PAPA DON'T PREACH

Madonna. Ok, first off, we all love Madonna. I mean, she’s a legend. Who doesn’t love a Midwestern gal who shows up in Times Square with $30 in her pocket and with pluck, luck and probably lots of free fucks, becomes the biggest pop sensation in the world. Like a virgin, she ushered in the video age and introduced east village street sass to the mall masses. In Reagan-era conservatism, Madonna’s sexcapades and gay antics were a Godsend, so kudos to the material girl. So long Judy, hello Madonna.

But that was then, and this is now. In other words, Madge, it’s time to hang up your leotard and go home. In fact, it’s getting kind of embarrassing. A mother of two with a phony British accent should not be pushing pop records.

And would she please shut up and stop calling herself an “artist.” In the March Harper’s Bazaar she goes at it again, comparing herself to such female greats as Frida Kahlo and Sylvia Plath. What a fucking ego! I’m sorry, but it takes more than a bottle of peroxide and a gap tooth to become an artist. And isn’t kabala and the little red string supposed to squelch the ego. NOT.

And please, no more movies– anyone who had the stomach to sit through the dreadful “Swept away” knows what I mean. Her acting is so wooden and forced she makes Hilary Duff look like Meryl Steep. And what was with the lighting and makeup – she looked 100 years old. Personally, if I were Madonna, I would have divorced my husband/director on the spot. When caught by the press exiting the theatre, former friend Sandra Bernhard was asked her opinion, with a twinkle in her eye she smirked, “Let’s just say I was swept away.” Priceless.

Her latest song and video for “Hung up” is yet another multi-media mess. I give her props – it’s a catchy song, but I guess we can really thank the genius that is Abba, which provided Madonna with the sampled backbeat and chorus. In the video, Madonna is boogieing down the street with a gang of ghetto teenagers, who all appear to love her abbaesque song. Please, when was the last time you saw a 47-year-old cracker in Gucci boots hanging with the homies and dancing to Abba? Ridiculous. I’m surprised she didn’t get Fifty Cent to rap with her to give her some street cred.

Now I just want Madonna to go away. She can settle in at her English estate and practice yoga, hang out with Stella and Gweny and write more idiotic children’s books. I don’t want her singing “The Great American Songbooks” ala sellout Rod Stewart or going on a 5-year “Farewell Tour” ala Cher or giving preachy speeches about peace in the middle east. I just want her to go away.