Everyone thinks my life is one big bowl of glamour. What with celebrities, models, travel and free lunches, sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn’t, and sometimes I wish I sat in a cubicle all day. As the old saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side of the septic tank. Let me share with you a story that should put an end to all of you wishing for a life in the land of powder and paint.
Sit back, my darlings, and enjoy my misery.
I was booked for a two-day shoot in the Catskill Mountains at Kate – the B- 52’s - Pierson’s retro campy motor lodge. I have always been a huge fan of the B-52's, so I was overjoyed by the thought of doing the rock lobster with a punk legend. I was told there would be 10 models that would require “light” touch-ups. Ok, 10 models, not sounding so good, but ever the trooper, I thought it was a small price to pay for a chance to dance with Kate in the Catskills.
The next morning, I found 10 of the mangiest looking models I have ever seen. I mean, I have seen prettier faces coming out of the crystal meth clinic on Avenue A. Turns out, they were from a modeling school in Queens. And these kids were not only ugly, but covered in acne and cursed with heads of frizzed out mops resembling pubic hair - so much for "light" touch-ups! Truely, Helen Keller would have ran screaming from this bunch.
With my head in my hands contemplating my beauty fate, I was introduced to the producer of the job. As I looked up, the butchest dyke this side of Rosie O greeted me. Now, I’m sorry, but I just don’t like bulldog dykes. Try as I might to like my saphoric sisters, I just can’t comprehend why they run around sans concealer while mimicking Vin Diesel. Furthermore, why do they constantly have to prove that they are the alpha dogs - sister, you have a pussy, and penis trumps pussy any day of the week, so get over it.
Ok, back to the story at hand.
Bulldog ordered everyone onto the vans and off we went. After about an hour of driving, one of the girls asked to use a restroom. I could see a McDonald’s about a mile or so down the road, but no, Bulldog pulled her van to the side and motioned to the other van to form a V on the road. I had no idea what was going on – that is, until I heard Bulldog order the girls to squat behind one of the vans. Next, she ordered the boys to the other side of the van.
Was this really happening? Yes, it was – we were being forced to use the side of the road as our latrine. (Stay tuned for Part 2)