Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I HATE MINNEAPOLIS

Why do people live in Minneapolis?

It baffles me to no end why anyone would choose to live in a place that freezes over for 8 month of the year. I mean, good luck wearing a pair of fab shoes when it's 20 degrees below zero and there are piles and piles of gross brown snow everywhere. Perhaps this is why everyone I meet in the state of Minnesota is fat, tacky, bored, sexless and unhappy.

As I drove around this horrible place snarled with urban sprawl and huge traffic jams, it occured to me that Minneapolis has all of the hassles of a major city - LA, NYC or San Fran - but none of the benefits such as nice weather, good restaurants, cool people or culture.

Again, why do people live here?

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

SEXUALLY SPEAKING

Recently, I was sitting around with pals at a coffee shop in the East Village talking about sex.

Yes, what else is new.

We were discussing some of the odd lengths we go to to find the perfect orgasm on the ultimate island of lost souls.

Everyone agreed that I had the best story: I travel all the way up to Harlem to have so-so sex with a so-so man because he always plays the most amazing music.

Let me explain:

This man is a DJ with the best collection of early to mid- 1970s black disco - you know, the stuff that Larry Levin played at the infamous Garage on Varick Street. I mean, none of that cheesy pop disco like YMCA or Ring My Bell, this is disco soul with a beat to fuck to. Unfortunately, this man's sex beat is rather boring and predictable, but I get to groove along to some of the best music in the world.

One of my friends commented that I could move on if I just asked him to burn me a few CDs - now that is something worth thinking about.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

PISSED OFF

I don't think I made a mistake in Obama, but I sure am pissed off.

Why did Obama choose Pastor Rick Warren to speak at his inauguration?

I mean, this man is against gay rights and spearheaded the campaign to ban gay marriage in California - not to mention that he is a crazy Christan fundamentalist. I thought Obama was against mixing church and state...so why is he courting the fundamentalists?

I don't get it - and I - and many liberals - are pissed off.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

THE BIG FAG IN ME


Last night a friend and I did the gayest thing possible - we went and saw Liza Minnelli perform at the legendary Palace Theater on the Great White Way that is broadway.  

The place was packed to the rafters with old fags and old Jews - and Liza put on a hell-of-show. 

 I loved it - it was something that could only happen in New York City.

I also loved being the youngest person in the room.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

IS IT JUST ME?

I hooked up with a guy from manhunt.net.

Let me explain:

Cursed with the three deadly Manhattan sins - horny, bored and lonely, I went looking for internet love.  

He lived uptown on the edge of Harlem - the 2 express train got me there in minutes.  He met me at the door - he looked enough like his pics to ensure an evening of fun.

Once in his apartment, I noticed he was playing porn on his big screen Sony with the sound off. The silence was broken when he reached for the remote and clicked on a collection of gospel themed Christmas songs.  As I sat on his beige modern sofa watching porn and listening to Silent Night, I knew this was not going to work out.

I mean, porn with Christmas hymns as mood music do not make a hook-up happen.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

FOOD PLEASE?

You know, I was on the train today and some fatty was begging for dollars to buy a meal.  I'm sorry, but if you weigh 200 pounds and are sporting new Nike Trainers, I don't think you need my money.  But of course, I saw the fatty make over $5 from my car - who would be that dumb?

Sunday, December 07, 2008

MISTER MAKEUP IN HEAVEN

This past week I have been in heaven - I am in St. Maartin working on a wedding - housed in my own private seaside villa.

Check out www.lasamanna.com

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

40?



I went to a screening of this God awful movie tonight - dreadful. I mean, it's a total copy of "How Stella Got Her Groove Back". And honey, Heather Locklear is no Angela Basset.

And isn't Heather Locklear like 60? It should be called flirting with 60....with Botox.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

STOP THEM!

I've said it before on this blog, and I'll say it again - I don't like Muslims.

I mean, what kind of religion preaches such hatred that grown men pick up guns and grenades and kill innocent people?

Of course, I'm talking about the carnage that occurred in India over the past several days.

Something has to be done worldwide to stop this religion.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

I LOVE THIS!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

MISTER MAKEUP RIDES AGAIN


MORE TIPS FROM MY BUDDY MISTER MAKEUP - CHECK HIM OUT AT www.celebrityeverything.com

Friday, November 21, 2008

NO DICE

What is wrong with this economy?

I mean, everyday the stock market gets lower and lower - more and more people lose their jobs and prices keep going higher and higher.

Are we seeing a new depression?

I think so. I predict it's going to get much worse.

PS - For those auto executives that want bailouts - next time try showing up in a commercial jet rather than a private one - kinda hard to believe that you really need the money when you live like kings.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

PRINCE UNCHARMING

Prince has gone crazy.

After running around the world in heavy makeup, high heels and butt revealing chaps, not to mention fucking every puss in every port, he has found GOD. Yes, the tiny purple wonder is going door to door as a Jehovah's Witness. He is also preaching against sex and gay marriage.

You know what I call this: hypocrisy.

The old guy can no longer sell records or get the pussy he once got, so he's turned to this to get publicity.

Sad.

Friday, November 14, 2008

I LOVE THESE PICS!!



I have always wondered what was underneath those kilts.

Now I know.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

SEX CHANGE HOSPITAL

This has to be the wackiest show on television.

The plot of this reality show is simple: trannies travel to Trinidad, Colorado for sex change operations.

Now half my friends are trannies, and I know "passing" isn't supposed to matter, but if you can't pass, I don't see the point. I mean, life is hard enough without being the man in a wig and lipstick on the A train.

Watch Sex Change Hospital on WE TV Tuesdays at 11 PM.

Monday, November 10, 2008

PROP 8

I've been getting emails asking me about my feelings on Prop. 8 in California that bans gay marriage.

Of course, it makes me furious.

What most people don't understand is that every civil right in America has come to light via "renegade" judges. I mean, do you really think rednecks in South Carolina would have welcomed black children in their schools in the 1960s without "renegade" judges or presidential intervention.

Hell, no.

Any civil right - black voting, school segregation, interracial marriage - would never have come to pass if it was put to a general vote.

That said, I'm also furious with the black community who voted by 70% to ban gay marriage. I mean, the black community would still be in the fields if it wasn't for "renegade" judges and presidents that used their executive powers to give them equal rights - the black community should know better.

Friday, November 07, 2008

THE DAY AFTER

Wow - what am I going to write about now?

After so many months of dumping on Sarah Palin and old daddy McCain, I'm at a loss for words.

But I will say I find it hilarious that Fox News pundits are acting like old daddy McCain barely lost. Excuse me, Obama whipped old daddy McCain's ass in the Electoral College by 364 to 163 - that's a huge win. Furthermore, Obama turned nine red states blue - with Indiana and Virginia going Democratic for the first time since 1964!

Now that's change.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

VICTORY!!!!!


I knew the night was going Obama's way when CNN announced Oprah was on her way to Grant Park in Chicago.

Let me explain:

I was too nervous to sit in my apartment, or to go to an election party, so like any good gay boy, I went to the gym. On a stationary bike at Crunch Fitness, I watched and listened as history unfolded. When CNN put Ohio in Obama's column, the gym crowd burst into applause. My eyes began to tear up and I knew at that moment Obama was going to win.

I chuckled when CNN cut to old daddy McCain's election headquarters in Ohio - old white people at banquet tables with grim expressions on their wrinkled faces. But you know, that about sums up the Republican party of 2008: old white folks with highballs at banquet tables.

As I walked back to my East Village apartment, the populace had taken to the streets with cheers and chants of Obama, Obama, Obama.

Yes, the times are a changing - and not a moment too soon.

I VOTED

Well, to he honest, I voted by absentee several weeks ago.

My fingers are crossed.

Change is coming...I just hope it's the right one.

OBAMA

Sunday, November 02, 2008

GETTING DOWN TO BASICS

If you want a tax cut, vote for the Obama ticket.

If you want a tax cut for the top 5%, vote for the old daddy McCain/Bush ticket.

Simple as that.

Friday, October 31, 2008

POOR OLD DADDY McCAIN

Good Lord, poor old daddy McCain is really desperate.

Do we really want a president that will do any dispicable thing to win?

Now old daddy McCain's campaign is trying peg Obama as a Jew hater - as well as a pal of terrorists and a socialist and a Marxist.

What's next?

I'm surprised old daddy McCain hasn't labeled him the 666 bearing Anti-Christ.

WWW.TAXCUTFACTS.COM

For anyone still on the fence, please go to www.taxcutfacts.org and see for yourself if Obama's tax plan will help you.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

WHO'S ON THE REPUBLICAN TICKET?

I'm just curious, is old daddy McCain running for president or is it Joe the Plumber?

ANOTHER GREAT AD

VOTE NO TO SARAH PALIN

Monday, October 27, 2008

BAD FASHION

OMG - has anyone noticed now that Sarah Palin is wearing her own clothes again, she looks like shit.

STUPID SARAH PALIN

I mean, how dumb can these people that attend Republican rallies be?

Now Sarah Palin is screaming from the pulpit that Obama will "punish hard work" by increasing taxes.

Now, my dear Escada and Dolce donned lady , we all know that Obama has stated time and time again that 95% of the folks will be getting a tax break - only if you are making $250,000 or more per year will your taxes go up. What you are trying to do is scare stupid people - that will never in their wildest dreams make $250,000 per year - into thinking that their taxes will be raised if they work hard and make more money. As Joe the plumber found out himself, he would indeed save money on the Obama tax plan.

In other words, the Republicans are doing what they do best - patting the rednecks on the back with pledges of religion, pro-life and death to fags while stealing from their back pockets.

I LOVE THIS PIC - DANCING WITH THE STARS 09

Saturday, October 25, 2008

MAKEUP FOR THE PIG

I am painting the wrong pigs.

Word is out that Sarah Palin's traveling makeup artist is the highest paid staffer on the old daddy McCain team - she made over $22,000 for two weeks work. I guess, it takes a lot of paint to turn the pig's ear into a silk purse.

Once again, Sarah the soccer mom proves that she has nothing in common with Joe the plumber.

Friday, October 24, 2008

VOTER TESTING

You know, this might make me sound like an East Coast elitist, but I think you should have to take an "issues" test to be allowed to vote. I mean, there are so many idiots that vote for a hairstyle, a suit or the color of skin that I think a short and simple test to demonstrate that you know the issues is a dandy idea.

PALIN AND THE PLUMBER

You know, according to 2007 tax records, Sarah Palin and her husband reported an income of $250,000 - that's a quarter of a million dollars! Also, news leaked out that the Republicans spent over $150, 000 on fancy clothes for Palin and her family.

I ask you: what the hell does she have in common with Joe the plumber?

I mean, she's running around the country with her winks and her "you betcha's" preaching about the perils of the working man....well, coupled with old daddy McCain's 7 houses and his $10 million dollar wife, I don't think the McCain/Palin ticket has anything in common with Joe the plumber whatsoever.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

ANOTHER PALIN BLUNDER

Oh, honey, yet another reason not to vote for old daddy McCain. I mean, Sarah Palin doesn't even know the job description of a vice president. A complete idiot.

Monday, October 20, 2008

REDNECK NATION

You know what really pisses me off?

Stupid Sarah Palin talking down to Americans in her stump speeches.

I was watching CNN tonight and there she was with her winks and her "you betcha's" telling her supporters that unlike eloquent Obama, she and old daddy McCain talk the talk of the people.

I mean, don't redneck Republicans get that she's talking down to them?

Saturday, October 18, 2008

ANN, WHERE ARE YA?


Has anyone else been wondering where Ann "cunt" Coulter has been hiding?

The blonde Republican mouthpiece has apparently been muzzled for this election.

I mean, wasn't she the original pit bull in lipstick?

Friday, October 17, 2008

SARAH'S PLACE IN HELL

Watch this my darlings.

JOE THE PLUMBER?

Poor old daddy McCain.

At the debate he went on and on about "Joe the Plumber" - his epitome of the American man.

Well, it turns out old daddy McCain didn't do a very good job of checking "Joe" out.

"Joe", as it turns out, does not have a plumber's license. "Joe" also owes back taxes and is prone to making racist and redneck comments.

Oh, yeah, "Joe" also admitted today that Obama's tax plan would save him money - not old daddy McCain's tax plan.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

WONDER WOMAN: BE VERY AFRAID OF SARAH PALIN



Lynda Carter, who played Wonder Woman on television in the 1970s, slammed Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin as the "anti-Wonder Woman."

Carter made her remarks in response to a question from Philadelphia Magazine about comparisons between Wonder Woman and Gov. Palin (Alaska), the GOP's first veep nominee.

"She’s judgmental and dictatorial, telling people how they’ve got to live their lives," Carter added. "And a superior religious self-righteousness … that’s just not what Wonder Woman is about. Hillary Clinton is a lot more like Wonder Woman than Mrs. Palin. She did it all, didn’t she?"

Carter said that it was "anti-American" to try to force religious views on others.

"I like John McCain," Carter said. "But this woman — it's anathema to me what she stands for. I think America should be very afraid. Very afraid. Separation of church and state is the one thing the creators of the Constitution did agree on — that it wasn’t to be a religious government. People should feel free to speak their minds about religion but not dictate it or put it into law."

I always loved Wonder Woman, now i love her more.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

MORE POLITICS

Why does old daddy McCain keep ranting and ranting in his stump speeches that the Democrats with Obama at the helm are going to be be big spenders.

I mean, didn't Democrat Bill Clinton pay off old daddy Bush's deficit and balance the budget and leave sonny boy Bush with a surplus?

What do we have now?

A trillion dollar debt courtesy of the Republicans.

Doesn't make sense does it?

And why does Sarah Palin keep ranting that Obama doesn't want America to win the war in Iraq?

What does that mean?

I mean, how do we know if we won? Do we win when all the Iraqis are dead?

She's one stupid bitch.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

1980'S CHARM

I love this video. Teenage tranny that I was, I danced in the mirror with a hairbrush many times to this song.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

UNCLE TOM'S CABIN

I couldn't believe it.

Let me explain:

I was working today with an African-American mother and daughter; and being the loud New Yorker that I am, I chatted nonstop about politics and the race for the White House. Of course, I thought I was with "family", so I sang my praises for Obama - but my choir wasn't singing back.

Hmmm....I thought - something's not right here - I better shut up and just paint this puss and be done with it. Later I learned that mother and daughter were both old daddy McCain supporters.

I mean, they were both very nice, but do they live in Uncle Tom's cabin? Don't they know that old daddy McCain voted against a national Martin Luther King holiday? Not to mention that the majority of southern Republicans believe that the Civil War was a just war.

I don't get it.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

OLD DADDY McCAIN IS THE TERRORIST

Damn, I hate Republicans - I really, really , really HATE them.

Now that old daddy McCain is sinking like a brick in the polls, he's getting crazy - or is he senile?

I mean, rather than talk about the economy or health care, all he and Sarah - Bush in a dress - Palin can talk about is Bill Ayers.

I mean, get real, I lived in Chicago for several years and Bill Ayers was known as a thoughtful and intelligent social liberal - not a terrorist. To somehow tie Obama via his middle name and Bill Ayers is a scare tactic that has nothing whatsoever to do with the issues facing Americans.

Please vote Obama.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

HONOR?

Last night at the debate, old daddy McCain really made my blood boil.

One comment in particular:

"Obama would have brought our troops home in defeat,” McCain said. “I will bring them home with victory and honor.”

So what does that mean?

I guess the body bags have to keep piling up to satisfy old daddy McCain's bizarre sense of honor?

I mean, did he learn anything while stuffed in a cage in Vietnam? War is not the answer - and you can't force democracy on foreign nations. Iraq - like Vietnam - is a war we never should have started - and like Vietnam, we will never win.

I say bring the boys home now - that is honor.

Monday, October 06, 2008

A MARRIAGE MADE IN HEAVEN


Bush's approval rating is at 26%

Do we really need four more years of Bush - a vote for old daddy McCain will do just that.

PS - I think these two are headed to California to get hitched.

PPS - When Bill Clinton left office, his approval rating was a whopping 68% - the highest ever recorded since polls began 70 years ago.

Friday, October 03, 2008

THE DEBATE

I watched the VP debate last night with much sadness.

Why?

Because the whole thing was dumbed down to accommodate village idiot Sarah Palin. I mean, the bar was set so low, she only had to show up to win points.

Does Sarah Palin win just because she didn't fuck up?

Is it okay to dumb things down to appear nice?

Is this what America has come to?

I mean, one of these candidates could easily become the leader of the free world. Shouldn't we remove the gloves and put "niceness" on hold and ask serious questions? I mean, it was sad that Joe Biden couldn't rip her a new asshole with her inept and staged answers because of the risk that he would appear "mean" and "sexist".

Listening to Sarah Palin's dumb "you betcha" dialogue while avoiding serious questions was sickening.

America deserves better.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

REDNECK NATION



You know, why is it that the states (red) that old daddy McCain has claimed as his own, are such redneck states? I mean, most of those red states have the lowest percentage of college graduates, museums, art, culture etc... and most are incredibly racist.

I think this says alot about Republicans.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

MAIN STREET

Okay, I admit I don't quite understand this bailout thing - but I do understand that if Wall Street fails, so does Main Street USA.

I know many Americans want the Fat Cats of Wall Street to suffer their own fate, but if they fall, so will the rest of us - and hard.

Suze Orman - who I love even though she ignored me when I said hello to her on 13th street last year - said on CNN that no matter what happens, the USA economy will not get back on track until 2015.

I guess I will have to keep painting pusses until I keel over.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

SEEING IS BELIEVING



Darlings, this is too scary to be true - but it is.

SNL

Saturday, September 27, 2008

PALIN IN '08

DODGE THAT BULLET

Friday, September 26, 2008

WAY TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT

The race is close.

I am begging all undecided voters to really look at what a vote for old daddy McCain would mean. My degree is in journalism, which means I have numerous schoolmates working the media beat in DC, and word on the street is that old daddy McCain has one foot in the grave.

What does that mean besides a state funeral?

Sarah - "I shoot wolves from helicopters" - Palin as President of the United States - that's what it means!

This is a woman who believes that looking at Russia from her front door qualifies her as a foreign policy expert. 

This is a woman who named her kids Track and Trig - I'm sure the next one will be named Budweiser. 

Even Laura - "My glazed look is from huge amounts of Valium" - Bush has told reporters that Palin lacks foreign policy experience - "but she's a quick learn."

Is this who we really want for president?

Let's all dodge a bullet and vote for Obama.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

COFFEE TIME IN IBIZA


Why is it so hard to find a decent cup of coffee in America?

Every time I return from Europe I ask myself the same question.

In Europe, there is no such thing as a "pot" of coffee - it simply doesn't exist in Europe. If you want a coffee, the beans are ground, brewed and served for each individual customer - and it's heaven. I mean, I love a yummy Cafe Con Leche - and you can get it for the price of a single cup of Starbucks "pot" coffee.

Why can't America get it's caffeine this way?

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

2000 FAGS ON A BOAT 2008




Enough politics for this week.

I recently returned from my big gay cruise 2008. Yes, 2000 fags sailed from London to Barcelona with stops in Paris, Bilbao, Spain, Lisbon, Portugal, La Coruna, Spain, Cadiz, Spain and the party island of Ibiza.

The boat departed from Harwich, England - about two hours up the coast from London. We stayed in London for a few days at the urban lodge Hoxon Hotel - www.hoxtonhotels.com - in London's new hip area Shoreditch, which is often compared to my East Village neighborhood in NYC - bars, restaurants and art galleries on every corner.

Late one night we went to a club called Pop Stars, which was packed with skinny trendy gay boys in skinny trousers and skinny ties- and I do mean boys, because I don't think anyone was over the age of 17. I mean, I have never felt so old or so fat in my life, but the music was loud and Kylie-oriented....I drank way too much alcohol infused apple cider and danced until 5 AM. We left dripping with sweat and soon stuffed our faces with greasy fish and chip platters. Since the Underground (subway) closes at 12 AM, and cabs were nowhere to be found, we had to hike to Trafalgar Square to catch a night bus. Believe me, sitting on top of a big red double-decker bus with the streets pretty much deserted made for a wonderful and magical ride back to the hotel.

Other highlights included a visit to the V&A museum to see the Diana Ross and the Supremes Gowns exhibit, which was fabulous as well as fagulous. Also, the bizarre Harrods’s tribute to Princess Diana and Dodi Al-Fayed is a must see. Located next to the escalators - his father owns Harrods’s - the tribute is both morbid and camp.

Friday, September 19, 2008

PALIN THE NAZI BOOK BANNER

THE DEVIL IN A BEE HIVE



Does anyone else thinks Sarah Palin looks like a serial killer?

Thursday, September 18, 2008

CHANGE

This is what the Gallop Poll found out about old daddy McCain's supporters:

For Obama’s Voters, It’s Change; for McCain’s, Experience
September 16, 2008
Despite John McCain’s recent efforts to adopt a “change” positioning, only 3% of his supporters volunteer that they are voting for the Republican nominee because of his ability to bring about change, compared to 37% of Obama supporters.

I guess old daddy McCain's supporters love that the economy is in the worst recession/depression since 1931 - and they don't want a change. God, I hate Republicans - stupid fools every one of them.

The biggest fool of them all is grease bucket Donald Trump who endorsed old daddy McCain last night on Larry King. Of course, he was spouting all the lies of the McCain campaign that Obama will raise taxes...Larry King stopped him cold and said Obama would only raise taxes for the rich. Trump went on to say that the rich deserved the tax cuts because they produce jobs...hmmm, if that's true, then with the Bush tax cuts for the rich intact, why are we in a recession? Honey, the trickle down theory never worked for Reagan and it's not working for Bush.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

CHILDREN

Everyone knows I don't like children.

And I really don't like children that scream and have meltdowns in public areas - no, I'm sorry Mr. and Mrs. Parent, I don't find your child's screams and tantrums funny or cute, nor do I think your child is the smartest thing since Albert Einstein.

Funny thing is, I just got back from three weeks in Europe where I didn't witness a single child scream or have a meltdown.

Why is that?

The children in Europe are well-behaved -and the parents seem to genuinely love and enjoy them, which in my opinion, makes for a child who doesn't scream or have meltdowns. So many parents in America seem to have children out of boredom or out of loneliness or out of laziness - not good reasons to have a child. Also, parents in America seem to be on a never ending circle of play dates, hockey practice, ballet recitals... so much activity that the kids are not only exhausted, but feel deprived of their parent's attention and love.

Just my opinion.

Friday, September 12, 2008

DEPEND ON OLD DADDY McCAIN

I just can't believe that old daddy McCain is now ahead in the polls. I mean, who the hell wants four more years of Bush and Republican rule? It baffles the mind.


Tuesday, September 09, 2008

OFF THE BOAT

I am off the big fag love boat and sightseeing and clubbing in Barcelona. It is sad to leave the boat and fend for myself. We sailed from London to Paris to Lisbon and many ports in Spain - check back for more stories.

Saturday, September 06, 2008

A NOTE FROM SPAIN

I am in Cadiz, Spain, but I have to weigh in on old daddy McCain´s choice of running mate.

Is he crazy? Is he senile?

Miss Sarah has been on the city council of a tiny town, a mayor of a dinky town and the Governor of a small state - and now she is capable of running the greatest nation on earth if old daddy McCain kicks the bucket?

I don´t think so. I mean, Helen Keller could do a better job.

Furthermore, don´t you love that she protested and vetoed school sex education with the claim that it should be taught at home...and she ends up with a teenage pregnant bimbo daughter. Uh, Sarah, you ain´t doing a very good job at home teaching your kids about sex.

Once again, Republican hypocrisy in action.

Friday, August 29, 2008

LONDON CALLING

Here is what I've learned about London thus far:

1) BRING LOTS OF POWDER - Brits do not embrace air conditioning like their brothers and sisters across the pond, thus, even the most cleverly applied concealer is doomed to failure.

2) THE ROCK AND ROLL T-SHIT LOOK FOR MEN IS OVER - AND I MEAN OVER - Brits are wearing slim-fitted cowboy shirts (solids and plaids) with skinny jeans and skinny ties - very Justin "sexy back" Timberlake. Keep in mind most male Brits are built like Nicole Richie, so buyer beware - even I had to buy shirts labeled large. I mean, on 18th street in Chelsea I'm a waif, but in the east end of London, I'm a pumped out muscle boy. Who knew?

3)THE LONDON TUBE (SUBWAY) IS AMAZING AND HORRIBLE AT THE SAME TIME - I love that the tube - unlike NYC - runs every 2 minutes and criss crosses the city rather than just up and down - ths makes life so much easier. The downside: The cars are tiny with no air conditioning and the tube stops running at 12 midnight.

4) THE EXCHANGE RATE IS HORRIBLE - I am buying very little here - the exchange rate is 2 to 1 in favor of the Brits. I mean, everything is double of what you would pay for a similar item in America.

5) DIANA ROSS AND THE SUPREMES GOWN COLLECTION AT THE V&A MUSEUM - This exhibit is a dream come true for any music lover - or a music lover that is a big fag. This collection - put together by former Supreme Mary Wilson and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame - showcases the rise of the girl group via music, video screened interviews, album covers and gowns. A must see.

6) I LOVE A BRITISH ACCENT - I've said it before, and I'll say it again, men are just sexier with an accent.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

LONDON

Well, I couldn't wait to post. I am in the east end of London at the fabulous Hoxton Hotel. www.hoxtonhotels.com. The east end of London is very similar to the trendy lower east side of Manhattan - lots of hipsters and skinny minnies. I love it. I board the boat in Harwich on Saturday.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

VACATION - 2000 FAGS ON A BOAT

Hello everyone - I am leaving today for my summer vacation. I am once again taking a big gay cruise to Europe. I will be posting about my shenanigins when I return in mid-September.

Monday, August 25, 2008

ROAD TRIP

I had a great shoot up by the Canadian border this week – beautiful country. I was offered the opportunity to fly or rent a car…I chose road trip. And boy, am I glad I did – the crew got stuck sleeping at the airport due to weather while I zoomed home through the Catskill Mountains via four wheels and a hefty dose of Starbucks.

I made my usual stops along the way – Target, Costco and various outlet malls, but this road trip I found something new. Coasting along Route 81 slurping a cherry Dairy Queen Mister Misty, I saw a huge billboard that advertised…ADULT OUTLET – TRUCKERS WELCOME. Well, you know I had to check it out.

Located a few blocks off the highway, Adult Outlet was a huge bunker of a buiding surrounded by a gravel pit. A sign on the door read…Everyone Leaves Happy. I swear, I am not making this up.

Once inside, I thought I was at a bear convention – I have never seen so many overweight men in my life. I mean, Louie Anderson would be the thin pretty one here. In the back was a “video room” where men leaving were adjusting their zippers as well as their wedding rings. Amidst all of the married men were dildos, blowup dolls, lube and other assorted sex toys for sale. I wondered as I left…Who buys this stuff on the interstate – and when do they get the chance to use it?

As I was getting into my rental car, a hefty trucker strode up to me:

“You know, you would look mighty fine in a long blonde wig.”

I wasn’t at all shocked by his comment. I mean, it wasn’t the first time I’d been told that – although it’s usually a red wig.

I noticed he was carrying one of those keychains with picture charms – his photos were of a chunky brunette woman and three chubby kids eating Eskimo Pies. I guess he needed a blonde moment – don’t we all?

“You wouldn’t happen to have a wig in the car?”

I told him in an extremely nice way I wasn’t interested and drove off on my journey. The odd thing was, I did have a blonde wig packed in my makeup/hair bag.

Friday, August 22, 2008

MINNESOTA STYLE



You can't make this shit up.

Below is an actual article from the leading Minnesota newspaper.

Yes, Minnesota style at it's finest.

You go, Libby.


Style star: Libby Benda, from Highland Park, St. Paul.

Spotted at: Hennepin and Lake.

This Uptown intersection is the easiest place in town to find a fashion plate -- at any given moment, even on a Sunday night. That's where Benda was after having dinner with friends at Chino Latino last weekend. While she doesn't begin studying at St. Thomas until fall, her shopping skills are clearly already at the college level: This yellow and black dress is from Forever 21, the shoes are from Charlotte Russe and the shoulder bag is from the Fun Sisters Boutique.

SARA GLASSMAN

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

NO MORE MANHUNT.NET

What is a lonely queen gonna do now on a Saturday night?

It was reported that www.manhunt.net - the premier gay cruising site - gave money to old daddy McCain's presidential war chest.  

What?

I know, I was stunned, too.  I promptly canceled  - as did hundreds of other queens - my membership.  

It seems it's okay to make cash money from gays, but not okay to give them legal rights.




Saturday, August 16, 2008

MISTER MAKEUP


Hey - My buddy Mister Makeup has a new column up - take a peek at www.celebrityeverything.com.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

A CLOSE ONE

Boy, did we dodge a bullet.

I'm talking about John Edwards and his wayward penis.

I mean, what was he thinking? In this youtube era, did he really think he wouldn't be caught? And why did he pick a middle-aged bottle blonde to cheat with? If you're gonna risk it all, at least pull a Gary Hart and fuck a big tittied whore like Donna Rice.

All I can say is, Obama, keep it in your pants.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

TAKING OUT THE LONG ISLAND TRASH


I love Anderson Cooper.

“Living Lohan is just atrocious,” said Anderson, who branded the showbusiness family “horrific.”

“I cannot believe I’m wasting a minute of my life watching these horrific people,” Anderson retorted.

Even young Ali Lohan wasn’t safe from one of Andy’s quips:

“[Ali] is a 14-year-old girl, looks to be about 60. She allegedly wants to be a singer and or actor-slash-performer of some sort, striptease person, I don’t know.”

I mean.in all fairness though, Ali does look like a 40-year-old soccer mom.

Family matriarch Dina Lohan has hit back, saying, “People are just cruel! This is bad karma for him.”

You, go Anderson.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

MIDNIGHT AT THE OASIS

I couldn’t sleep last night. Maybe it was the rain, maybe it was the sticky heat, or maybe it was because my mind wouldn’t shut up. I needed to have a drink. I got dressed and left the apartment. I didn’t shower – I planned on getting dirty where I was headed.

In a dark bar on Avenue B, the city that never sleeps was wide-awake at 3 am. The vodka/ diet Coke tasted divine, but I knew the slightly drunk man next to me that smelled of whiskey and cigarettes would taste even better. I barely smiled at him and we were in a corner making out. He had a deep foreign accent and wore a shark’s tooth on a leather cord around his neck. He was sexy and strong, and he had muscles in a manly way – not a Chelsea way. And yeah, he kissed me like he meant business.

I didn’t take him home. Something about him scared me. I told him I had to meet a friend and I left the bar. I went home and slept like a baby.

It’s been a rough week. Saturday was the sixth anniversary of my husband’s death. On that same day, I received two rejection notices from apartments I had applied for. Before the clock struck Midnight, a business partner announced he no longer wanted to work with me. The next morning, I went downstairs and someone had stolen the two tires off my bicycle – the only night I had forgotten to chain the tires.

I played Joni Mitchell's "Blue" CD the entire afternoon.

Is it no wonder I can’t sleep?

Friday, August 01, 2008

SAY NO TO WALMART

I found this tidbit in the news today.

"WalMart Stores Inc., the world's largest retailer, denied a report Friday that it had pressured employees to vote against Democrats in November because of worries that a bill the party supports would make it easier for workers to unionize.


The measure, called the Employee Free Choice Act, would allow labor organizations to unionize workplaces without secret ballot elections. It was co-sponsored by Barack Obama, the presumed Democratic presidential candidate, and opposed by John McCain, the presumed Republican nominee."

Oh, please, WalMart is one big Republican franchise.

Please do not shop at WalMart.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

MINNEAPOLIS

You know, this fat thing is getting out of hand.

Let me explain:

I was in Minneapolis this past week and I was shocked at how many more fat people I saw. Now Minnesota is well known as the land of 10,000 fatties, but this trip the mirth and girth was out of control. I mean, everywhere I went I saw fatties so fat they had to use scooters, walkers or wheelchairs to maneuver about.

I'm sorry, but if you're so fat that you can't even walk on your own, it's time to put down the fork.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

MANHATTAN MOMENTS

The glorious thing about Manhattan is that you never know how your day is going to end up. I mean, the possibilities are endless.

Let me explain:

I woke up hung over – last night my friend took me to an advance screening of Mamma Mia, which is not only fabulous, it’s fagulous. The after party was at some smarmy, but chic lounge on the lower east side. More importantly, the drinks and food were free. Since the economy is in the toilet, and pennies are tight, I decided to drink up. At 3 am, I walked – or stumbled – up Avenue A to my apartment. The entire evening: $4.

I had planned to spend the day in bed watching reruns of Project Runway when the phone rang.

It was the Israeli.

He wanted to come over for a visit.

I looked in the mirror.

Not pretty.

Give me an hour, I said as I reached for the concealer.

After a quick 90-minute love session, the Israeli was out the door.

As I lounged like a kitten in our sex sheets, the phone rang. It was Ken, an elderly South African diplomat that I had not heard from in months. He needed a date to a dinner party. With Ken, I never spend a dime, and so what if payment is his wrinkly hand giving me a hand job at evening’s end.

I tossed on a slim black t-shirt with some Prada pants and accessorized myself with a drum of Ivory Bisque concealer. Ken took me to an amazing dinner party at the United Nations. He kept commenting on my glowing skin - I did not tell him 45 minutes earlier I had been rolling in the hay. The other diners included various Broadway producers, diplomats and bankers - all very interesting. One savvy woman whispered to me on the balcony – “I know you look young, but I can tell by your conversation that you’re much older.” She winked at me and smiled.

Back at Ken’s Tudor City apartment, he served me a big glass of champagne. I saw him reach for the Kiehl's Extra Creamy hand lotion and I knew it was time to pay my bill. I leaned back in his authentic Barcelona chair and marveled at his spectacular view of the Chrysler Building. I fantasized about the Israeli and my payment came very quick.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

MUSLIMS


This is why it is so fucked up to insinuate Obama is a Muslim...because the majority of Muslims are insane.

Oh, I sound a bit harsh? You bet.

Take what happened today in the middle east: Israel exchanged a killer that murdered numerous people - including a child and her father -for the bodies of two slain servicemen.

What do the crazy Muslims do in Lebanon? They throw a party in honor of the murderer and proclaim him a national hero.

That honey, is how fucked up Muslims are.

NASTY POLITICS


The current New Yorker Magazine cover is disgusting. I mean, does anyone other than a Republican think this is funny?

Mark my words, the Republicans play dirty, and they will be pushing the Muslim envelope big time as the race heats up. Much like Bush cronies did in the 2000 Republican primaries (making phone calls to Republicans insinuating that old daddy McCain had a black child), McCain cronies will be making similar phone calls to Democrats insinuating Obama is a Muslim.

Let's hope Obama doesn't get sunk by this swift boat.

Monday, July 14, 2008

PANDERING TO THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT

McCain’s extremist opposition to gay adoption is not only stupid, but lacks scientific backing.

In a revealing interview with the New York Times, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) — an adoptive parent himself — declared that he opposed the right of gay couples to adopt children, even if it meant leaving children in orphanages:

Q: President Bush believes that gay couples should not be permitted to adopt children. Do you agree with that?

Mr. McCain: I think that we’ve proven that both parents are important in the success of a family so, no I don’t believe in gay adoption.

Q: Even if the alternative is the kid staying in an orphanage, or not having parents.

Mr. McCain: I encourage adoption and I encourage the opportunities for people to adopt children I encourage the process being less complicated so they can adopt as quickly as possible. And Cindy and I are proud of being adoptive parents.

Q: But your concern would be that the couple should a traditional couple —

Mr. McCain: Yes.

So old daddy McCain would rather see children waste away in orphanages and foster care than be adopted by loving parents - even after study after study confirms that children raised with gay parents are NO different than those raised with straight parents.

What an asshole.

Friday, July 11, 2008

DIGITAL DIET


Is this really Jennifer Hudson?

Either she is about to check into the anorexia wing of the Nicole Richie Hospital , or this picture has been photoshopped to death.

I mean, thin is always "in", but I kinda liked Miss Effie White big-boned.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

HEART ATTACK





I'm having a Heart moment.

I hated these girls in the 1980's, but lately, their sappy metal power ballads - "Alone", "What About Love" and "These Dreams" - are making me smile. I also adore watching their dreadful videos on youtube. I mean, was their wardrobe, hair and makeup team on crack? I've never seen so much eyeliner, purple hair, leopard print and lace outfits in my entire life - not even in a Cher video!

I also love how the director is forever trying to shield the obesity of lead singer Ann Wilson. In one video, she was only seen in a cropped - no chins - face shot in a video screen next to the stage. In another video, a wide-angle lens is used to stretch her body; and in yet another attempt, the hairstylist glued her long hair extensions to her chubby cheeks to minimize the width of her wide face. If all else failed, the director would blur her out with artful dark lighting or use a body double. And if the group was ever shown on stage, it was from far, far away and Ann was dressed in a head-to-toe black coat.

Of course, Ann's vocally challenged - but thin and blond - sister, is all over the videos in skimpy outfits pretending to sing.

I've read that the sisters' hated making these videos - and I don't blame them, but they are my new guilty pleasures.

COFFEE BREAK

You know, I need to stay out of Starbucks.

Let me explain:

I don't understand why a person would wait 10 minutes in a line of 20 people and not have your order ready and your money out. Today, some twat in front of me stood for 10 minutes, and when it was her turn to order, didn't know what she wanted....furthermore, she had to fiddle around in her obvious fake Coach bag for her money.

Well, I had had enough.

"Don't you think you could have figured all this out while you waited 10 minutes in the line - you are making everyone wait."

She looked at me with evil in her Jersey eyes ..."I don't think it's any of your business."

Thank goodness for New Yorkers...three people behind me screamed at her to hurry the hell up.

As she picked up her coffee, a black woman yelled at her...."And you ain't fooling anyone with that fake Coach bag either."

Only in New York, kids, only in New York.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

ROT IN HELL


The wicked witch of the south is dead. I hope the munchkins are singing and dancing – because I certainly am.

Patron saint of hate, Jesse Helms, passed away on July 4th and I couldn’t be happier.

This man proudly proclaimed himself a bigot of both blacks and gays and fought against their civil rights his entire life. What’s frightening is this man spewed his hate while he was a United States Senator for over 25 years!!

Here are a few direct quotes from him and examples of his handiwork:

"The Negro cannot count forever on the kind of restraint that's thus far left him free to clog the streets, disrupt traffic, and interfere with other men's rights."

The University of North Carolina was "the University of Negroes and Communists."

"There is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy."

Homosexuality is "degenerate," and homosexuals "weak, morally sick wretches."

In 1993 sang "Dixie" in an elevator to Carol Moseley-Braun, the first African-American woman elected to the Senate, bragging, "I'm going to make her cry. I'm going to sing Dixie until she cries."

More recently, when a caller to CNN's Larry King Live show praised guest Jesse Helms for "everything you've done to help keep down the niggers," Helms' response was to salute the camera and say, "Well, thank you, I think."

Helms would win election against black opponent Harvey Gantt with an ad playing to racist white fear-- the so-called "white hands" ad, in which a white man's hands crumple a rejected job application while a voiceover intones, "You needed that job…but they had to give it to a minority."

With his passing, it’s another nail in the coffin for “old white man” politics.

Rot in hell

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

GAY PRIDE

It was gay pride in Manhattan this past weekend.

I started the festivities at an awful party. John Cameron Mitchell - of Hedwig and Shortbus movie fame - was hosting a “Judy Garland” soirĂ©e in the West Village. I’ve never been a fan of Miss Judy – and I once painted her daughter Lorna Loft, who was quite nice until I mentioned her sister Liza, but hey, that’s another story. I love John, so I thought I might meet some interesting queens.

Boy, was I wrong.

The bar was filled with pretentious artist wannabees – the kind whom take themselves sooooooo fucking seriously. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a pretentious fag, but they must be a pretentious fag with a sense of drama and humor– these fags were dull as dirt. Furthermore, there wasn’t an attractive man in the bunch. I mean, I hate going somewhere where you don’t find anyone interesting or anyone you want to fuck – now that sucks.

Saturday I went to Nowhere Bar – my usual Saturday night hangout. My buddy is the DJ, so I Black Bitch it up for free. The theme was double-headed disco, and the place was packed. Of course, nights like this – gay holidays – bring out the nuts. As I danced to Cheryl Lynn’s Got To Be Real, I met Don – a 50-year-old lawyer. He was high as a kite on X, and had a slight odor of BO, but I was hungry for attention, so I let him buy me a drink. After that, he wouldn’t leave me alone. Okay, he kept telling me I looked 25 - and he gave me a twenty-dollar bill to kiss him on the cheek. And yes, I took the dough; I have Botox to pay for. I guess my friends are right: I am a whore.

On Sunday, I went to the parade to watch my Israeli march in the Pride Israel contingent – he was shirtless and looked hot. He waved at me while he carried his flag. Sappy for an old broad like me, but I blushed like an innocent schoolgirl. What can I say; I’m a sucker for a man with an accent. We made plans for the following night.

Now that, honey, is pride.

Monday, June 30, 2008

LIVING LOHAN


I swear, I wasn't going to watch this show, but with nothing on the boob tube this summer, I don't have much of a choice. And, no, I wasn't about to read a book - although I can't wait for the Madonna tell-all in a few weeks.  

As for the Lohan's, who knew that a 14-year-old from Long Island had such a hip-hop soul?

Of course, I'm joking, but this show is a train wreck you can't take your eyes off. The basis of the show is mother Dina attempting to turn her youngest daughter Ali - an ugly version of sister Lindsey - into a singing sensation.

Mother Dina looks fabulous. I mean, with her bleached hair extensions, skinny jeans and that blank Botoxed expression, she's a priceless example of stage mothers gone wrong. At any moment I expect her to scream out: “Sing out June, Sing out!”

Hey, lightning struck twice with the Simpson sisters, so maybe little Ali has a chance, but I’m not holding my breath.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL


Of course, Tyra's sappy show has yet to create a supermodel, but I did recently work my magic on season three winner Naima.  

I think I made her look like a supermodel, don't ya think?

Friday, June 27, 2008

The 99 CENTS STORE

I had a good laugh today.  I was picking up some paper towels and Ajax at Jack's 99 cents store when I came across frozen fish (tripoli and salmon) in the freezer section.  I mean, you're taking your life - not to mention your stomach - into your own hands when you buy fish at the 99 cents store.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

ANNIE GET YOUR GUN

In a landmark ruling on personal gun ownership, the U.S. Supreme Court declared a Washington, D.C. handgun  ban unconstitutional. 

Of course, Bush and old daddy McCain championed the decision.  

Obama did not.  

I ask you:  Why do people need to own guns?  It's a 100% fact that countries (Denmark, Sweden) that have strict gun control laws have dramatically less crime.  

America's gun obsession has lead to school killings,  drive-by shootings, domestic violence, suicides and other assorted killings.   

One loony man on CNN said:  "Now I can protect my family."  Protect your family from what?  I mean, is this the wild west where disputes are settled on the streets?

I'm sorry, but guns have one purpose: to kill or injure human beings. 

Monday, June 23, 2008

THE REAL THING

After my tranny date on Friday, I had me a hungry hankering for some penis. Yes, I said it - I wanted me some bonafide penis.

And I got it.

I met the man of my dreams - a hot Israeli with a filthy mind and a hot body -  and he was as sweet as cherry pie.  I mean, he even texted me after he sexed me to say he had a good time - and he signed it with xxxooo.  

Oh, romance in the year 2008 on the ultimate island of lost souls: Manhattan.




Sunday, June 22, 2008

HANES FOR HER

What a weekend! Drama with a capital D.

Let me explain:

Friday night I had my date with my tranny man. We went to see “Sex and the City” - and I have to admit Josh (that’s his/her name) looked pretty damn hot waiting out front with his shaved head and tattoos. I swear, I couldn’t tell one iota he was packing a pussy in his panties.

After the movie, Josh walked me home. As we approached my block in the East Village, we discovered a movie being filmed with Julianne Moore – only in Manhattan do you stumble upon a movie star while on a date with a tranny.

At my door, Josh grabbed and kissed me.

At first, I liked his aggressiveness, and I have to admit the kiss was nice. Unfortunately, my smutty instincts took over and I started to run my hand southward to sample the merch.

That’s when it hit me.

Stop – don’t go there my brain screamed.

I guess it was the testosterone injections, because the more I said no, the more aggressive he became. I mean, I was like a school girl swatting his hands away as he groped me on the street. I wanted to yell Jessica Tandy's famous line from Fried Green Tomatoes – “Honey, just how many of those hormones are you taking?”

I mean, I’ve performed just about every perverted sexual act known to mankind on east 12th street, but I wasn’t about to add tranny rape to the list.

As I pushed him away, he asked me what was wrong. I told him I just couldn’t get past the pussy thing. He said that shouldn’t matter if two people find each other attractive. Maybe there is some truth there, but I’m just not that enlightened. I guess I’m old fashioned – I like a man with a penis.

I went upstairs alone.

The next day I received a text message informing me that I was very small minded.

Friday, June 20, 2008

MY MAN

Okay, tonight is the night - my date with my tranny - and I am a bit worried.

Via the internet (Thank God for the internet) I found that the proper term is: Transman.

I can hear it now..."Mother, this is my date...the transman." Sounds like a superhero (ine), doesn't it?

What I don't know is if my transman has a vagina or a makeshift penis; and to be honest, I don't want to find out.

What I don't understand is this: If a woman thinks she was born a man, and goes through hormones etc..why would she be attracted to a gay man? I mean, wouldn't she be attracted to a woman?

Life on the island of Manhattan: Why is it so confusing?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

GENUINE GENDER

I was out drinking last night.  

Oh, not that much, but a  few Black Bitches (vodka/Diet Coke) to wet the whistle and loosen the inhibitions.

I wasn't looking for love, but the bartender kept staring at me - he was cute in a "bearish" type of way - you know, tattoos, hairy and beefy.  He wasn't my type, but he kept my glass full and my face smiling with his jokes.

Later, he asked me out - but he had to tell me something:  He was transgendered.  

Transgendered?  I was shocked. The man was butcher than anyone in the neighborhood...well, I guess that wasn't saying much since it was Chelsea.  

Many of my friends are trannies, and I love them all, but a man with a vagina?  I mean, my life is confusing enough.

In the end, I gave him my number - we are going to the movies on Friday.


Monday, June 16, 2008

PISSED OFF

You know what really pisses me off?  

Women (it's never men) customers at Starbucks that wait 20 minutes in line only to reach the counter without their money in hand.   These bitches make everyone wait while they search their purses for their billfold and then search for that 13 cents so they won't have to break a bill.  On top of this, these stupid women have to repack their purses while everyone is waiting.  

I hate them.

Friday, June 13, 2008

DON'T MESS WITH A QUEEN




It's official: Madonna's bitchy brother Christopher has written a nasty tell-all book called "Life with my Sister" - detailing his many years as his sister's tag-a-long sidekick. Apparently, the book is filled to the gills with details of lady Madge's saucy shenanigans - and I hear Mrs. Ritchie is none too happy about this.

Well, what did she expect?

I mean, everyone knows that brother and sister were thick as thieves in Madonna's hey-day, but she turned her back on him when she married Guy Ritchie - apparently Guy Ritchie cannot stand swishy queens, so Christopher (as well as most of Madonna's gay friends) had to go.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Don't cross a queen!

I met Christopher several times in the late 90's at uber gay haunt Beige, and I have to say, he was one snotty queen. But then again, if I was Madonna's brother, I'd be one snotty queen, too - hell, I'm already a snotty queen. LOL.

Unfortunately, time has not been kind to Christopher - perhaps he could use a portion of his book money on some "work."

In any event, I just can't wait to read the book - it comes out July 15.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

THE BROKEN HIPSTER

Okay, we all know that skateboarding is the new Manhattan trend - but do we really need to see middle-aged men with greying sideburns on these things?

I think not.

I mean,  one of these aging hipsters is bound to get a broken hip.

The other night I was scoping celebs at the Waverly Inn when two 40+ men came zipping up on skateboards.  Of course, they were decked out in Prada, but that isn't the point.  Two cute girls behind me both chuckled outloud :  "Grow up!"

I could not have said it better.



Sunday, June 08, 2008

THE BACHELORETTE HE-SHE



You've gotta see my friend Riftgirl's latest video on YouTube.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

IPOD BLUES

Thank God for George Michael.

His words, wisdom and music are getting me through yet another heartache…I don’t know what it is about 80’s icons, but they always ease my pain. One summer, when I had my heart broken by a cab driver, nothing but Belinda Carlisle could sooth me. And when my husband died from cancer, it was all about Dusty Springfield – I know she is technically a 60’s icon, but she did have a resurgence compliments of the Pet Shop Boys in the 80’s, but I digress.

Well, now it’s George’s turn. His “Listen Without Prejudice” is playing nonstop on my ipod. I mean, I can hear his pain through his feathered hair.

My relationship that never was, is now over – he has left Manhattan to pursue his dreams of stardom. Did he like me? Or was it just convenient sex? I guess I will never know. I keep thinking I should have done more, but I could "woulda, shoulda" myself to death.

Why is love so hard?

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

THE GIRLS ARE BACK IN TOWN

I saw “Sex and the City” – and I loved it. I mean, what woman or gay man wouldn’t?

Fuck all the mixed and horrible reviews – if you loved the television show, you will love the movie. Granted, the movie isn’t as witty, quick-paced or groundbreaking as the original HBO series, but it is a valentine to all of the fans.

I am not going to give away the plot, but my big gripe with “Sex and the City” is that Sarah Jessica Parker has way too much screen time – and trust me, that big ugly mug isn’t too pretty in close-ups.

I mean, the title should have been “Carrie and the Sex and the City Girls” – very Diana “The Boss” Ross. Granted, Miranda has a good storyline, and Samantha has some of the best lines, but poor Charlotte has nothing to do but shit her pants.

All and all, a good Manhattan movie – but not the best. My favorite is “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”. Holly Golightly was the original Carrie Bradshaw.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

TIME

Do you know how to tell if you have too much time on your hands?

Watching the entire 2006 Dynasty Reunion on YouTube - that's how.

One of my best friends emailed me today with the news that she spent the evening watching the 2006 Dynasty Reunion show in its entirety on Youtube.

First off, I was amazed that she would admit it.

But after thinking about it, I'd probably do the same thing.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

SAVING MONEY

In these times of economic woes, I've found a few stylish ways to cut costs without cutting out life's necessities.

Let me explain:

I love my Starbucks' Soy Lattes - yes, I do. However, I find the $5 daily cost a bit too steep, so I order a small plain coffee in a large cup. Large cup in hand, I mosey on over to the bar and fill the remaining half with soy milk for a makeshift latte.

The savings? $3.10.

Everyone knows I love my Black Bitches - I also love saying it to bartenders - but the price of a vodka/Coke combo can hover around $12 at most lounges. Well, I can't sit home every night, so now I order a draft beer - not only does it "butch" me up, but saves me around $6 per drink.

If anyone else has any stylish money saving tips, please pass them along.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

IDOL THOUGHTS

Okay, I admit it – I loved the American Idol finale.

I mean, it was like The Lawrence Welk Show for the new millennium – shiny happy faces singing/slaughtering legendary songs.

Highlights included a fabulous vintage Gladys Knight singing “Midnight Train to Georgia” – that sista can sing. Also loved Miss George Michael – another sista that can sing. I mean, even Simon gave sister George a standing ovation.

Lowlights included poor chubby Donna Summer – her black pantsuit wasn’t doing her any favors. I mean, is she getting fashion tips from Hillary Clinton? And can we talk about leathery Bryan Adams? Poor dried out thing looked liked he hadn’t drank a glass of water since his last hit in the 1980s. Remember Bryan, Botox and Juviderm are your friends.

Finally, as much as I love David Cook, that weird comb-over hair-do has got to go. Face facts sista, you’re balding, so shave the head because you're not fooling anyone.
.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

THE SKINNY ON THINGS

Over drinks last night at uber-trendy Beige, my skinny friends and I were discussing a serious topic:

Weight gain in a relationship.

If your partner or wife or husband or whomever puts on extra weight, do you still have to fuck them? I mean, if they're no longer a hottie - and you still are - what do you do? Now, I 'm not talking five extra pounds, I'm talking 20 plus pounds and a serious addiction to channel surfing and deep dish pizzas.

After much debate, we agreed that in Manhattan, you can't afford to let yourself go...and if you do, you have to let that person go.

Sad, but true.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

A DOG FIGHT

Thank God Obama pulled up his Ivy Leagued sleeves and jumped in the Republican mud and came out swinging.

After Bush's stupid and insane anti-Obama comments in Israel, Obama - unlike John Kerry - didn't waste a single moment to defend himself.

Good for him - because as we all know, the Republicans play dirty.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

BIG BALLS



I couldn't resist.

Let me explain:

I happened to be in the Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport this week - and I couldn't let the opportunity slip by without a visit to where Republican Senator Larry Craig met his fate. You see, I normally travel via the smaller HHH Terminal, so I've yet to pay a homage to the stall of hypocrisy.

Armed with my Canon Sureshot, I strode into the mensroom. I was surprised there wasn't a guard or anything - and the promised floor to ceiling walls between toilets were no where in sight. I guess you can still play footsie.

As I snapped away, no one paid me the slightest attention - except one man. He approached me outside the bathroom and gave me his email address - "Please," he said. "Send me a few of those pictures - I lack the balls to take them myself."

"What are you going to do with the photos?" I asked.

"I want to send them to my friend John Waters."

How appropriate - I emailed him the photos today.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

THE SHOW IS CLOSED


She won big in West Virginia tonight, but big fucking deal. I mean, she's out and she knows it.

I love her quote she gave reporters this week:

"A woman is like a tea bag: You never know how strong she is until she's in hot water."

Well, she must be some strong ass tea.

They say there's no second acts in America, but I have feeling that won't hold true for Hillary Clinton.

Friday, May 09, 2008

A HARD GOODBYE

My fuck buddy is leaving Manhattan.

Okay, he's a little more than a fuck buddy. I mean, it's hard to have great sex with someone - as well as great conversation - for six months and have no emotion. I know he wasn't my boyfriend - he was way too young and way too cute, but it was nice in the lonely wee hours of the morning to pretend he was.

Maybe...just maybe...you don't always get what you want, but you get what you need.

Yes, I'm buying that one.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

LAST ONE AT THE PARTY

I hate to say it, because I support Hillary, but I think it's time for her to drop out of the race. The polls suggest she has a stronger chance to beat old daddy McCain in the fall, but I guess the public has spoken.

Let's pray Obama doesn't fuck up.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

THE WRONG WAY TO WRIGHT

Here's what I don't get about the Rev. Wright controversy:

He says that white people are attacking the "black" church. I've also heard other prominent blacks report that speeches such as Rev. Wright's are common in "black" churches.

If that is true, what does that say about black Americans? I mean, could you imagine the shit that would fly if such statements were spoken in "white" churches?

I'm sorry, but anti-American and anti-white bullshit shouldn't be spoken in any church.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

ANGELS AND KINGS


It's no secret that I love Ashlee Simpson - she's the ultimate ugly duckling success story.

I mean, she grew up in the shadow of busty blond big sister Jessica - and that couldn't have been easy for a girl with little talent, no tits and a big nose. However, with the help of a doctor's scalpel, she has transformed herself into a surgerized swan - and nabbed a rock star boyfriend.

Call me crazy, but I rocked out to her first album. Yes, I realize it was overproduced bullshit, but somehow I connected to her overproduced teenage angst - probably because I have so much of my own.

As luck would have it, Ashlee and her rock star fiance (Pete  Wentz of Fall Out Boy) have opened a bar named Angels and Kings located just steps from my apartment in the East Village. Ashlee and Pete are attempting to fashion it into a grungy version of the super chic Beatrice Inn. I've made it past the velvet ropes several times, but Ashlee was always surrounded by people - until last night.

Let me explain:

It was just after midnight when I saw my idol perched all by her lonesome on a bar stool. Her eyes were lined in heavy black makeup and I think (I hope) she was DJing because she was wearing "cans" over her red extensions.

I couldn't let this moment go by.

I casually bumped into my idol as I elbowed my way to the bar to order my $20 Black Bitch.

"So sorry."

She looked at me and smiled.

OK, this was my moment - try to be cool.

"The music is great tonight - who is this song by?"

"New mix by Madonna - here, have some drink tickets for your Black Bitches - what is a Black Bitch?"

"Vodka and Coke -Diet Coke if I'm feeling fat."

She laughed and handed me the tickets. She adjusted her "cans" and wandered into the crowd.

I had to catch my breath, but I had to be cool or the ever present security would label me a stalker.

The rest of the night was a blur.

I plan on going back every chance I get.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

BRATS

You know, you gotta love the rich.

Let me explain:

In Manhattan, we have a problem with brats. You know, spoiled rich kids with mommy and daddy paying all the bills. One of these brats (who is Jewish) recently told me she had started a scarf company called Peace Treaty with a Muslim friend. Apparently, these two brats think it is groundbreaking news for an Arab and a Jew to be working together. I mean, does anyone buy this bullshit?

In the same breath, she asked me to work a 10-hour day on her catalog for $150.... or perhaps a scarf.

Was she serious?

She cried poverty....and then told me she just bought an apartment on Central Park.

Yeah, you gotta love the rich.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

HILLARY

You know, I am sick of people saying that Hillary Clinton should drop out of the race. I mean, she won last night by double digits - obviously some people want her to say in the race.

Furthermore, she has won all of the large electorial rich states - New York, California, Texas, Ohio and Pennsylvania - not to mention the much debated Florida and Michigan. I agree that Obama is the future of the democratic party, but this is America afterall, and democracy rules, so let Hillary continue on.

Monday, April 21, 2008

SHE'S SHOWING HER AGE


After many years of looking a perpetual 28, Miss Nicole is showing her age. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, even with a forehead filled with Botox, the lower face never lies.

Friday, April 18, 2008

THE NEW 50


Many of you have asked me for a pic of former Go-Go Belinda Carlisle - a judge on my new favorite show "Rock the Cradle."

Well, here it is. Yes, this is what 50 looks like in 2008.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

MY NEW ROLE MODEL




OMG - I have a new role model.

Let me explain:

I was channel surfing the other night when I came upon MTV's new reality show "Rock The Cradle" - a horrific train wreck of a program that features the off-spring of famous singers competing American Idol style. I was about to switch channels when Chloe Lattanzi took the stage. I was stunned - and fascinated - not only by her awful singing, but her puffed up porn star meets Pete Burns face. I mean, this girl is only 22, but looks 45 via Priscilla Presley's surgeon. I was even more stunned to learn she was Olivia Newton John's daughter. Furthermore, People magazine ran a lengthy article about her bout with anorexia.

Yes, I love this girl.

Check her out on MTV. Oh, Belinda Carlise and her own plastic cup face is one of the judges.

God, I love this show.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

PARTNERS

You know, I'm starting to rethink this boyfriend thing.

Let me explain:

I ran into a friend last week that I had not seen in years.

Why?

Because he now has a partner.

He went on and on about how happy he was - he also added that the sex was still sizzling hot.

I couldn't take my eyes off his expanded waistline, double chin and poorly cut hair.

If this is what having a boyfriend looks like, I'll stay thin and single.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

CLIENT #9

“I think hiring a prostitute is the way to go…

I mean, if you just want a bump in the night, at least you know exactly what you are getting.”

So said a friend over drinks at uber-trendy homo haunt Beige.

Let me explain:

Our table was discussing the horrors of the unknown when entertaining a one-night stand. You know, once you’re between the sheets, you never know what surprises await you.

Smelly pits
Uncut
Small dick
Strange sex habits
Not wanting to leave
Bad breathe
Snoring

You know, we’ve all been there. right?

Maybe my friend has the right idea.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

HAPPINESS

Spring has finally sprung in Manhattan - and with it brings a sense of hope and happiness.

Over drinks the other night, my friends and I were discussing happiness - more to the point, what exactly is happiness. Of course, most of my table mates had the notion that happiness was the perfect mate, the perfect house etc...

I disagreed.

I think happiness is in the small details of everyday life.

Happiness is finding the perfect eyebrow shape.

Happiness is meeting a cute boy on the street.

Happiness is finding a job that you love.

Happiness is the perfect Cobb salad.

Happiness is a late night phone chat with your best friend.

Happiness is a clean apartment.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

IN PRAISE OF SURGERY



I recently came across these now and then photos of Miss Cybill Shepherd - an actress who has said in numerous interviews that she will never go under the knife.

Well, honey, it's time to reconsider that decision.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

IN HER/HIS SHOES

I came upon a rather heated discussion on a fellow blogger's page.

The topic?

Pro or con: Forced shoe removal upon entering the house of a host.

I say no way.

I mean, shoes are part of your outfit - and I always wear something with a little lift to give me that extra inch.

Also, I don't like walking around in my stocking feet.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

THE LIST

Another piece of the puzzle in the mystery of finding a boyfriend:

I recently read that if you have a “list” of more than 5 no-nos when choosing a mate, the problem is you. I started to think of my no-no list.

1) Not fatties. Yes, I know this is superficial, but I could never date a man with a bad body.
2) No Drag queens. I’m femmy enough; I don’t want to date someone girlier than me.
3) I don’t have an age issue – anyone 25 – 50 is good for me, but they have to have confidence.
4) I’m very open minded with looks – confidence and positive energy can really make a man attractive. I mean, some of the best sex I’ve had were with so-called ugly people.
5) Must be passionate about something in life – work, hobbies, etc.

Ok, I only have five, so why no boyfriend?

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

A COUPLE OF FROGS

People say you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.

Well, in my search for a boyfriend, my lips are quickly turning into lily pads.

Let me explain:

One of the best things about living in Manhattan is the anonymity it gives you. I mean, you rarely see the same person twice. With that in mind, sometimes I like to go out with a new identity. Sometimes I'm Tommy the graduate student, or perhaps Vinny the dermatologist, or other times I'm Johnny from Long Island. Oh, I'm not alone in this charade, before having her baby, my good friend Denise would frequent salsa clubs under the alias of Ramona....perhaps, it's a Manhattan thing.

After one too many vodkas Sunday night, I met a hot couple who wanted to have a three-way. Hmmm... Johnny could handle this one. Yes, Johnny from Long Island would be perfect for this assignment. In the cab to their Washington Heights apartment, the couple barely spoke to me. I mean, I was getting scared - very Silence of the Lambs. Once we arrived, we were greeted at the door by a third roommate.

"Oh, we texted him and he wants to try you out, too."

He was handsome and young, so I thought what the hell. We went to the back bedroom and got it on. Once we were finished, he left the room and said, "I'll send the other two in". Suddenly, I felt like a whore at VIP waiting for client #9. The couple and I had sex, too - one was hot the other not so hot. Afterwards, they barely spoke to me. I guess this couple has a three-way clause - no talking or getting close to the third party. Yes, it was odd - as if they were about to say - "It puts the lotion in the basket." I laughed as I let myself out.

I guess I had a good time, but one thing is for sure: In my search for my prince, there are three less Manhattan frogs to kiss.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

ICONS

You know, I just don't get this gay icon thing.

I was having lunch with "a queen of a certain age", and he talked nonstop of his love for Barbra Streisand and Bette Midler. Now I admit, I love me some early Babs when she had the winged eyeliner and ratted beehive, but once she scrubbed her face and combed out her hair and went down Laura Nyro's Stoney End, I lost interest.

Bette Midler? Her 1971 self-titled album is amazing, but like the first season of Desperate Housewives, it was five years in the making, so it had damn well better had been good. Everything the divine Miss M has produced since has been medicore at best. Okay, a few songs from "The Rose" are pretty decent, too.

My vote for gay icon is Britney Spears - a real mess.

Monday, March 17, 2008

CHEMISTRY 101

Last night, my friend and I were discussing sexual chemistry between two people. I mean, it's something you can't create - it's either there or it isn't, right?

But what happens when that person you have chemistry with has it with other people, too.

Let me explain:

I have a crush on a chickenhead - someone way too young and way too cute. I know he likes me - we've been fuck buddies for months. But I know he's seeing other people. I mean, when he's with me, he can't take his eyes off me, and we can talk endlessly about anything for hours.

But the real question is, how do you take a fuck buddy out of the bedroom and into real life? I mean, it's hard to sex someone up for months on end and not have any feelings for that person.

I guess I'm afraid to make the first move.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

I LOVE THIS!


My friend had this posted on her site, so yes, I stole it, but it's so damn funny.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

A FOOL


If this isn't proof that men think with their dicks, I don't know what is.
What a fool - I mean, did he really think he was going to get away with it?

I guess it's true that power corrupts.

Friday, March 07, 2008

BACK TO SCHOOL


"This is where I first cut myself."
"This is where I found out I was pregnant."

"This is where I found out I had a brain tumor."

And my favorite - "This isn't a high school musical."

For the past few weeks, I have been mesmerized by these haunting commercials advertising WE network's new show "High School Confidential" - a documentary  4-years in the making featuring 12 girls from Kansas.  I mean, I drove my friends batty over the past few weeks with my constant "This is where I sucked my first dick  etc...." jokes about the show.

Well, this week I was lucky enough to meet the girls who were in Manhattan on a media blitz to promote the show.    Fresh from an appearance on "The Tyra Bank's Show", I primped the girls for a Newsweek article. 

Of course, I greeted each girl by her problem, which I have to admit made the Midwestern mothers a little weary of me.

The show starts this Monday on WE.