Tuesday, December 26, 2006


I think the witch in Hansel and Gretel had the right idea.

I truly believe children - and especially screaming babies - do not belong in civil society. Breeders today think nothing of changing shitty diapers in public or hauling out their saggy ugly breasts to nurse. I’m sorry, but I don’t need to look at those things.

I think children should be taken to the Midwest and not allowed into malls, airports, movies or other public places until they are 16. You know, maybe put them in Kansas – I mean, who lives there anyways? Give them a good education and firm discipline – think of it like a 16-year boarding school.

Friday, December 22, 2006


I worked on an editorial a few weeks back and I think this image turned out fabulous. Enjoy the holidays.

Thursday, December 21, 2006


Poor old hair challenged Donald Trump.

Today he’s all over the news attacking Rosie O’Donnell because of her views about him on The View. I mean, Mr. Trump is such a cad. After Rosie's many valid points, the Donald could only come up with rebuttals such as…”She’s ugly" or "She’s an evil slob" or "Rosie’s fat and unattractive.”

Grow up, Donald; if anyone’s evil, it’s you. Rosie has donated and raised millions of dollars for charities – what have you done? Oh, yeah, publicly cheated on both of your wives and bankrupted yourself many times over …somehow I agree with Rosie that you should not be the “moral compass” for Miss USA.

To see all the action, copy this URL to your browser to see the entire recap.


Wednesday, December 20, 2006


I love me some Rosie O’Donnell. With her “every woman” candid charm, she has put The View back on top. I mean, she says exactly what the majority of us are thinking. I mean, on today’s show she ranted about Donald Trump and the stupidity of the Miss USA pageant.

But what I like best about Rosie is that she isn’t beating anyone over the head with her sexuality. Yeah, she mentions it, but always in a subtle way, thus, showing the world that gay folks are pretty much the same as str8 folks.

Bravo Rosie.

Monday, December 18, 2006


The holidays are almost upon us; and with so much sorrow in the world - not to mention the comments on my blog - I thought I would gift my faithful readers with my THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY list.

1) Nicole Richie. I just love her – and I don’t think she is too thin.

2) Whole-wheat donuts from the Cupcake CafĂ© in Manhattan. Forget Sex and the City’s tired Magnolia, this is the cupcake emporium that started it all. And, honey, these things are good – and good for you!

3) Liposuction. If you have a few extra pesky pounds that won’t respond to exercise, get some lipo. I swear, it’s the best procedure – besides botox – in the world.

4) New underwear, socks and t-shirts. I replace the whole lot every few months. I mean, it just feels divine putting fresh undergarments on.

5) Lip liner. How did we ever live without it? Girls, boys, trannies, it just does a mouth good.

6) Hot men at the gym. OK, most are unattainable or straight, but I can look, fantasize and drool, right?

7) Nachos from Round the Clock. I know my friend Terri says the place is full of college brats, but the nachos are homemade and loaded with good cheese and guacamole.

8) Andy Warhol. Yes, he’s dead, but they have a ton of cute Warholesque items at Urban Outfitters. Sadly, I think Factory Girl is gonna be a big bomb.

Friday, December 15, 2006


Well, it’s Christmas, so it’s the perfect time for my semi-annual THINGS I HATE list.

1) You know what really bugs me? Fat people eating junk food – chips, cookies, candy bars etc...I mean, don’t they have mirrors? It’s disgusting.

2) Fat people waiting for elevators when the stairs are in plain view. Honey, there is a reason you are fat – get off your ass and start moving. And while I’m on the subject, I despise people that ride the elevator for just one floor.

3) People who answer the cell phone no matter what. I mean, I’ve seen folks scrambling, sweating and panicking to find that ringing idiot box? God forbid you should lose a call. One would think it was the president or the pope calling. After all the whoopla, it’s usually…“Yes, honey, I will bring home a gallon of milk.”

4) People who walk slow. I’m not talking about old folks; I’m talking about young people – usually fat – taking their damn sweet time. Hate it.

5) Coach purses. Every gal in the Midwest seems to think that carrying a Coach purse is the ticket to class. Sorry, but in Manhattan anyone who's anyone knows only secretaries and suburban moms carry Coach bags. You want class? Try a Marc Jacobs bag.

6) Bad blonde highlights. If you can’t afford a trip to the salon, leave your hair alone. I mean, nothing is worse than seeing orange stripes or chunks of yellow on dark hair. Low rent, honey, very low rent. Furthermore, why do all the women in the Midwest sport lesbian-style short haircuts? No wonder every married man I know is cheating on his wife.

7) Talking in movies. With the price of a movie ticket hovering around $10, nothing makes me madder than talking in the cinema. I support carrying firearms on this matter.

8) Starbucks. Why are there always 40 people in line and four cash registers BUT only one person taking orders? Piss poor management.

9) Kohl’s Department Stores. I swear, I have never in my life been in a tackier department store.

10) Big SUV’s. With gas prices so high, why oh why do city folk need these gas-guzzlers? And have you noticed it’s always ugly men driving them? I bet these men suffer from small dick syndrome.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006


Well, I am in Minneapolis for a few days and I'm planning a trip to the Mall of America. Let's hope I can find an article of clothing in small or medium in the land of jumbo and extra jumbo.

Saturday, December 09, 2006


The other day, over grapefruit martinis, my friends and I were swapping stories about attending catholic schools. As can be expected, the stories were filled with molestation. Although the priest at my parish was boy crazy, I was not molested; I guess that was the start of my insecurity.

I do have fond memories of Sister Mary Guisey: A butch lesbian with a crew cut and a fire hydrant figure. In retrospect, I'm amazed that the Catholic Church would allow such a blatantly gay woman in the classroom...…well, on second thought, maybe it's not that odd.

Sister Guisey was hired to teach math, but she would spend hours entertaining the class with stories of fending off switchblade wielding students at her former grade school in St. Paul. I loved her tales of pre-teen gang warfare, but now that I look back, this was the cornfield, not the south side of Chicago, and her stories were pure fiction. She was fired for putting Jim Charbeneux - the class clown - in a half nelson when he pulled a piece of Juicy Fruit from his pocket. Sister Guisey swore he was reaching for a switchblade.

Later, I heard Sister Guisey left the nunnery and was tending bar at a local gay bar.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006


I recently worked on a Sear’s Television commercial for the gay network LOGO. The location was the home of two super successful men in gay friendly Asbury Park. In the holiday themed commercial, the happy couple is shown entertaining a group of friends that included a pair of lipstick lesbians and a gay dad accessorized with a foreign baby.

Although I say “Bravo” to Sears for realizing that gay people in 2006 are just as boring as straight people, I do wonder if all this homo homogenization is a good thing.

I mean, I’m old enough to remember when the only gay people I knew were florists, actors, hairdressers and other assorted fabulous freaks that were loud and proud long before rainbow flags became the norm in corporate America. I remember when gay bars were elite underground establishments with secret side doors that housed the most interesting people on the planet. Sadly, it seems this fabulous and bright gay gene pool has now been watered down with gay lawyers, doctors and accountants.

Yes, I’m smart enough to realize that a Sear’s LOGO commercial is good for the progress of the gay community, but I ask you: Is progress always a good thing?

Monday, December 04, 2006


Last night after Desperate Housewives, which thankfully has it's mojo back after a disastrous second season, I watched ABC's new drama, Brothers and Sisters. I thought the show was just so-so, but it has potential. I mean, with a cast including Sally Field and Rachel Griffiths, how bad can it be, right?

Anyways, half way through the show, Calista Flockhart appeared on the screen. Although horribly miscast as an Ann Coulter-ish republican television personality, the real problem with Miss Mcbeal is her face. Pulled, stretched, frozen with Botox and filled to capacity with filler, she resembled a startled chipmunk. I mean, odd is the perfect word to describe her appearance.

Now I'm well aware that Hollyweird is constructed of smoke and mirrors; and celebrities have an army of "yes" people telling them they look amazing, but don't they themselves own mirrors?