THE PROBLEM AS I SEE IT

Michael and Farrah - who is going to get the cover of People next week?

That is the real question.

UPTOWN GIRLS

I witnessed the walking dead today.

Let me explain:

I seldom venture above 14th street. Oh, I might occasionally sashay up to 23rd street, but that's it - any further and I need a Valium. Well, today I broke the rules. Seduced with the promise of a swag bag, I traveled to an event at the swanky Henri Bendal store on 57th Street and Fifth Avenue - right across the street from Trump Towers. The event in question was the launch of a skin care line by uber dermatologist to the stars Patricia Wexler.

Now I don't mean to be rude, but this Wexler woman is down right scary looking. I mean, the lady is so thin - but her face is pumped full of filler - that with her orange hair she resembles a pumpkin on a stick. Just looking at her scared me - her tiny wrinkled body with that fat artificial face was horrifying. I mean, this woman could scare small children as well as adults.

But the scariest part of the event was that most of the women at the event looked just like her.

I think Truman Capote summed up these women best - walking social x-rays.

FROM PEREZ

I READ THIS ON PEREZHILTON.COM - IT'S GREAT!

Sarah Palin is sure milking this recent thrust into the damn liberal media for all it's worth. We were just getting used to not hearing from this dummy, and then this mess had to happen.

Palin is making the rounds to all the media outlets who want her to talk about the recent feud between herself and David Letterman. Even though David has apologized for any ill-will, Palin isn't accepting it and continues to rant on and on and on.

She will be appearing on CNN's The Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer today, where she will tell ol' Wolfie that she thinks David's jokes were "you know, pretty perverted."

She continues to vent saying:

"But it goes beyond that. Not just that joke, but this insinuation that it's OK, it's acceptable to talk like that, and then that it's acceptable for the media to not provide the American public, the listeners, the readers, the full context of that joke. Letterman says, now, hey, I wasn't talking about her 14-year old. David, my 14-year-old was there with me at the game. She was the only one there with me. It wasn't my older daughter, who's in college and taking care of her young family. It was my 14-year-old."

We repeat: Get over it! Lighten up! And for goodness sake, go back to Alaska!

We think we can hear some moose you haven't shot at yet!

REALLY?

Does anyone really believe Fergie is only in her early 30's?

WORDS TO LIVE BY

I fly frequently - and I love these tips from flight attendants. I mean, I could have wrote them myself. Copy and paste to your browser:

http://travel.yahoo.com/p-interests-28078669;_ylc=X3oDMTF2YWJnM21wBF9TAzI3MTYxNDkEX3MDMjcxOTQ4MQRzZWMDZnAtdG9kYXltb2QEc2xrA2Fubm95YXR0ZW5kYW50LTYtMi0wOQ--

THE BITCH IS OUT!!!!!

Donald Trump ousts Prejean as Miss California!

I love that headline.  I guess "the Donald" has come to his senses and gave the bigot the boot.

MANHATTAN MOMENTS

You find the most interesting things walking the humble streets of Manhattan.

Let me explain:

The other day I was running out to get my daily infusion of soy latte when I noticed a homeless man perched over a newspaper.  On closer inspection, he was doing the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle - in pen!

Only in New York City.

YUP

Well, it's now official: Adam Lambart has come out of the closet.  Bravo to him for being a role model to young queens everywhere.

HOUSING

I have been out of commission.

Let me explain:

I have been in the process of buying a coop in Manhattan - just a few blocks from my current rent stabilized  apartment in the East Village.  Needless to say, it's a buyer's market - lots of deals.  

I will keep you posted.

I KNEW IT!!!

Adam Lambert and Kris Allen arrive at the American Idol Season 8 Grand Finale held at Nokia Theatre L.A. Live on May 20, 2009 in Los Angeles, CA. Jason Merritt/Getty ImagesUs Magazine

The New York Times is reporting that American Idol's Kris Allenmay have had a little help from AT&T, one of the Fox show's biggest corporate sponsors, in winning this year.

According to the Times, AT&T provided phones for free text-messaging services at two Allen parties in Arkansas on the night of the finals. Citing sources, The Times reports that AT&T reps showed party-goers how to "power text" -- cast 10 votes at the touch of a button -- which violates show rules.

Check out 20 unforgettable moments from the Idol finale

Power texts, according to the Times, "have an exponentially greater effect on voting than do single text messages or calls to the shows toll-free phone lines." 

No similar efforts appear to have been made to provide free texting services to Adam Lambert fans.

SHAME ON CALIFORNIA

I'm ashamed to live America today.  

The California Supreme Court ruled that the ban on gay marriage will remain intact.  In other words, being a bigot is fine and dandy in the land of red, white and blue.

If it were left to the "will of the people", women would not have the right to vote, blacks would not be allowed to vote or even attend schools, and in fact, might still be slaves.  All rights that have been given to minorities have come via the court - NEVER the "will of the people."

As Thomas Jefferson said.."The majority should NEVER have voting rights against the minority."

No truer words have ever been spoken.

SATURDAYS IN THE CITY

You know, I really hate straight people - I really do.

I mean, it's bad enough that they hold the cards in the gay marriage battle, but must they also be so fucking fat and tacky?  I mean, how hard is it to push yourself away from the buffet table and get on the treadmill?  Or how hard is it to buy clothes made of natural fabrics that don't look like they belong on a golf course?

And don't get be started on their damn kids.  Why is it noone smacks their brats anymore?  In my day, if I acted up, my mother gave me a back handed slap.  I mean, kids need to learn right and wrong and that there are consequences when you break the rules.  I am so sick of mother's trying to rationalize with screaming three-year-olds at Duane Reade - kids that age respond to a slap, not a time-out.

I just don't understand how these morons rule the world.

HORRIBLE

I just can't believe it.

Last night on Idol that little unforgettable wimp Kris ( I don't even remember his last name) won.  I mean, how fucked up is that?  Adam Lambert was the clear winner.  I guess America is more white bread than I care to think.

HONEY, IT'S BOTOX NOT GRAPES

MISTER MAKEUP

MY BUDDY MISTER MAKEUP IS AT IT AGAIN.  READ HIS TIPS ON HOW TO BE A BRONZE BABY THIS SUMMER.  www.celebrityeverything.com

BITCH

Okay, so the bigot can keep her Miss California crown.

I guess it's okay to pose nude so guys can jack off to your pictures, but it's not okay for gays to get married.

More hypocrisy from the stupid blonde that preaches her love of God and morals.

DICK IN YOUR MOUTH

Does anyone care about Dick Cheney anymore?  

Bush's number 1 butt boy is all over the news slamming the Obama administration on national security.  He's also touting the success of torture, torture and more torture.  Seriously, what does this old oaf know about war, prisoners or torture?  I mean, he never went to war -  he had his Vietnam tour of duty deferred five times - yes, five times!!  

In other word, he's a big pussy.

I love Wanda Sykes' joke about Cheney...."I tell my kids that if two cars pull up, and one is Cheney and the other is a stranger, jump into the stranger's car."

GO WANDA GO

I don't care what anyone says - I thought Wanda Sykes was hysterical at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

So the fuck what if she made some tasteless jokes about Rush Limbaugh. I mean, she's a comedienne.  

PS - I agree with Wanda 100 percent - Rush needs to be waterboarded.

FIRST LADY

Okay, I love Michelle Obama.

But the best first lady ever?

That's what Oprah - "I picked our president" Winfrey seems to think. I'm sorry, but what has Mrs. Obama done other than show off her buff arms in sleeveless tops?

Don't get me wrong, she might turn out to be the best first lady ever, but for now, let's give that honor to Eleanor Roosevelt or Betty Ford or Hillary Clinton.

MADONNA MADNESS

Why does Madonna continue to think she is 21?

I mean, she wore this Louis Vuitton ensemble to Monday night's opening of the Met's Model As Muse Show, which by the way is fabulous.

Doesn't she look ridiculous?

Grow up.