Tuesday, January 30, 2007


Today on CNN was a moving report about the new Intrepid Center in Texas. The ground breaking facility was built for Iraqi veterans who were mangled in the war.

The cost: $50 million.

Who paid for it: Private donations.

I ask you: Why is it OK for Bush and his cronies - all war deserters - to send young men and women off to battle and then refuse to pay for their mental or physical injuries?

Saturday, January 27, 2007


OK, I admit it... I'm a borderline anorexic. I kneel daily at the alter/scale of my patron saint Karen Carpenter, and yes, I truely believe Miss Rainy Days and Mondays died a martyr for her cause. Can I get an amen?

That said, I've never met a baked good I didn't like. My latest discovery is Babycakes - a tiny vegan bakery located on the cusp of Chinatown and the Lower East Side. I was a tad skeptical at first: I mean, how can you churn out edible confections sans sugar, butter or flour? Well, I'm here to tell you the cupcakes, cookies and brownies are just plain delicious - and no sickly sugar overkill.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not turning my back on my favorites such as Veniero's, Billy's Bakery or the Cupcake Cafe, but when I'm in the mood for a sweet treat that doesn't curse me to 90 minutes on the treadmill or double my dose of Lipitor, Babycakes is my choice.

Thursday, January 25, 2007


In Manhattan yesterday, talking heads warned viewers about the artic 25 degree weather. I mean, they even did a report on frost bite and how to prevent it.

Oh, please.

I grew up in Minnesota where 25 degrees would bring out the tank tops and shorts.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


I have to give Dubya an A+ for effort last night. I mean, he spoke so eloquently about patriotism, bravery and heroism that it made me teary eyed. His noble introduction of Nancy Pelosi was admirable. His ideas on health care, alternative fuels and other domestic issues were well thought out and quite interesting. Granted, the rest of his speech was grandstanding and gesturing, and his take on Iraq was ludicrous, but all and all, it made me proud to be an American. And yes, I still hate Dubya.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007


There is one closet I would cheerfully never leave.

Let me explain.

Saturday night I had dinner at my buddy’s fancy smancy Park Avenue apartment. There is a gigantic plasma television, walls covered with the best modern art, and windows draped in $10,000 of Italian silk. I mean, this apartment is a queen’s dream, but what really floats my boat is a small closet off the lavender dining room.

I always open the mahogany door as if it were Christmas morning; and I never fail to swoon when I gaze upon its contents. Yes, sitting inside are the two things a gay boy desires most -– booze and toiletries.

I mean, I’ve never seen such a beautiful closet.

Sunday, January 21, 2007


On the L train tonight, I noticed a sleek young woman with a $2000 Marc Jacobs bag, a $700 pair of leopard Jimmy Choos and a head of $1500 butter blonde extensions by Brad John. Obviously, this woman was a slave to vanity, so I was stunned to look up and discover she was cursed with a huge potato nose. I mean, this was a nose only a blind mother could love.

As I exited the train and headed for home, one thought ran through my mind... with all that money, why not fix the nose?

Friday, January 19, 2007


Oh my, do these two look like freaks. I've said it before, but now it's official - poor ugly Ashlee has now transformed herself into her sister - albeit with a bigger and trannier chin. And is it just me, or do these two look like a couple of chicks with dicks.


After a recent conversation with a group of friends, I was shocked and saddened to learn how few of them have ever been in love. You know, a person who makes you feel like you’re tripping over the rainbow; a person who gives you goose bumps when you know he or she is coming over. I'm talking real love, baby.

I think I’ve been in love three times.

The first man that made my heart jump was named Chris. We met at his father’s pizza joint where we both worked as waiters. He had blonde curly hair; a gymnast’s body and a sly smirk that made me forgive him anything. He sang in a punk band and I was his number one front row groupie at every dive he played. He drove a beat-up MG and sang me songs late into the night. He left me for a girl with huge boobs and platinum hair. I cried for three weeks. Years later, I ran into him and we didn’t even recognize each other.

Years went by before my next love. His name was Pete and he had a missing tooth and drove a taxi. We met on a phone sex line and his deep voice had me at hello. I used to sneak him into my parent’s basement after they had gone to sleep. He wasn’t exactly handsome, but it was the best sex I ever had. He left me for an underage Eskimo. He still lives in the same apartment and I have no idea what he is doing.

The third I will write about later.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007


It was great seeing Jennifer Hudson win a Golden Globe for her stunning performance in "Dreamgirls". I mean, the movie wouldn’t be a hit without her. I also loved that she thanked Flo Ballard whom her character Effie White is based.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t always imitate art. Unlike Effie White, who had a triumphant return at the end of the movie, Flo Ballard died penniless in the Detroit projects at age 32. Like Effie, Flo started the Supremes; but she was replaced as lead singer by Diana Ross and later kicked out of the group entirely because of her sass and large ass. Berry Gordy and Miss Ross did everything in their power to ruin Flo’s solo career. And in the end, Miss Ross became a huge star and Flo lost her house, her fortune, her health, and finally, her life.

Check out Mary Wilson’s fabulous book, “Dreamgirl – My life as a Supreme” for the real story of the Supremes,

Sunday, January 14, 2007


I was dating a beautiful boy from India. I really liked him, and he had the most kissable lips, but something wasn’t quite right. Now I know I sound superficial, but he had a…well, a funny penis. Try as I might, I just couldn’t get used to it.

What was wrong with it?

It was too small, too dark and too uncut. Is that simple enough? Now some uncut knobs can be quite cute, but this one was barely the size of my thumb and had a wrinkly tip like a corkscrew. I mean, this thing was so wrinkly I could store my ipod in it.

What was I to do?

My friend from Milwaukee was dating a man with a not too pretty penis; and she tried and tried to like it, but the relationship ended up a bonafide disaster.

That’s right; never underestimate the power of the penis. So no matter what, if you don’t like the penis, the relationship is never going to work.

Friday, January 12, 2007


I hopped on the scale today and I was up two pounds.


The reason?

I had a friend in town this past weekend and we ate like pigs - pizza, nachos, cheesecake - nothing was off limits. My friend is a "vegan", and yes, the type of "vegan" who sports plastic boots, so our first stop was a trendy "raw" restaurant; and I have to admit the food was pretty tasty. I mean, who knew nachos could be served raw.

Next stop was a southern style restaurant. As my "vegan" friend scanned the meat and cheese heavy menu, she casually winked that perhaps she could relax her "vegan" ways "just for this weekend."

Well, before I could say meatloaf, she had ordered the BBQ ribs and was busy chewing the meat off the bone. I guess she left her PETA card at home, because from then on it was nothing but eggs, cheese, dairy and more meat. Oh, and a late night visit to Veniero's for cheesecake, canolis and eclairs.

So for the next few days it's going to be broccoli and carrots for me.

Sunday, January 07, 2007


You know, I think a little anorexia is a good thing. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating a full-on Nicole Richie, but just an occasional calorie cutback. I mean, the holiday parties were stocked with cookies, eggnogs and cheeses. I ask you: With such caloric catastrophes thrust upon us, how are we supposed to maintain our Manhattan thinness?

Now please don’t get this confused with Bulimia – that my dear is disgusting. Not only does it leave you with horrendous breath, but totally smears a well-constructed lip line.

Say you’re invited to a big bash loaded with goodies. Well, do what I do….have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and not a morsel more until the party. If you get hungry, have a large plain Starbucks with soymilk. Afterwards, if those Prada trousers are a tad too tight, eat nothing but broccoli and carrots for a few days. And NO cigarettes - I don’t know what’s more disgusting – being fat or smoking cigarettes.

To maintain your figure, nothing works better than weighing yourself four times a day. I personally jump on the scale first thing in the morning. If I’m a pound or two down, I scream for joy because I know it’s going to be a nachos day; if I’m a pound or two up, I grimace and starve. Trust me, if you don’t watch it, those five extra pounds multiple into ten and ten to twenty and so on and so on until you’re shopping at Lane Bryant for a neon blue bullet-proof polyester smock top. Not pretty.

Thursday, January 04, 2007


The uppity towelheads are at it again.

As I was leaving to return to NYC, I read in the newspaper that Minneapolis Muslim cab drivers are refusing to pick-up anyone carrying liquer or anyone with a service dog - that means a blind person with a life-saving dog. So far this idiocy has left over 100 people stranded at the airport. I mean, this is crazy. Muslim spokespeople claim liquer and dog saliva are against their religion. Bullshit, if these towelheads want to live in America, they have to bend to our way of thinking or get the FUCK out of the cab business.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007


I really hate George Bush.

I've always despised him because of the war, the lies and hypocritical Christian right bullshit , but what really pisses me off is his giving government workers the day off yesterday. I mean, I went to the post office today and the lines were out the door and I had to wait 45 minutes.

Please, why do government workers get a holiday for some dead lame president when the rest of us continue working?

Furthermore, it sets things back for weeks. The counter clerk at my post office told me it would take days to catch up. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

And what really pissed me off is just when it was almost my turn, some obese old guy with a cane came hobbling in with bags and bags of packages. Of course, the "Minnesota Nice" woman in front of me ushered him to the front of the line. Well, the old fuck didn't fill out any slips etc...and we all had to wait there for an additional 20 minutes while he gabbed and chatted and filled out his forms. He kept complaining that his hip hurt. I came so close to screaming..."If you lost 50 pounds your hip probably wouldn't hurt and you could throw away the cane."

Yes, I hate fat people and George Bush.

How was your day?

Tuesday, January 02, 2007


I have finally figured out what the problem is with Minneapolis. The city has all the major headaches of a big city - extreme crime, huge traffic jams etc...- but none of the benefits. No style, No culture, No restaurants - NOTHING.