MINNEAPOLIS

You know, this fat thing is getting out of hand.

Let me explain:

I was in Minneapolis this past week and I was shocked at how many more fat people I saw. Now Minnesota is well known as the land of 10,000 fatties, but this trip the mirth and girth was out of control. I mean, everywhere I went I saw fatties so fat they had to use scooters, walkers or wheelchairs to maneuver about.

I'm sorry, but if you're so fat that you can't even walk on your own, it's time to put down the fork.

MANHATTAN MOMENTS

The glorious thing about Manhattan is that you never know how your day is going to end up. I mean, the possibilities are endless.

Let me explain:

I woke up hung over – last night my friend took me to an advance screening of Mamma Mia, which is not only fabulous, it’s fagulous. The after party was at some smarmy, but chic lounge on the lower east side. More importantly, the drinks and food were free. Since the economy is in the toilet, and pennies are tight, I decided to drink up. At 3 am, I walked – or stumbled – up Avenue A to my apartment. The entire evening: $4.

I had planned to spend the day in bed watching reruns of Project Runway when the phone rang.

It was the Israeli.

He wanted to come over for a visit.

I looked in the mirror.

Not pretty.

Give me an hour, I said as I reached for the concealer.

After a quick 90-minute love session, the Israeli was out the door.

As I lounged like a kitten in our sex sheets, the phone rang. It was Ken, an elderly South African diplomat that I had not heard from in months. He needed a date to a dinner party. With Ken, I never spend a dime, and so what if payment is his wrinkly hand giving me a hand job at evening’s end.

I tossed on a slim black t-shirt with some Prada pants and accessorized myself with a drum of Ivory Bisque concealer. Ken took me to an amazing dinner party at the United Nations. He kept commenting on my glowing skin - I did not tell him 45 minutes earlier I had been rolling in the hay. The other diners included various Broadway producers, diplomats and bankers - all very interesting. One savvy woman whispered to me on the balcony – “I know you look young, but I can tell by your conversation that you’re much older.” She winked at me and smiled.

Back at Ken’s Tudor City apartment, he served me a big glass of champagne. I saw him reach for the Kiehl's Extra Creamy hand lotion and I knew it was time to pay my bill. I leaned back in his authentic Barcelona chair and marveled at his spectacular view of the Chrysler Building. I fantasized about the Israeli and my payment came very quick.

MUSLIMS

This is why it is so fucked up to insinuate Obama is a Muslim...because the majority of Muslims are insane.

Oh, I sound a bit harsh? You bet.

Take what happened today in the middle east: Israel exchanged a killer that murdered numerous people - including a child and her father -for the bodies of two slain servicemen.

What do the crazy Muslims do in Lebanon? They throw a party in honor of the murderer and proclaim him a national hero.

That honey, is how fucked up Muslims are.

NASTY POLITICS

The current New Yorker Magazine cover is disgusting. I mean, does anyone other than a Republican think this is funny?

Mark my words, the Republicans play dirty, and they will be pushing the Muslim envelope big time as the race heats up. Much like Bush cronies did in the 2000 Republican primaries (making phone calls to Republicans insinuating that old daddy McCain had a black child), McCain cronies will be making similar phone calls to Democrats insinuating Obama is a Muslim.

Let's hope Obama doesn't get sunk by this swift boat.

PANDERING TO THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT

McCain’s extremist opposition to gay adoption is not only stupid, but lacks scientific backing.

In a revealing interview with the New York Times, Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) — an adoptive parent himself — declared that he opposed the right of gay couples to adopt children, even if it meant leaving children in orphanages:

Q: President Bush believes that gay couples should not be permitted to adopt children. Do you agree with that?

Mr. McCain: I think that we’ve proven that both parents are important in the success of a family so, no I don’t believe in gay adoption.

Q: Even if the alternative is the kid staying in an orphanage, or not having parents.

Mr. McCain: I encourage adoption and I encourage the opportunities for people to adopt children I encourage the process being less complicated so they can adopt as quickly as possible. And Cindy and I are proud of being adoptive parents.

Q: But your concern would be that the couple should a traditional couple —

Mr. McCain: Yes.

So old daddy McCain would rather see children waste away in orphanages and foster care than be adopted by loving parents - even after study after study confirms that children raised with gay parents are NO different than those raised with straight parents.

What an asshole.

DIGITAL DIET

Is this really Jennifer Hudson?

Either she is about to check into the anorexia wing of the Nicole Richie Hospital , or this picture has been photoshopped to death.

I mean, thin is always "in", but I kinda liked Miss Effie White big-boned.

HEART ATTACK

I'm having a Heart moment.

I hated these girls in the 1980's, but lately, their sappy metal power ballads - "Alone", "What About Love" and "These Dreams" - are making me smile. I also adore watching their dreadful videos on youtube. I mean, was their wardrobe, hair and makeup team on crack? I've never seen so much eyeliner, purple hair, leopard print and lace outfits in my entire life - not even in a Cher video!

I also love how the director is forever trying to shield the obesity of lead singer Ann Wilson. In one video, she was only seen in a cropped - no chins - face shot in a video screen next to the stage. In another video, a wide-angle lens is used to stretch her body; and in yet another attempt, the hairstylist glued her long hair extensions to her chubby cheeks to minimize the width of her wide face. If all else failed, the director would blur her out with artful dark lighting or use a body double. And if the group was ever shown on stage, it was from far, far away and Ann was dressed in a head-to-toe black coat.

Of course, Ann's vocally challenged - but thin and blond - sister, is all over the videos in skimpy outfits pretending to sing.

I've read that the sisters' hated making these videos - and I don't blame them, but they are my new guilty pleasures.

COFFEE BREAK

You know, I need to stay out of Starbucks.

Let me explain:

I don't understand why a person would wait 10 minutes in a line of 20 people and not have your order ready and your money out. Today, some twat in front of me stood for 10 minutes, and when it was her turn to order, didn't know what she wanted....furthermore, she had to fiddle around in her obvious fake Coach bag for her money.

Well, I had had enough.

"Don't you think you could have figured all this out while you waited 10 minutes in the line - you are making everyone wait."

She looked at me with evil in her Jersey eyes ..."I don't think it's any of your business."

Thank goodness for New Yorkers...three people behind me screamed at her to hurry the hell up.

As she picked up her coffee, a black woman yelled at her...."And you ain't fooling anyone with that fake Coach bag either."

Only in New York, kids, only in New York.

ROT IN HELL

The wicked witch of the south is dead. I hope the munchkins are singing and dancing – because I certainly am.

Patron saint of hate, Jesse Helms, passed away on July 4th and I couldn’t be happier.

This man proudly proclaimed himself a bigot of both blacks and gays and fought against their civil rights his entire life. What’s frightening is this man spewed his hate while he was a United States Senator for over 25 years!!

Here are a few direct quotes from him and examples of his handiwork:

"The Negro cannot count forever on the kind of restraint that's thus far left him free to clog the streets, disrupt traffic, and interfere with other men's rights."

The University of North Carolina was "the University of Negroes and Communists."

"There is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy."

Homosexuality is "degenerate," and homosexuals "weak, morally sick wretches."

In 1993 sang "Dixie" in an elevator to Carol Moseley-Braun, the first African-American woman elected to the Senate, bragging, "I'm going to make her cry. I'm going to sing Dixie until she cries."

More recently, when a caller to CNN's Larry King Live show praised guest Jesse Helms for "everything you've done to help keep down the niggers," Helms' response was to salute the camera and say, "Well, thank you, I think."

Helms would win election against black opponent Harvey Gantt with an ad playing to racist white fear-- the so-called "white hands" ad, in which a white man's hands crumple a rejected job application while a voiceover intones, "You needed that job…but they had to give it to a minority."

With his passing, it’s another nail in the coffin for “old white man” politics.

Rot in hell

GAY PRIDE

It was gay pride in Manhattan this past weekend.

I started the festivities at an awful party. John Cameron Mitchell - of Hedwig and Shortbus movie fame - was hosting a “Judy Garland” soirée in the West Village. I’ve never been a fan of Miss Judy – and I once painted her daughter Lorna Loft, who was quite nice until I mentioned her sister Liza, but hey, that’s another story. I love John, so I thought I might meet some interesting queens.

Boy, was I wrong.

The bar was filled with pretentious artist wannabees – the kind whom take themselves sooooooo fucking seriously. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a pretentious fag, but they must be a pretentious fag with a sense of drama and humor– these fags were dull as dirt. Furthermore, there wasn’t an attractive man in the bunch. I mean, I hate going somewhere where you don’t find anyone interesting or anyone you want to fuck – now that sucks.

Saturday I went to Nowhere Bar – my usual Saturday night hangout. My buddy is the DJ, so I Black Bitch it up for free. The theme was double-headed disco, and the place was packed. Of course, nights like this – gay holidays – bring out the nuts. As I danced to Cheryl Lynn’s Got To Be Real, I met Don – a 50-year-old lawyer. He was high as a kite on X, and had a slight odor of BO, but I was hungry for attention, so I let him buy me a drink. After that, he wouldn’t leave me alone. Okay, he kept telling me I looked 25 - and he gave me a twenty-dollar bill to kiss him on the cheek. And yes, I took the dough; I have Botox to pay for. I guess my friends are right: I am a whore.

On Sunday, I went to the parade to watch my Israeli march in the Pride Israel contingent – he was shirtless and looked hot. He waved at me while he carried his flag. Sappy for an old broad like me, but I blushed like an innocent schoolgirl. What can I say; I’m a sucker for a man with an accent. We made plans for the following night.

Now that, honey, is pride.

LIVING LOHAN

I swear, I wasn't going to watch this show, but with nothing on the boob tube this summer, I don't have much of a choice. And, no, I wasn't about to read a book - although I can't wait for the Madonna tell-all in a few weeks.  

As for the Lohan's, who knew that a 14-year-old from Long Island had such a hip-hop soul?

Of course, I'm joking, but this show is a train wreck you can't take your eyes off. The basis of the show is mother Dina attempting to turn her youngest daughter Ali - an ugly version of sister Lindsey - into a singing sensation.

Mother Dina looks fabulous. I mean, with her bleached hair extensions, skinny jeans and that blank Botoxed expression, she's a priceless example of stage mothers gone wrong. At any moment I expect her to scream out: “Sing out June, Sing out!”

Hey, lightning struck twice with the Simpson sisters, so maybe little Ali has a chance, but I’m not holding my breath.

AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Of course, Tyra's sappy show has yet to create a supermodel, but I did recently work my magic on season three winner Naima.  

I think I made her look like a supermodel, don't ya think?

The 99 CENTS STORE

I had a good laugh today.  I was picking up some paper towels and Ajax at Jack's 99 cents store when I came across frozen fish (tripoli and salmon) in the freezer section.  I mean, you're taking your life - not to mention your stomach - into your own hands when you buy fish at the 99 cents store.

ANNIE GET YOUR GUN

In a landmark ruling on personal gun ownership, the U.S. Supreme Court declared a Washington, D.C. handgun  ban unconstitutional. 

Of course, Bush and old daddy McCain championed the decision.  

Obama did not.  

I ask you:  Why do people need to own guns?  It's a 100% fact that countries (Denmark, Sweden) that have strict gun control laws have dramatically less crime.  

America's gun obsession has lead to school killings,  drive-by shootings, domestic violence, suicides and other assorted killings.   

One loony man on CNN said:  "Now I can protect my family."  Protect your family from what?  I mean, is this the wild west where disputes are settled on the streets?

I'm sorry, but guns have one purpose: to kill or injure human beings. 

THE REAL THING

After my tranny date on Friday, I had me a hungry hankering for some penis. Yes, I said it - I wanted me some bonafide penis.

And I got it.

I met the man of my dreams - a hot Israeli with a filthy mind and a hot body -  and he was as sweet as cherry pie.  I mean, he even texted me after he sexed me to say he had a good time - and he signed it with xxxooo.  

Oh, romance in the year 2008 on the ultimate island of lost souls: Manhattan.

HANES FOR HER

What a weekend! Drama with a capital D.

Let me explain:

Friday night I had my date with my tranny man. We went to see “Sex and the City” - and I have to admit Josh (that’s his/her name) looked pretty damn hot waiting out front with his shaved head and tattoos. I swear, I couldn’t tell one iota he was packing a pussy in his panties.

After the movie, Josh walked me home. As we approached my block in the East Village, we discovered a movie being filmed with Julianne Moore – only in Manhattan do you stumble upon a movie star while on a date with a tranny.

At my door, Josh grabbed and kissed me.

At first, I liked his aggressiveness, and I have to admit the kiss was nice. Unfortunately, my smutty instincts took over and I started to run my hand southward to sample the merch.

That’s when it hit me.

Stop – don’t go there my brain screamed.

I guess it was the testosterone injections, because the more I said no, the more aggressive he became. I mean, I was like a school girl swatting his hands away as he groped me on the street. I wanted to yell Jessica Tandy's famous line from Fried Green Tomatoes – “Honey, just how many of those hormones are you taking?”

I mean, I’ve performed just about every perverted sexual act known to mankind on east 12th street, but I wasn’t about to add tranny rape to the list.

As I pushed him away, he asked me what was wrong. I told him I just couldn’t get past the pussy thing. He said that shouldn’t matter if two people find each other attractive. Maybe there is some truth there, but I’m just not that enlightened. I guess I’m old fashioned – I like a man with a penis.

I went upstairs alone.

The next day I received a text message informing me that I was very small minded.

MY MAN

Okay, tonight is the night - my date with my tranny - and I am a bit worried.

Via the internet (Thank God for the internet) I found that the proper term is: Transman.

I can hear it now..."Mother, this is my date...the transman." Sounds like a superhero (ine), doesn't it?

What I don't know is if my transman has a vagina or a makeshift penis; and to be honest, I don't want to find out.

What I don't understand is this: If a woman thinks she was born a man, and goes through hormones etc..why would she be attracted to a gay man? I mean, wouldn't she be attracted to a woman?

Life on the island of Manhattan: Why is it so confusing?

GENUINE GENDER

I was out drinking last night.  

Oh, not that much, but a  few Black Bitches (vodka/Diet Coke) to wet the whistle and loosen the inhibitions.

I wasn't looking for love, but the bartender kept staring at me - he was cute in a "bearish" type of way - you know, tattoos, hairy and beefy.  He wasn't my type, but he kept my glass full and my face smiling with his jokes.

Later, he asked me out - but he had to tell me something:  He was transgendered.  

Transgendered?  I was shocked. The man was butcher than anyone in the neighborhood...well, I guess that wasn't saying much since it was Chelsea.  

Many of my friends are trannies, and I love them all, but a man with a vagina?  I mean, my life is confusing enough.

In the end, I gave him my number - we are going to the movies on Friday.

PISSED OFF

You know what really pisses me off?  

Women (it's never men) customers at Starbucks that wait 20 minutes in line only to reach the counter without their money in hand.   These bitches make everyone wait while they search their purses for their billfold and then search for that 13 cents so they won't have to break a bill.  On top of this, these stupid women have to repack their purses while everyone is waiting.  

I hate them.

DON'T MESS WITH A QUEEN

It's official: Madonna's bitchy brother Christopher has written a nasty tell-all book called "Life with my Sister" - detailing his many years as his sister's tag-a-long sidekick. Apparently, the book is filled to the gills with details of lady Madge's saucy shenanigans - and I hear Mrs. Ritchie is none too happy about this.

Well, what did she expect?

I mean, everyone knows that brother and sister were thick as thieves in Madonna's hey-day, but she turned her back on him when she married Guy Ritchie - apparently Guy Ritchie cannot stand swishy queens, so Christopher (as well as most of Madonna's gay friends) had to go.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Don't cross a queen!

I met Christopher several times in the late 90's at uber gay haunt Beige, and I have to say, he was one snotty queen. But then again, if I was Madonna's brother, I'd be one snotty queen, too - hell, I'm already a snotty queen. LOL.

Unfortunately, time has not been kind to Christopher - perhaps he could use a portion of his book money on some "work."

In any event, I just can't wait to read the book - it comes out July 15.