Sunday, January 07, 2007

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

You know, I think a little anorexia is a good thing. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating a full-on Nicole Richie, but just an occasional calorie cutback. I mean, the holiday parties were stocked with cookies, eggnogs and cheeses. I ask you: With such caloric catastrophes thrust upon us, how are we supposed to maintain our Manhattan thinness?

Now please don’t get this confused with Bulimia – that my dear is disgusting. Not only does it leave you with horrendous breath, but totally smears a well-constructed lip line.

Say you’re invited to a big bash loaded with goodies. Well, do what I do….have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and not a morsel more until the party. If you get hungry, have a large plain Starbucks with soymilk. Afterwards, if those Prada trousers are a tad too tight, eat nothing but broccoli and carrots for a few days. And NO cigarettes - I don’t know what’s more disgusting – being fat or smoking cigarettes.

To maintain your figure, nothing works better than weighing yourself four times a day. I personally jump on the scale first thing in the morning. If I’m a pound or two down, I scream for joy because I know it’s going to be a nachos day; if I’m a pound or two up, I grimace and starve. Trust me, if you don’t watch it, those five extra pounds multiple into ten and ten to twenty and so on and so on until you’re shopping at Lane Bryant for a neon blue bullet-proof polyester smock top. Not pretty.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

how dull you become!

mistermakeup said...

Love your grammer.

Anonymous said...

1st comment sounds like the whine of a fatty.

go and stuff your face with our skinny compliments!

Anonymous said...

After 20 years, I would have thought you really would have grown up! I mean, how old are you anyway (and I know you'll never tell!), but the point is that you are old enough to know better!

mistermakeup said...

What am I old enough to "know better"? I don't understand. Sounds like a fatty to me.

Anonymous said...

WE PRAY FOR FAGS LIKE YOU!

mistermakeup said...

Can't you come up with something more original than that?

Anonymous said...

Evil is as Evil does.

mistermakeup said...

How profound! You must have gone to college.

Anonymous said...

witty and hysterical responses to crazy anonymous posts.

deadpan is your strong suit for sure

Anonymous said...

I think all you Anonymous people should come out and let everyone know who you are.Quit hiding.Julie

Anonymous said...

I think the "how dull you become" post is clearly from a retarded asian. just a stab in the dark, going off the grammar.

Anonymous said...

I think MM is clearly close to 60.

trish said...

wow mistermakeup, you take a lot of crap for your opinions from the anonymous set!

I am pretty thin but to some I may have too much butt or thigh or whatever..i think it's a matter of what you want to see or find appealing but I am my biggest critic. Just stay as perfect as possible for your significant other or yourself for that matter! =)

Anonymous said...

Id say closer to 65!

mistermakeup said...

Oh, let's just say I'm 70 and ready for medicare.