GAY TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

There is a new phenomenon in Manhattan - the straight gay man.

Let me explain:

I'm not talking about the phony and ridiculous straight "Chelsea boys" with their tattoos and shaved heads who prance about like ballerinas while professing they are straight acting and appearing. NO NO NO!

I'm talking about straight men that actually like playing sports, drinking beer and hanging out with their buds. I mean, they have girlfriends, wives and kids, but they also like a little dick on the side. I've been reading about these men on sex sites for months, but I thought they were an urban myth like alligators in the sewers...until yesterday.

I was on a shoot for a fitness magazine; and I thought the model was straight as an arrow - he talked non-stop about his girlfriend and the "game" on the tube. He also kept complimenting me on my skin and my surgically enhanced lips. Hmmm...I thought.... let’s play this one out. I told him I had some acne cream he could use, but it was at my apartment.

He called and is coming over tomorrow to watch the game.

ROSIE

Well, I knew it was too good to last.

I'm talking about Rosie on The View.

Thanks to America's scariest lesbian, she turned a 10-year old snorefest into something worth watching. I mean, even if you hated her far left views, you have to agree that she made the show entertaining.

Who knows why she left...I don't think she was fired, because the ratings and reviews were superb. My guess is that the brass at ABC asked her to tone it down, but zillionaire Rosie said no dice.

I'll miss you Rosie.

IPOD PROBLEM

Ipods cause many problems from accidents to sore ear drums. Well, now add farts to that list of problems.

Let me explain.

I was at Crunch tonight sweating it out on the bike, when the rider next to me let out a series of disgusting farts.

No, I don't like fart jokes, and this ain't no joke. This guy had on his ipod, so he probably thought he could sneak out a little one. Well, honey, he squirted out a couple that were so loud I think Helen Keller heard them. I mean, heads turned.

So, dear ipod users, please remember that just because you don't hear your bodily noises, others do.

GOTTA LAUGH

I was out late Saturday night having coffee - an iced decaf soy latte with Splenda - when I heard the funniest thing.

One friend asked another:

"What celebrity do you most admire."

The friend answered without missing a beat:

"Oprah - because it's amazing someone so evil does so much good in the world."

I laughed myself silly.

CABARET

A few weeks back, I ran into Joel Grey and his “Dirty Dancing” nose-jobbed-herself-out-of-a job daughter Jennifer on Christopher Street. I mean, Mr. Grey and his impish face are hard to miss. I guess I was staring a tad too hard, because he stuck out his hand and introduced himself. I mumbled a few star struck words and I was on my way, but it got me to thinking of Mr. Grey’s Oscar-winning role in Cabaret; and what a landmark film it was.

Although Cabaret is 25 years old, it is as fresh and reverent in 2007 as it was in 1972. Filmed by famed Broadway director Bob Fosse, his Broadway meets Hollywood mish mash style is all the rage today, but in 1972 it was quite new. I mean, his eerie meandering cinematography is a mesmerizing visual visit to a 1930's Berlin that is both haunting and disturbingly beautiful.

The movie is based on a short story from Christopher Isherwood’s brilliant memoir Berlin Stories. The plot is simple: A collection of social misfits – gays, transsexuals, Jews, performers, drunks, gold diggers – that live their lives in and around a decadent cabaret. As the characters smile and cry amidst the poverty and ruin of post World War 1 Germany, Hitler and his Nazis are slowly gaining political strength that will forever change the social landscape – the divine innocence would soon be gone.

The film won eight Oscars. Unfortunately, like many classic films, the actors that embodied the roles so brilliantly were forever pigeonholed. Liza Minnelli, now considered a haggard media joke, so embodied the part of Sally Bowles it stunted her career. But no matter how many gay men she weds or how many Letterman jokes she becomes, her Oscar winning portrayal is pure genius and can never be denied her.

As Cher - another fallen Oscar winner - recently said to her hecklers …”Fuck you, I’ve got an Oscar.”

Rent or buy Cabaret – it’s not only a visual treat, but also a slice of history that is educational, thought provoking and wildly entertaining.

GUNS GROW IN VIRGINIA

When is America going to wake-up and pass a tough gun control law? These mass killings are happening so frequently, I'm kinda numb to the whole thing - and that's not good.

I mean, how many people have to die?

And what does this say about Bush and his republican cronies who champion the right to carry a gun? It's no secret the gun lobby in Washington is one of the strongest lobbies in history - and that's criminal!

I ask these gun fanatics: Why do you feel the need to carry a gun?

Condi (Cunti) Rice champions the right to bear arms by claiming her grandfather saved his family from the Klan with his gun. Oh, please - what bullshit. If the Klan wanted to nail her grandpa, believe me, one black man with a gun would not have stopped them. But that's the argument these gun kooks use - guns will protect us. Well, every study in every country has found the opposite to be true - the more guns a society has, the more guns a society will use.

Wake up America.

THE BRECK GIRL

What is the big fucking deal if John Edwards wants to shell out $400 on a haircut? I mean, does anyone mention the price Hillary or Laura or Georgie or Condi pay for his or her cuts and colors?

I think not.

Trust me, the rich are just different – and that doesn’t make them bad – and $400 to the rich is like $40 to you or I.

THANK GOODNESS

Thank goodness, Minnesota has come to its senses and voted to penalize Muslim cabdrivers that refuse to transport airport passengers with guide dogs or passengers with unopened bottles of liquor.

Of course, the towelheads are up in arms and claiming religious discrimination.

I say: FUCK YOU.

If one takes a public service job such as a taxi driver, one must pick up the public. I mean, numerous passengers were dumped at the side of the road in questionable neighborhoods after the driver became aware that the passenger was transporting liquor.

America only needs to look across the pond to England to see what occurs when the Muslims are left unchecked.

I applaud my home state.

But it doesn't end there - read this amazing and informative article printed in the Minneapolis Star/Tribune, which is normally as liberal as liberal gets. The article details how Muslims have websites dedicated to bending entire colleges to their religious ways. Several colleges have already buckled under the pressure and are now catering to Muslims - Muslim holidays, head scarves for women, halal food at cafeterias, separate housing for Muslim women, separate times at the gym for Muslims - at the expense of other religions. Truly shocking. Read the article - copy and paste to your browser. http://www.startribune.com/191/story/1122449.html

DOUBLE STANDARDS PART II

I’m glad that Don Imus was fired – what he said about the hoop girls was despicable. I mean, he should have been fired just for sporting that awful hair style.

But one thing does bother me – I would hate for his firing to be seen as a feather in Al Sharpton’s hat.

I see Al Sharpton as not only a troublemaker, but also a hypocritical one at that.

Let’s not forget he has gone on record as calling the raped-and-left-for dead Central Park Jogger a “whore” because she said her attackers were black.

Let’s not forget that he has called Jews “diamond merchants” and gays ‘homos”.

Let’s not forget that Sharpton led a protest in Harlem concerning a rent dispute that led/encouraged a man to enter the building and kill himself and seven others.

Let’s not forget his involvement in the lies of the Tawana Brawley case in which he labeled several white officers guilty of the crime - only to discover little Miss Tawana made the whole thing up. He has NEVER apologized to any of these men.

I’m just calling them as I see them dawg.

DOUBLE STANDARDS

I was in Minneapolis this past week, and amidst the fat and fashion challenged folks, I discovered yet another disgusting element in the cornfield - the preferential treatment of Muslims.

Let me explain:

In the state of Minnesota, it is against the law to display religious themed holiday paraphernalia or to discuss or show any religious preference whatsoever. This past holiday season, numerous crosses, Christmas trees and menorahs were removed from public places - even a coffee selling pushcart was forced to stop broadcasting holiday themed music. In other words, no element of Judaism or Christianity is allowed to exist in public.

OK, that sounds cool to me - I don’t like to see religious things in public either.

But now I am shocked to learn that the University of Minnesota and other public institutions are giving prayer rooms to Muslims complete with foot washing stations.

I mean, what kind of bullshit is this? I guess it’s ok to worship Allah in public, but not Jesus.

But that isn’t the half of it.

Just weeks ago, Muslim cab drivers at the airport were refusing to transfer blind travelers with guide dogs or travelers with liquor, thus leaving many people stranded. Next, it was reported that some Muslim cashiers were refusing to scan or touch pork items. Apparently, dog spit, booze and pork are against the Muslim religion, but killing infidels is not.

I hate to pull an Ann Coulter here…but if you don’t like it here or can’t abide by our customs, get the fuck out.

I can’t imagine an American going to an Arab country, and after taking full advantage of the lucrative welfare system – free food stamps, free healthcare, free rent – start demanding special religious privileges in public environments.

I’m sorry, but this is just fucked up.

DOWNTOWN DOGS

I love dogs – I don’t love barking dogs.

Let me explain:

I live in a rear apartment in the East Village, which is normally very quiet. When I moved into the building over a decade ago, the neighborhood was home to a strong bohemian culture. However, since the Nazi-enforced Giuliani clean-up program, rich Connecticut cunts and Jersey jack-offs in True Religion jeans and Balanciaga handbags have moved in.

I mean, they walk around the neighborhood as if they own it.

Sadly, in reality, they do.

Over the past few years, these “bought-and-paid-for” fashionistas have bought up many of the smaller buildings and turned them into grand homes with suburban decks complete with hot tubs and bikini-clad girls.

One such uptown turned downtown dork spent months noisily constructing a three-season porch, which he uses for loud parties in the summer. OK, I can deal with that. Never mind that this noise travels upwards and affects hundreds of people in the hundreds of apartments surrounding his three-season porch.

Recently, this asshole purchased two large dogs that bark nonstop in his backyard. The surrounding neighbors have screamed from their windows etc…to no avail – and yes, while we are on the topic, the rich do think they are better.


After much thought and barking nights, I decided to take a page from a Seinfeld script.

I wrote a note to the asshole and explained that the barking dogs were disturbing – I then explained in great detail that I could easily throw a raw hamburger ball laced with rat poison into his backyard.

Yes, sometimes you have to be an asshole to fight an asshole.

PS – It’s been quiet ever since.

LIFE IN THE CORNFIELD

Dear bloggers, I am in Minneapolis for a few days. A new blog is coming tomorrow.

PETER PAN

Have you ever noticed that people in relationships tend to dress their age and discuss things like stocks, real estate and other grown up stuff, while us singletons - regardless of age – dress like pop stars and gab nonstop about the coolest clubs, the wackiest reality TV shows and our latest fucks?

I think shrinks call this the Peter Pan Syndrome – you know, never wanting to grow up.

The other night I was watching “Six Feet Under” and I was thinking I wanted a life just like David’s when I grew up - and then it dawned on me: I was already older than the character.

I mean, at what age do we give in and age gracefully and start living as grown ups? I don't have the answer, but I do draw the line at 35 year-old men wearing tattered Abercrombie baseball caps.

UGLY BETTY RULES

Of course, I love this show - what gay man wouldn't? I mean, Thursdays at Betty's are a homo holiday.

I love the honest portrayal of a 12-year old baby fag (Betty's nephew) who loves Broadway showtunes and Martha Stewart. I'm sure the bible bangers are cringing at the sight of a pre-teen fag on network television, but that makes "Betty" even more loveable.

I love Vanessa William's bitchy fashionista character Willamina - her politically incorrect one-liners are as horrible as they are fabulous. Her remark to an Arabic cabdriver had me in tears...."Why are you driving so slow...was your last vehicle a goat?"

I love that Rebecca Romijn plays a tranny. Of course, it's totally unbelievable, but who cares.

I love that someone has finally found a role worthy of Judith Light. I mean, I've loved her since she played Karen Wolek - prostitute by day and doctor's wife by night - on "One Life to Live". If memory serves me correct, she even won a daytime emmy for that role. On "Betty" she plays the queen bee who loves her tranny son as much as she loves her vodka. Come to think of it, didn't she have a fag son on "Who's the Boss", too?

Finally, I love Betty. Her character is the heart of the show; and her style is dead-on over-the-bridge Queens, New York - and there is nothing wrong with that - that is, unless you're in the biz called fashion.

Watch the show.

THE EGO HAS LANDED

I tuned into Lifetime Television – the channel for women and gay men – just in time to see the finale of that dreadful Diana Ross/Brandy TV movie Double Platinum. As I sat watching the credits, it reminded me of a fabulous story about the making of the movie and the ego that is La Ross.

My friend was hired to do Diana’s makeup for the film. On the first day, Diana instructed her to bring plenty of reading material, because “Miss Ross” – yes, she talks about herself in third person - always does her own makeup. Because of the film union, a makeup artist had to be hired, so my friend collected $2000 a week to lounge around reading magazines - and observing the diva’s behavior.

Of course, my friend had numerous la Ross stories, but the best is as follows:

In one of the final scenes, Diana performs a concert with a full band and backup singers. Days went into the setup of the scene, and as can be expected, the singers and band were excited to be filmed with Miss Ross.

After a few takes, Diana asked to see the playback.

“Could we pull in a little bit,” she meowed. “You know, see more of me.”

The next take it was just Miss Ross and the backup singers. Diana cocked her head to see the monitor….”This isn’t working. Could we pull in a little more?”

To make a long story short, in the final take that Diana approved, it was just La Ross in tight close-up – the band and backup singers were sent home.

Yes, the stories about Miss Ross are true.

DESPERATE

Has anyone else stopped watching Desperate Housewives and other network shows due to the long breaks between new episodes?

I know I have.

I'm sick of getting caught up in a network show and then being forced to wait 3 to 4 weeks for a new episode. I mean, one would think with the huge competition from cable channels, networks would do everything in their power to hold onto their continually shrinking audience. FX, HBO, Bravo and Fox have new shows without fail week after week. Why? Because cable channels are smart enough to film an entire season and have it in the can before they start airing it.

Well, I'm done with network television and I'm sure I'm not alone in my frustration.

You would think the suits at the networks would figure this out.

CRIMINAL

President Bush and his criminal cronies are at it again. I’m not even going to go bitch about the war today. No, what is criminal is how Bush is attempting to thwart the judicial system.

I mean, by not allowing Karl Rove to testify about his activities under oath is shocking as well as unconstitutional. Eventually, everything comes out in the wash, so when the shit hits the fan, there will be no penalty for Rove because he was not under oath. In other words, Rove and his buddies can lie all they want and never get into any trouble.

Convenient, huh?

And to think they wanted to impeach Clinton for a blowjob? Go figure.

PATTI ROCKS

I forgot how cool Patti Smith was.

Patti was inducted into The Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame this past weekend along with The Ronettes and REM. Such lame winners like Str8 boy arena band Van Halen dampened the awards, but that’s beside the point.

I got to know Patti briefly about 10 years ago. She was a good friend of beat poet Allen Ginsburg, who lived in my building. Because of my non-traditional work schedule, I would often see her huffing and puffing up the stairs to Allen’s apartment.

She said she admired my style – that I wasn’t trying to look like the typical faggot. I took that as a compliment; and I never took her use of the term “faggot” as in insult, but rather as a bonding gesture from one freak to another.

When Patti accepted her award, she was soft spoken and humble - very much like the girl I knew from my hallway. But when she took the stage and growled out her classic “Rock and Roll Nigger”, I, as well as the rest of the world, was reminded how amazing Patti is. And before anyone gets his or her panties in a bunch, Patti’s use of the N word has nothing to do with racism – she’s commenting on anyone living on the outskirts of society.

For newbie’s to Patti, check out her classic albums Easter and Horses.

JEEPERS PEEPERS

I was thinking about getting Lasik eye surgery, but I think I’ve changed my mind.

Let me explain:

I ran into a good friend who recently had the procedure and he was none too happy.

With his new x-ray vision, he noticed all the lines and cracks on his face.

“When I first looked in the mirror, I thought it was my grandfather,” he moaned. “And there is no going back – I’m going to see everything from now on weather I like it or not.”

He then spewed his venom in my direction.…”MM, I always thought you looked a perpetual 22, but now with my new peepers, I can see that’s hardly the truth.”

Ouch.

Yes, I’m gonna pass on the Lasik and stick to my rose-colored lenses, because sometimes the world is a better place a little fuzzy and out-of-focus.

IMMORAL BEHAVIOR

OK, we all know General Peter Pace is an asshole, so I'm not even going to comment on his stupid remarks labeling all gays immoral.

What I did find interesting - as well as frightening - is that the army is severely lacking in people that speak Arabic - yet over 50 military personnel specializing in the Arabic language have been discharged for the crime of being gay.

I mean, regardless of your personal beliefs, in a time of war doesn't that sound stupid.

Mr. Pace, that is immoral.