Wednesday, March 26, 2008


People say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.

Well, in my search for a boyfriend, my lips are quickly turning into lily pads.

Let me explain:

One of the best things about living in Manhattan is the anonymity it gives you. I mean, you rarely see the same person twice. With that in mind, sometimes I like to go out with a new identity. Sometimes I'm Tommy the graduate student, or perhaps Vinny the dermatologist, or other times I'm Johnny from Long Island. Oh, I'm not alone in this charade, before having her baby, my good friend Denise would frequent salsa clubs under the alias of Ramona....perhaps, it's a Manhattan thing.

After one too many vodkas Sunday night, I met a hot couple who wanted to have a three-way. Hmmm... Johnny could handle this one. Yes, Johnny from Long Island would be perfect for this assignment. In the cab to their Washington Heights apartment, the couple barely spoke to me. I mean, I was getting scared - very Silence of the Lambs. Once we arrived, we were greeted at the door by a third roommate.

"Oh, we texted him and he wants to try you out, too."

He was handsome and young, so I thought what the hell. We went to the back bedroom and got it on. Once we were finished, he left the room and said, "I'll send the other two in". Suddenly, I felt like a whore at VIP waiting for client #9. The couple and I had sex, too - one was hot the other not so hot. Afterwards, they barely spoke to me. I guess this couple has a three-way clause - no talking or getting close to the third party. Yes, it was odd - as if they were about to say - "It puts the lotion in the basket." I laughed as I let myself out.

I guess I had a good time, but one thing is for sure: In my search for my prince, there are three less Manhattan frogs to kiss.

Saturday, March 22, 2008


You know, I just don't get this gay icon thing.

I was having lunch with "a queen of a certain age", and he talked nonstop of his love for Barbra Streisand and Bette Midler. Now I admit, I love me some early Babs when she had the winged eyeliner and ratted beehive, but once she scrubbed her face and combed out her hair and went down Laura Nyro's Stoney End, I lost interest.

Bette Midler? Her 1971 self-titled album is amazing, but like the first season of Desperate Housewives, it was five years in the making, so it had damn well better had been good. Everything the divine Miss M has produced since has been medicore at best. Okay, a few songs from "The Rose" are pretty decent, too.

My vote for gay icon is Britney Spears - a real mess.

Monday, March 17, 2008


Last night, my friend and I were discussing sexual chemistry between two people. I mean, it's something you can't create - it's either there or it isn't, right?

But what happens when that person you have chemistry with has it with other people, too.

Let me explain:

I have a crush on a chickenhead - someone way too young and way too cute. I know he likes me - we've been fuck buddies for months. But I know he's seeing other people. I mean, when he's with me, he can't take his eyes off me, and we can talk endlessly about anything for hours.

But the real question is, how do you take a fuck buddy out of the bedroom and into real life? I mean, it's hard to sex someone up for months on end and not have any feelings for that person.

I guess I'm afraid to make the first move.

Sunday, March 16, 2008


My friend had this posted on her site, so yes, I stole it, but it's so damn funny.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


If this isn't proof that men think with their dicks, I don't know what is.
What a fool - I mean, did he really think he was going to get away with it?

I guess it's true that power corrupts.

Friday, March 07, 2008


"This is where I first cut myself."
"This is where I found out I was pregnant."

"This is where I found out I had a brain tumor."

And my favorite - "This isn't a high school musical."

For the past few weeks, I have been mesmerized by these haunting commercials advertising WE network's new show "High School Confidential" - a documentary  4-years in the making featuring 12 girls from Kansas.  I mean, I drove my friends batty over the past few weeks with my constant "This is where I sucked my first dick  etc...." jokes about the show.

Well, this week I was lucky enough to meet the girls who were in Manhattan on a media blitz to promote the show.    Fresh from an appearance on "The Tyra Bank's Show", I primped the girls for a Newsweek article. 

Of course, I greeted each girl by her problem, which I have to admit made the Midwestern mothers a little weary of me.

The show starts this Monday on WE.

Thursday, March 06, 2008


Am I a sex addict?

I don't think so, but a man I was kinda dating seemed to think so.

Let me explain:

We were out drinking cheap red wine when he asked me what kind of kinky sex I would like to experiment with.  Feeling slutty and slightly intoxicated, I told him I'd like to take him to a "dirty bookstore" and suck him off through a gloryhole.  

He looked kinda startled, but I didn't stop there.

I then proceeded to tell him I'd like to "fool around" in the back of a speeding taxi or maybe he could sneak into my apartment wearing a burglar mask.

He looked at me horrified and confessed his "kinky" fantasy was to "do it" in the kitchen.  

The kitchen?  I knew he was kinda vanilla, but I never thought he was that vanilla.  

Now I've always subscribed to the theory that a man likes a "saint in the sitting room and a whore in the bedroom."  I mean, my dead husband never had any complaints with my sexual creativity.

Of course, the next day I received an email from this man informing me that we were not compatible and that I was a sex addict.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008


She did it!

Against all odds, Hillary took Texas and Ohio last night, which means she's back in the race.

It's not that I don't like Obama, I just don't think he's prepared to run the country.  I mean,  we only need to look at the current president to see what can happen when someone with very little experience moves into the white house.

Monday, March 03, 2008


You know, when my friends come to visit Manhattan, they are shocked at the lack of fat people.  Well, I tell them, a fat person could never survive in the concrete jungle.  For starters, most of the subways are two to three to four flights underground - and that is a lot of walking.  I mean, you might start out fat if you move to Manhattan, but you would get thin mighty quick.

In fact, I see a "fat to skinny" reality show - put two fatties in Manhattan for six weeks and see how much weight they lose.

The Biggest Loser - Manhattan Style.