SHE AIN'T HEAVY, SHE'S MY SISTER

I hopped on the scale today and I was up two pounds.

Yikes!

The reason?

I had a friend in town this past weekend and we ate like pigs - pizza, nachos, cheesecake - nothing was off limits. My friend is a "vegan", and yes, the type of "vegan" who sports plastic boots, so our first stop was a trendy "raw" restaurant; and I have to admit the food was pretty tasty. I mean, who knew nachos could be served raw.

Next stop was a southern style restaurant. As my "vegan" friend scanned the meat and cheese heavy menu, she casually winked that perhaps she could relax her "vegan" ways "just for this weekend."

Well, before I could say meatloaf, she had ordered the BBQ ribs and was busy chewing the meat off the bone. I guess she left her PETA card at home, because from then on it was nothing but eggs, cheese, dairy and more meat. Oh, and a late night visit to Veniero's for cheesecake, canolis and eclairs.

So for the next few days it's going to be broccoli and carrots for me.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

You know, I think a little anorexia is a good thing. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating a full-on Nicole Richie, but just an occasional calorie cutback. I mean, the holiday parties were stocked with cookies, eggnogs and cheeses. I ask you: With such caloric catastrophes thrust upon us, how are we supposed to maintain our Manhattan thinness?

Now please don’t get this confused with Bulimia – that my dear is disgusting. Not only does it leave you with horrendous breath, but totally smears a well-constructed lip line.

Say you’re invited to a big bash loaded with goodies. Well, do what I do….have a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast and not a morsel more until the party. If you get hungry, have a large plain Starbucks with soymilk. Afterwards, if those Prada trousers are a tad too tight, eat nothing but broccoli and carrots for a few days. And NO cigarettes - I don’t know what’s more disgusting – being fat or smoking cigarettes.

To maintain your figure, nothing works better than weighing yourself four times a day. I personally jump on the scale first thing in the morning. If I’m a pound or two down, I scream for joy because I know it’s going to be a nachos day; if I’m a pound or two up, I grimace and starve. Trust me, if you don’t watch it, those five extra pounds multiple into ten and ten to twenty and so on and so on until you’re shopping at Lane Bryant for a neon blue bullet-proof polyester smock top. Not pretty.

TOWELHEAD NATION

The uppity towelheads are at it again.

As I was leaving to return to NYC, I read in the newspaper that Minneapolis Muslim cab drivers are refusing to pick-up anyone carrying liquer or anyone with a service dog - that means a blind person with a life-saving dog. So far this idiocy has left over 100 people stranded at the airport. I mean, this is crazy. Muslim spokespeople claim liquer and dog saliva are against their religion. Bullshit, if these towelheads want to live in America, they have to bend to our way of thinking or get the FUCK out of the cab business.

DAY OFF?

I really hate George Bush.

I've always despised him because of the war, the lies and hypocritical Christian right bullshit , but what really pisses me off is his giving government workers the day off yesterday. I mean, I went to the post office today and the lines were out the door and I had to wait 45 minutes.

Please, why do government workers get a holiday for some dead lame president when the rest of us continue working?

Furthermore, it sets things back for weeks. The counter clerk at my post office told me it would take days to catch up. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

And what really pissed me off is just when it was almost my turn, some obese old guy with a cane came hobbling in with bags and bags of packages. Of course, the "Minnesota Nice" woman in front of me ushered him to the front of the line. Well, the old fuck didn't fill out any slips etc...and we all had to wait there for an additional 20 minutes while he gabbed and chatted and filled out his forms. He kept complaining that his hip hurt. I came so close to screaming..."If you lost 50 pounds your hip probably wouldn't hurt and you could throw away the cane."

Yes, I hate fat people and George Bush.

How was your day?

MINNE-NOPLACE.

I have finally figured out what the problem is with Minneapolis. The city has all the major headaches of a big city - extreme crime, huge traffic jams etc...- but none of the benefits. No style, No culture, No restaurants - NOTHING.

CHILD SOUP - HOLD THE SALT

I think the witch in Hansel and Gretel had the right idea.

I truly believe children - and especially screaming babies - do not belong in civil society. Breeders today think nothing of changing shitty diapers in public or hauling out their saggy ugly breasts to nurse. I’m sorry, but I don’t need to look at those things.

I think children should be taken to the Midwest and not allowed into malls, airports, movies or other public places until they are 16. You know, maybe put them in Kansas – I mean, who lives there anyways? Give them a good education and firm discipline – think of it like a 16-year boarding school.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

I worked on an editorial a few weeks back and I think this image turned out fabulous. Enjoy the holidays.

YOU GO GIRL - PART 2

Poor old hair challenged Donald Trump.

Today he’s all over the news attacking Rosie O’Donnell because of her views about him on The View. I mean, Mr. Trump is such a cad. After Rosie's many valid points, the Donald could only come up with rebuttals such as…”She’s ugly" or "She’s an evil slob" or "Rosie’s fat and unattractive.”

Grow up, Donald; if anyone’s evil, it’s you. Rosie has donated and raised millions of dollars for charities – what have you done? Oh, yeah, publicly cheated on both of your wives and bankrupted yourself many times over …somehow I agree with Rosie that you should not be the “moral compass” for Miss USA.

To see all the action, copy this URL to your browser to see the entire recap.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=bZui6qeN1ZQ

YOU GO GIRL

I love me some Rosie O’Donnell. With her “every woman” candid charm, she has put The View back on top. I mean, she says exactly what the majority of us are thinking. I mean, on today’s show she ranted about Donald Trump and the stupidity of the Miss USA pageant.

But what I like best about Rosie is that she isn’t beating anyone over the head with her sexuality. Yeah, she mentions it, but always in a subtle way, thus, showing the world that gay folks are pretty much the same as str8 folks.

Bravo Rosie.

WISH LIST

The holidays are almost upon us; and with so much sorrow in the world - not to mention the comments on my blog - I thought I would gift my faithful readers with my THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY list.

1) Nicole Richie. I just love her – and I don’t think she is too thin.

2) Whole-wheat donuts from the Cupcake Café in Manhattan. Forget Sex and the City’s tired Magnolia, this is the cupcake emporium that started it all. And, honey, these things are good – and good for you!

3) Liposuction. If you have a few extra pesky pounds that won’t respond to exercise, get some lipo. I swear, it’s the best procedure – besides botox – in the world.

4) New underwear, socks and t-shirts. I replace the whole lot every few months. I mean, it just feels divine putting fresh undergarments on.

5) Lip liner. How did we ever live without it? Girls, boys, trannies, it just does a mouth good.

6) Hot men at the gym. OK, most are unattainable or straight, but I can look, fantasize and drool, right?

7) Nachos from Round the Clock. I know my friend Terri says the place is full of college brats, but the nachos are homemade and loaded with good cheese and guacamole.

8) Andy Warhol. Yes, he’s dead, but they have a ton of cute Warholesque items at Urban Outfitters. Sadly, I think Factory Girl is gonna be a big bomb.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Well, it’s Christmas, so it’s the perfect time for my semi-annual THINGS I HATE list.

1) You know what really bugs me? Fat people eating junk food – chips, cookies, candy bars etc...I mean, don’t they have mirrors? It’s disgusting.

2) Fat people waiting for elevators when the stairs are in plain view. Honey, there is a reason you are fat – get off your ass and start moving. And while I’m on the subject, I despise people that ride the elevator for just one floor.

3) People who answer the cell phone no matter what. I mean, I’ve seen folks scrambling, sweating and panicking to find that ringing idiot box? God forbid you should lose a call. One would think it was the president or the pope calling. After all the whoopla, it’s usually…“Yes, honey, I will bring home a gallon of milk.”

4) People who walk slow. I’m not talking about old folks; I’m talking about young people – usually fat – taking their damn sweet time. Hate it.

5) Coach purses. Every gal in the Midwest seems to think that carrying a Coach purse is the ticket to class. Sorry, but in Manhattan anyone who's anyone knows only secretaries and suburban moms carry Coach bags. You want class? Try a Marc Jacobs bag.

6) Bad blonde highlights. If you can’t afford a trip to the salon, leave your hair alone. I mean, nothing is worse than seeing orange stripes or chunks of yellow on dark hair. Low rent, honey, very low rent. Furthermore, why do all the women in the Midwest sport lesbian-style short haircuts? No wonder every married man I know is cheating on his wife.

7) Talking in movies. With the price of a movie ticket hovering around $10, nothing makes me madder than talking in the cinema. I support carrying firearms on this matter.

8) Starbucks. Why are there always 40 people in line and four cash registers BUT only one person taking orders? Piss poor management.

9) Kohl’s Department Stores. I swear, I have never in my life been in a tackier department store.

10) Big SUV’s. With gas prices so high, why oh why do city folk need these gas-guzzlers? And have you noticed it’s always ugly men driving them? I bet these men suffer from small dick syndrome.

SHOPPING

Well, I am in Minneapolis for a few days and I'm planning a trip to the Mall of America. Let's hope I can find an article of clothing in small or medium in the land of jumbo and extra jumbo.

MEMORIES

The other day, over grapefruit martinis, my friends and I were swapping stories about attending catholic schools. As can be expected, the stories were filled with molestation. Although the priest at my parish was boy crazy, I was not molested; I guess that was the start of my insecurity.

I do have fond memories of Sister Mary Guisey: A butch lesbian with a crew cut and a fire hydrant figure. In retrospect, I'm amazed that the Catholic Church would allow such a blatantly gay woman in the classroom...…well, on second thought, maybe it's not that odd.

Sister Guisey was hired to teach math, but she would spend hours entertaining the class with stories of fending off switchblade wielding students at her former grade school in St. Paul. I loved her tales of pre-teen gang warfare, but now that I look back, this was the cornfield, not the south side of Chicago, and her stories were pure fiction. She was fired for putting Jim Charbeneux - the class clown - in a half nelson when he pulled a piece of Juicy Fruit from his pocket. Sister Guisey swore he was reaching for a switchblade.

Later, I heard Sister Guisey left the nunnery and was tending bar at a local gay bar.

PROGRESS?

I recently worked on a Sear’s Television commercial for the gay network LOGO. The location was the home of two super successful men in gay friendly Asbury Park. In the holiday themed commercial, the happy couple is shown entertaining a group of friends that included a pair of lipstick lesbians and a gay dad accessorized with a foreign baby.

Although I say “Bravo” to Sears for realizing that gay people in 2006 are just as boring as straight people, I do wonder if all this homo homogenization is a good thing.

I mean, I’m old enough to remember when the only gay people I knew were florists, actors, hairdressers and other assorted fabulous freaks that were loud and proud long before rainbow flags became the norm in corporate America. I remember when gay bars were elite underground establishments with secret side doors that housed the most interesting people on the planet. Sadly, it seems this fabulous and bright gay gene pool has now been watered down with gay lawyers, doctors and accountants.

Yes, I’m smart enough to realize that a Sear’s LOGO commercial is good for the progress of the gay community, but I ask you: Is progress always a good thing?

IS THAT YOU ALLY?

Last night after Desperate Housewives, which thankfully has it's mojo back after a disastrous second season, I watched ABC's new drama, Brothers and Sisters. I thought the show was just so-so, but it has potential. I mean, with a cast including Sally Field and Rachel Griffiths, how bad can it be, right?

Anyways, half way through the show, Calista Flockhart appeared on the screen. Although horribly miscast as an Ann Coulter-ish republican television personality, the real problem with Miss Mcbeal is her face. Pulled, stretched, frozen with Botox and filled to capacity with filler, she resembled a startled chipmunk. I mean, odd is the perfect word to describe her appearance.

Now I'm well aware that Hollyweird is constructed of smoke and mirrors; and celebrities have an army of "yes" people telling them they look amazing, but don't they themselves own mirrors?

POST IT

Ya gotta love the New York Post.

OK, we all know that the Post is nothing more than a bullshit republican propaganda rag, but as the above headline proves, sometimes they do get it right.

RAY OF HATE

Is it just me, or does anyone else hate Rachel Ray? I mean, I want to smack that perky and phoney smile right off her fat face.

And quite honestly, someone so short and squat shouldn't wear jeans.

BOB THE BAD HAIRCUT

I'm still in Minneapolis - the land that style forgot.

Why is it every woman in Minnesota has a "bob" haircut? I mean, I haven't seen this haircut in Manhattan in 15 years. And if a Minnesota woman doesn't have a "bob", it's a short lesbian-style haircut with bad blonde highlights.

I pity the str8 men in Minneapolis.

PLAYING IT SAFE

I arrived in Minneapolis the night six Arabs were escorted off a US AIR jet in handcuffs. Apparently, a passenger witnessed the men praying to Allah, as well as cursing America and it's involvement with Iraq; the men also sat in suspicious groups of two on the plane.

The men were questioned, searched and deemed safe. Of course, the men are now playing the victim card and talking lawsuits with several prominent lawyers.

I'm sorry, but If I saw a group of towelheads chanting, moaning and cursing America, I'd damn well alert airport security, too. I say "Bravo" to whomever turned these men in. I witnessed 9/11 firsthand, and I am fully aware what these people are capable of.

I mean, when is America going to wise up and understand that profiling is not a bad thing? If that plane would have exploded in mid-air amidst chants to Allah, everyone in America would have said..."Why didn't anyone say something?"

STUPIDITY

I hate stupid people.

Let me explain:

I was going through security at JFK when the line grounded to a halt due to the woman in front of me and her hidden bottle of Snapple. The “don’t mess with me” black security woman, who was featuring amazing neon blue eye shadow, tried to remove the bottle from the woman's fake Gucci handbag, but the woman resisted.

“Oh, no, I’m going to drink that.”

“Mame, there are signs everywhere stating that you can’t bring liquids beyond this point.”

“I will drink in now.”

And so, right there at the security kiosk, this stupid woman leisurely opened her Snapple as if she were at a bar or cocktail party. New Yorker that I am, I looked the stupid woman in the eye and informed her that she was holding up the line.

“How dare you talk to me like that,” she said as she casually sipped her Snapple.

“Listen lady, this is not cocktail hour and people have planes to catch.”

“He’s right,” the security woman agreed. “Give me that bottle or I’m calling for backup.”

As the line began to move again, the stupid woman looked at me and inquired: “What country are you from?”

OK, I wasn’t going to there, but since she brought it up…..

“I’m from America, the best country in the world you stupid Arab foreign fuck.”

The people behind me started applauding. I turned around and did a little curtsy.

Like I said, I hate stupid people.