MISTER, SISTER, TWISTER

Gay men can be divided into three groups - mister, sister and the dreaded twister.

Misters are rare in the gay universe – these naturally manly men enjoy sports, Wrangler jeans and drinking beer. Generally, these men are tops; and are basically oblivious to the shallowness of gay culture. As I said, these men are rare, and thus, are highly coveted in the gay world. When in doubt about your mister’s authenticity, check his medicine chest for any sisterly signs such as a jar of Lancôme eye cream.

Sisters form the bulk of the gay community – loud queens who love to dance, prance and romance every designer by name. Trust me, sisters are not hard to miss – white belts, cropped pants and flip-flops are dead giveaways.

The dreaded twister is really a sister trying to pass himself off as a mister. Many a queen who has thought to have bagged a true mister is only to be disappointed to find floral chintz shower curtains and a jar of Crème le Mar lurking the in the bathroom. Worse yet, after a few beers, your mister opens his mouth to speak and a purse falls out.

A twister is not a bad man, but things can get nasty when a twister takes himself too seriously. We all know who these twisters are - they strut around the gym with tattoos, muscles and buzz cuts pretending to be misterly while casting disapproving eyes at the sisters.

But watch closely: It might be a hand gesture, a pursed lip or a slightly swishy walk, but inside that twister is a sister just busting to come out and try on a pair of Jimmy Choos.

So my dear queens, keep these notes in mind the next time you are cruising 8th avenue. And if you are lucky, you just might bag the rare mister – because every now and then, every gay man deserves a mister moment.