THE EAGLE HAS LANDED AT WALMART

Does anyone else find it odd that the legendary Eagles are releasing their new CD exclusively at Walmart?

I mean, wasn't this the hippy dippy band from the 1970's that preached against corporate America in their song "Hotel California"?

I smell a sell-out here - big time.

THE VIEWLESS VIEW

I have tried, Lord knows I have tried, but I just don't like the new line-up of chatty chicks on The View.

Watered-down Whoopie is so boring, she puts me to sleep. I mean, didn't this woman used to be black? She's now so politically correct I think she's a white woman from Long Island.

Sherry Shepherd is so stupid and unaware of news worthy topics that she even makes moron Elizabitch seem smart. I mean, however stupid her opinions are, at least Elizabitch has an opinion.

I miss Rosier days when The View was worth watching. Hate her or love her, Miss Rosie always had an honest heart and mind and wasn't afraid to speak it.

ANNIE

Last night, I saw Annie Lennox live in concert. I was seated 5th row dead center - and she did not disappoint. Her soulful clear voice and artful dancing were a real treat.

This being Minneapolis, the crowd was filled with grey-haired old ladies, pudgy and partnered queens and a slew of office drones with Coach bags. I am always shocked how tacky my hometown has become. I mean, I remember the 80's when an event like this would have brought out the fashionistas in droves. Freshly toxed, I looked the youngest in attendance.

After the show, we went to the Saloon and it was "chicken" night and the place was packed with 18 year-old gay boys. Honey, I was not the youngest in attendance.

What a difference crossing the street makes.

And Annie, as much as I love you, you should really rethink sleeveless tops.

TRAPPED IN HELL

You know, I don't think there is a more depressing place on the planet than the Midwest. Yes, I'm in my home state on a job and I'm depressed as hell.

I mean, what do creative people do here?

All I see are fat str8 people pushing baby carriages around. And what’s with all the high waisted jeans the soccer moms love? Or the totally sexless "bob" haircut with the pushed-up teased bang? And doesn't anyone wear makeup?

Honey, if I were a str8 man in Minneapolis I'd run screaming to the nearest gay bar.

SONGS OF MASS DESTRUCTION

As a child of the 80's, I love Annie Lennox. I mean, we both survived the 80's and lived to tell about it.

In Boy George's fasinating autobiography, he remembers that during the Newsweek photo shoot Annie instructed the makeup artist to "not make me look like Boy George." By looking at the finished product, I don't think the makeup artist listened.

Annie released a new CD last week and I was first in line to buy it. I was cautious about this new collection of songs, since her last outing "Bare" was less than stellar to me. Well, I am here to say "Songs of Mass Destruction" is amazing from start to finish.

Buy it now.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

I am in shock.

According to itunes, Britney Spear's new single "Gimme More" is the number one requested song in the world. Also, the song is number three on Billboard's Hot 100 chart.

I guess it does pay to shave your head, show your puss in public and lose your kids. I mean, I guess white trash rules.

A NEW YORK NIGHT

Every blue moon, I have that perfect Manhattan night – I call it a “Carrie Bradshaw” moment - that reminds me of what a magical city I live in.


Let me explain:

Last evening, I attended a memorial service for downtown legend Dean Johnson. For those not in the know, Dean was a six-foot-six bald headed part-time club promoter, part-time prostitute, part- time rock star and full-time nice guy who died mysteriously from a drug overdose while trafficking a group of prostitute twinks to a wealthy closet case Saudi in Washington DC.

Yes, truth is stranger than fiction.

Dean would have been happy with the turn out. Past and present downtown royalty held court in his honor. Seen mingling were Rupaul, Lady Bunny, Debbie Harry, David Bowie, the cast of Shortbus.. .and a slew of aging club kids from my Limelight and Tunnel past. Oh, and a chubby and very aged Lady Miss Kier from Deelite.

Amidst all of this downtown glamour, I noticed a pudgy-faced sweat suit clad soccer mom yelling my name.

Who was this woman?

It was an old makeup artist nemesis from Minneapolis who I had not seen in years. Turns out she was in town shooting a catalog for Kohl’s. The stylist (a former go-go boy I knew from my Club USA days) had taken her to this event.

While I tried to listen to the many mourners who shared twisted tales of Dean’s infamous lifestyle, she bored me with pictures of her cross-eyed kid and tales of small town life. After a few beers, she suddenly turned ugly and accused me of sabotaging her career. Apparently, 14 years earlier I had called her clients in Minneapolis and had her blacklisted. My friends were rather shocked at her accusations and were anxious to hear my response. Now I had no memory of doing this, and quite frankly, I hate being blamed for things that I wish I had done in the first place.

I looked her dead in the eye and said: "Yeah, I did it and I'd do it again."

I guess it will be another 14 years before I talk to her again.

After a few more air kisses and stabs in the back, we headed to Mary Ann’s – a dive Mexican restaurant –and drank margs and nibbled nachos and talked about the good old bad days of clubbing in the East Village.

When my buddies taxied home, I was far from tired - and feeling fat from my Mexican feast - I decided to hit the gym. And yes, it was my lucky night – the kick boxer in all his muscled sweaty glory was pounding the bag, and, of course, he ignored me.

Oh, the magic of Manhattan.

WHY?

I heard something hysterical and oh-so true the other day: Why do women - and gay men - wear cropped capri pants? I mean, they just make your legs look shorter and your ass look wider and flatter - not a becoming look.

THE WAR

I've been watching the amazing PBS mini-series "The War" - and I think it's truely amazing. One thing I found interesting is that President Franklin Roosevelt sent his son to the front lines, which made me wonder why Dubya hasn't sent his daughters to Iraq if he believes so strongly in his war.

Yes, another Republican hypocrite.

ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR

Ok, there is one guy I hate more than any Republican and his name is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - President of Iran.

Today at his speech at Columbia University he not only questioned the truth of the holocaust, which is one of the most documented and researched events in history, he also denied that homosexuals exist in Iran. Of course, the audience burst into laughter at such an idiotic statement...to which he said: "In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who's told you that we have this."

Honey, there are plenty of queers in Iran, they're just married to women and sucking dick on the side. Hmmm...I think that still makes them homosexual.

He also questioned if Muslims were involved in 9/11, and he hemmed and hawed about his previous statements about wanting Israel wiped off the map.

Yes, we are dealing with a madman. I worry about a nuclear Iran and I fully support whatever methods it takes to disarm them.

Am I a war monger? In this case yes. I mean, you only have to watch the wonderful PBS series airing right now called "The War" to see what happens when madmen are left unchecked.

APPLE DIED

My Apple computer died, so my blog will be sketchy for a few weeks. I hate Apple computers - they only sell you insurance/support for three years and then you are on your own - in other words, after three years you're fucked.

Is it just me, but shouldn't a computer last longer than three years?

I say fuck Apple and all their god damn ipods, iphones and other bullshit.

THE SOUTH

This Jena 6 thing is crazy.

In the first place, this was bound to happen. I mean, what school would allow white students to label the ground under a tree “whites” only? I mean, this is 2007. Then again, we are talking about the south.

ASSHOLES

Damn, I hate Republicans. I mean, are they all assholes?

Presidential contender Mitt Romney has launched a radio advertisement to voice his support of a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. I mean, who cares if thousands of our young men and women are dying in a Republican generated Iraq war or that the gap between the rich and poor is growing greater every day. No, what matters most is changing the constitution to include prejudice and hate.

Like I said, I hate Republicans.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

I don't get this Amy Winehouse?

I mean, everyone is championing her talents as if she were the next Joni Mitchell.

I say, oh please.

All this girl is doing is mimiking 1960's Motown soul and mixing it up with a dash of Dusty Springfield. I mean, she even copies Dusty's trademark Cleopatra makeup and beehive hairstyle.

Can't the kids today come up with anything original?

AMAZING

I went to a premier of a new film the other night, and to put it mildly, I was blown away by what I saw on the screen. I mean, it was simply amazing.

"Across the Universe" is a collection of 33 Beatle's songs weaved together karaoke-style to form a brief history of the 1960's. I have never been a big fan of the Beatles - too hetro and mainstream for me - but this film is a must-see. I know some of the critics have knocked it, but I loved it.

THE LAST SHOUT

This is the last installment about my big gay cruise – and then it’s back to politics, sex and other politically incorrect shit.

I forgot to mention that while we were docked in a beautiful seaside resort town in Germany, the locals kept asking me if I “was part of the big gay cruise”. This being Germany, I didn’t know what to say…I know my lip line said it all darlings, but that’s not the point. I mean, just a few short decades ago, the Germans masquerading as Nazis gassed us fags to death, so I was reluctant to say yes or no.

“Oh, we have big surprise for you when you leave,” they smiled.

Great, the first gay cruise to Germany and the locals were planning to sink our ship. Well, to my surprise, when the boat left the port, hundreds of Germans had gathered on the pier and were waving and cheering us off. I guess gay dollars do speak after all.

I have to mention St. Petersburg, Russia, too. It was my favorite place on the big gay cruise. Tourists are not allowed on Russian soil unless you have a very expensive Russian Visa or you take part in a pricey tour excursion. For my daytime activities, I went on a riverboat cruise on the various canals and rivers that intertwine throughout the city. St. Petersburg is beautiful…from the blue Winter Palace to the gold room at the Hermitage Museum to the wide Parisian boulevards. The Russians don’t have much money, so most of the buildings are in a serious state of decay.

Only on a gay cruise would one of the pricey excursions be a midnight visit to a local gay club. Forget the museums and historic stuff, I wanted to see how the locals partied, danced and dressed.

We were told by our tour operators to bring sunglasses.

Why?

Since it was July, we were still experiencing “white nights” – a time of the year when the sun doesn’t completely set until midnight and then rises again at around 3:30 AM - so the sunglasses would come in handy at 5 am.

The club, Central Station, was amazing. I mean, if anyone has ever wondered where the mythical Babylon from Queer as Folk is, it’s in Russia. The five-story club was really several clubs in one complete with spontaneous drag performances, gyrating go-go boys and a serious dark room.

I loved the trendy wendy room that was packed with fashionista’s “shalaging” to cheesy euro-pop. What is shalaging? It's a form of dance that originated in Sweden that you sing and act out the lyrics of a song as if you were in a music video - I swear I'm not making this up.

The Chelsea-fied boat queens ran from the room, but I had found my tribe. I was at home with the flaming fags in 80s clothes, shag haircuts and thick eyeliner. As I looked down at my "try too hard to fit in on the boat" Ralph Lauren Polo shirt, I was suddenly embarrassed of my normal attire...but I didn't let that bother me. I jumped up on a platform and started shalaging and waving my freak flag.

As the 5 am hour approached, I paid a visit to the dark room. I mean, who doesn’t love a night of dancing, drinking and debauchery? When the fun was over, I looked down to discover a bear from Long Island I had met on the boat. I had to laugh – half way across the globe and I end up getting head from someone who lives a few miles from my apartment.

It was without a doubt, the best night of the cruise.

WHY?

It was sad watching train wreck Britney Spears waddle around the stage at the MTV video awards last night. I mean, why her handlers let her perform in the first place is a mystery to me.

Not only did she appear stoned out of her mind, but her lip syncing and dancing made her look like a joke from the American Idol try outs.

And that bikini? Doesn't she own a full-length mirror? She should take a cue from Liza - "Show the best and cover the rest." Amen.

Sadly, her legitimate career is over - all hail the new Anna Nicole Smith.

HE'S BACK

MILWAUKEE

I took a road trip to visit a friend in Milwaukee this past weekend - and the home of Laverne and Shirley has changed a lot since my last visit - and for the better. Sure there are still tons of blue collar guys with big bellies and scary ghetto folks, but the east side has cleaned itself up rather nicely and is lined with fun restaurants and coffee shops. In fact, I like Milwaulkee more than Minneapolis.

But let's not forget we are in the Midwest.

As the picture above proves, there is still a long way to go - these are some scary beeetches.

ON A STICK

As much as I complain about Minnesota, I do the love the annual State Fair - the largest in the United States. I mean, it's the only place I know that serves every imaginable food on a stick. I love the clear blue August skies and the utter campiness of a State Fair in the year 2007.

I also like looking at the hundreds of hot small town baby misters. I think Andy Warhol said it best..."The older I get, the better looking the young become."