to say in this week's Newsweek magazine:

"My mistake was thinking black people get second chances. I was wrong on all fronts," he said.

"Well, it didn't help me on the set that I was a black man who wasn't a mush-mouth Negro walking around with his head in his hands all the time. I didn't speak like I'd just left the plantation and that can be a problem for people sometime," he said.

Honey, you were canned because you called your castmate a faggot, not because you are a "poor black man living in white America." I work everyday in the entertainment industry, and we don't put up with homophobes or racists.

I have a feeling this man believes his shit smells like roses, too.

Adios, Mr. Washington, I'll see you in summer stock, because your career is over.