Monday, July 31, 2006


Darlings, it's too damn hot to write. In all my years on the island of Manhattan, I've never witnessed such heat and humidity. As Marilyn Monroe coos in the classic film "The Seven Year Itch"...."It's so hot, I'm keeping my panties in the icebox."

Sounds like a good idea.

Friday, July 28, 2006


People always ask me what the weather is like in Manhattan. I always tell them it’s like Calcutta in summer and Siberia in the winter. In other words, hell on earth.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006


I heard the craziest thing today.

My friend Dana, who just returned from a famine relief mission in Africa, laughingly informed me that one of her co-workers on the trip was anorexic.

Anorexic? I mean, how ironic – a girl helping starving people is she herself starving.

“How did you find this out, “ I asked.

“I was eating a protein bar and I offered her a bite – believe me, she looked like she needed it. She turned me down – she said it was too many carbs.”

Once again, my darlings, truth is always stranger than fiction.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


Listen, I don’t like war anymore than anyone else. But if anyone doubts that Hezbollah is a terrorist war machine aimed at wiping Israel off the map, just turn on the television. I mean, the creepy Nazi-like parades and demonstrations that Hezbollah holds in Lebanon are frightening. I'm sorry, but if a country hosts a terrorist group, it's citizens should expect...well, terror.

Sunday, July 23, 2006


You know, Islamic extremists are under the delusion that if they kill infidels in suicide attacks, they will go to heaven and be greeted by 72 horny virgins.

Well, maybe they have it wrong - maybe a 72 year-old horny virgin is waiting for them.

Saturday, July 22, 2006


Over the last few days, I’ve found myself defending Israel’s intense response to Lebanon’s Hezbollah. What most people don’t understand is that Israel is surrounded by enemies, and thus, can never show any weakness whatsoever. In other words, Israel can’t take any shit.

It’s quite simple – Lebanon played host to a terrorist organization whose sole purpose was to destroy Israel. I mean, if terrorists were gathered on the Canadian borders armed with missiles, what do you think America would do?

As liberal as I am, I despise Islamic Arabs. The other day U.S.A. Today ran a picture of a towel-headed Lebanonese woman cheering Hezbollah and the capture of two Israeli soldiers. Her eyes were glazed over in sick joy while she waved two guns in the air.

I’m sorry, but that about sums up Islamic Arab culture to me.

As a New Yorker, I witnessed first hand what these animals can do. And I will never forget the images on CNN showing footage of Arabic people dancing in the streets in celebration of 9/11.

I have been to Israel and have witnessed first hand that democracy works. Believe me, when I crossed over into Jordon, the change was immediate. In most Muslim based countries, the rich dictators rule in splendor while the people live in squalor. I don’t understand why the people don’t revolt – it’s not Israel that’s holding them down, but their own millionaire dictators. It is common knowledge former Palestinian leader Arafat died a billionaire while he left his people to starve and live in poverty. I mean, he kept his wife and child in a five star Parisian hotel with all the money he received through foreign aid.

Israel needs to do what it needs to do to ensure the safety of her people.

Thursday, July 20, 2006


My friend was on that cruise ship off the coast of Florida - you know, the one that almost tipped over. She said she fell out of bed and spilled her Cosmo when the ship tipped. She struggled to the door - when she opened it, a wall of water was racing towards her.

Ironic as it sounds, she said the movie scheduled that night in the theater was Titanic.

As I have always said, truth is stranger than fiction.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


Why is George Bush such an imbecile? I mean, we all know he can barely speak the English language, and that he is nothing more than a puppet for the big oil companies, but this thing about vetoing stem cell research is a new low even for him.

Stem cell research is supported by over 70% of Americans. I don’t understand how he thinks experimenting on an embryo is murder. I mean, does he think that an embryo in a Petri dish is going to grow legs and vote republican?

Please America; vote the republicans out of office in November.

Thursday, July 13, 2006


Does anyone else find it odd that the richest woman in the world is hosting a series of shows attempting to help people get out of debt? I mean, Oprah sits there all smug in her Jimmy Choo's and diamond earrings and lectures people about the financial evils of cable television and take-out pizza.

Enlightened Oprah goes on to preach that material things will not make you happy.

Excuse me, but how many Oprah shows have been devoted to her many houses, her rose gardens, her favorite clothes, her personal chefs and fitness experts…the list goes on and on.

I guess in the land of double standards, Oprah isn't all that happy, either.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006


You know, a day doesn't go by that I don't ponder the perils of Bush and his not-so Christian supporters. I mean, with the world at war, gas prices going threw the roof, and the republican mishap that is Katrina, Bush and his Christian cronies seem only to be worried about gay marriage.

I ask you: Aren’t there more important things in the world to worry about than two people professing their love for one another?

Monday, July 10, 2006


You know, I don’t get all this fuss about gay marriage. Conservative Christian freaks always condemn gays for their promiscuous lifestyles; yet don’t want them to get married or to legalize their relationships.

I mean, every straight marriage I know is completely neutered, so one would think that if Christian freaks wanted to nullify gay sex, they would allow them to marry? Right?

In my own twisted way, I’m helping the cause – I've been cutting out anti-gay marriage editorials and putting them in envelopes for future use. Like equal rights for African Americans, gay marriage is going to happen sooner or later, and in say 10 or 20 years, I plan on sending these nasty hate filled articles to the author's grandchildren to show them what big time bigots grandpa and grandma were.

A little petty? I certainly hope so.

Thursday, July 06, 2006


Love doesn't live here anymore – and certainly not in New York City.

From blondes to brunettes, pretty people in Gotham are on a constant search for everlasting love, but somewhere along the Jitney journey to South Hampton, they seem to be content with a pit stop at a sex club.

Why is that I ask?

On my monthly trips to Minneapolis, I am always stunned - no, alarmed - by the numerous happy gay and straight couples and the lack of promiscuous sex. Granted, I find it all boring as hell, but maybe that’s the jaded New Yorker in me. Perhaps, I need to try on a pair of rose-colored glasses and see life in a slightly different hue.

In other words, what is it about big cities that reduces love and intimacy to nothing more than mutual hand jobs in the back of a speeding taxi?

Sunday, July 02, 2006


With mouthwatering candy on every Manhattan corner, it can be difficult to find that perfect and oh-so satisfying piece.

What am I talking about?

Lust and love, my darlings, that’s what.

As a single man living on the ultimate island of lost souls - aka NYC - navigating Gotham’s sexual candy counter can give you a cavity, or at the very least, an STD.

First off, I just don’t get cheaters. I mean, I can understand an occasional tasty blowjob on a business trip, but why get involved with that person while still maintaining a lover at home?

Let me explain.

I recently met this cute little guy at Mr. Blacks. He had brown eyes and a furry chest; and while the DJ played vintage Miss Ross, we grinded into each other like two wild cats in heat. We kissed like mad teenagers until our lips were sore. Maybe it was the two vodka & cokes percolating in my brain, but it sure felt like love to me.

As the night wore on, I lost him in the smoke and mirrored crowd. I looked for him, but he was nowhere to be found. For the next week, my thoughts dwelled on him 24/7. As fate would have it, I ran into him on Avenue A; and he inquired about a return engagement with my hips and lips.

Yes, Mr. Fate had paid Mr. Makeup a visit. I had our house planned, the china picked out, the garden etc…and then the bomb dropped: he told me he had a partner and was in an open relationship.

Oh, yes, the open relationship. Fuck that. I hate these men – they want their cake, they want to bake it, and they want to eat it, too. I say, let them gorge on the fucking frosting until their teeth rot.

Thank God I never revealed my real age or motives.

Candy might be dandy, but not when he’s randy.