Tuesday, April 10, 2007

DOWNTOWN DOGS

I love dogs – I don’t love barking dogs.

Let me explain:

I live in a rear apartment in the East Village, which is normally very quiet. When I moved into the building over a decade ago, the neighborhood was home to a strong bohemian culture. However, since the Nazi-enforced Giuliani clean-up program, rich Connecticut cunts and Jersey jack-offs in True Religion jeans and Balanciaga handbags have moved in.

I mean, they walk around the neighborhood as if they own it.

Sadly, in reality, they do.

Over the past few years, these “bought-and-paid-for” fashionistas have bought up many of the smaller buildings and turned them into grand homes with suburban decks complete with hot tubs and bikini-clad girls.

One such uptown turned downtown dork spent months noisily constructing a three-season porch, which he uses for loud parties in the summer. OK, I can deal with that. Never mind that this noise travels upwards and affects hundreds of people in the hundreds of apartments surrounding his three-season porch.

Recently, this asshole purchased two large dogs that bark nonstop in his backyard. The surrounding neighbors have screamed from their windows etc…to no avail – and yes, while we are on the topic, the rich do think they are better.


After much thought and barking nights, I decided to take a page from a Seinfeld script.

I wrote a note to the asshole and explained that the barking dogs were disturbing – I then explained in great detail that I could easily throw a raw hamburger ball laced with rat poison into his backyard.

Yes, sometimes you have to be an asshole to fight an asshole.

PS – It’s been quiet ever since.

28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Honey you have to admit that since Giuliani cleaned up New York it is a better place to live and a very fun place to visit.I have visited a few times and only once was I afraid on the street late at night.I just hope Bloomberg keeps up the job Giuliani started because New York is a fabulous place to visit.Love Julie

Anonymous said...

oof!!! that is rough! I'd make a slanderous homophobic remark now, but I am too stunned.

mistermakeup said...

Oh, please, you try living with a dog constantly barking and see what it makes you do!!

mistermakeup said...

PS - I love a good slanderous homophobic remark - that is, if it is witty.

Anonymous said...

we nyc'er don't need people like julie coming in from the suburbs and polluting the east vilalge.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous @11:10 first of all I'm not from the suburbs and second of all at least I have the balls to put my name on my comments. Now sit on that for a while.Julie

Anonymous said...

I want to wish everyone peace, love and harmony, whether or not you call yourself a NYC resident.

We welcome everyone here.

Even mistermakeup has to agree that variety is what makes this beautiful city so interesting, and it's part of what makes us proud to live here.

We're not superior, we are all brothers and sisters, and we welcome all of you here. It's a very big apple and there's room enough for everyone, Julie included.

M'wah to everyone in the Midwest, the Middle East, and the borough of Brooklyn.

Anonymous said...

You so called nyc’er need to get a life. The world does not revolve around any of you. NYC was here long before you and will be here long after you. You people are arrogant, and just down right ignorant. I am saddened to have people in NYC like you or even in this country.Get a life.

Anonymous said...

" Arf", says Sandy!..... susan

mistermakeup said...

Oh honey, with that much positive energy I almost had an Oprah moment. I much prefer my negative Nancy's.

mistermakeup said...

You tell 'em Miss Julie - it gets downright nasty on MM's blog - and we take no prisoners.

BERTHA FROM VEGAS said...

I love it, I had this cat who kept coming into my garden and shitting...Well lets just say Bertha dont put up with shit (big tits yes, but no shit)...Sadly that cat is no longer with us!

Anonymous said...

I love NYC and all that shit, but you know who NYC can do without?

The whining raping PR day parade thugs who grab at women and piss on the sidewalks

You gotta love stores on 5th Avenue barracading windows to protect their merchandise

NYC is not the wild wild west

go back to your shitty island and dance to your reggaeton

tootles, gringo Mark

mistermakeup said...

Bravo darling - the one thing I love about NYC is that it loves/encourages politically incorrectness - I mean, we spawned Al Sharpton, who on one hand demonizes anyone who ridicules blacks, while he ridicules Jews. I guess in NYC, you can shit where you eat.

Anonymous said...

Wow MM so much drama all because of 1 little comment.
But that’s what I love about your blog.
Dog lover or not a barking dog is
hard to deal with.
The one that should get the laced hamburger is the dog owner. Lucy J

Anonymous said...

Bertha, I bet your cat was a PR.

That's how they act here too.

mistermakeup said...

If I could have given the owner a custom-made hamburger ball sans jail time, believe me, I would have. LOL.

Anonymous said...

You know Im sure that you are going to go to Hell, so Id go to Minnesota and enjoy the cold weather while you can as your sure to be guaranteed a Hot place in eternity! Jim

mistermakeup said...

Honey, we are already living in hell or haven't you checked the newspapers lately?

And for the record, MM would never kill a dog - sometimes it just takes a threat to solve the problem - and guess what...problem has been solved and no more barking dog from a selfish and ignorant neigbor.

Nick Hobart said...

your blog is like an AA meeting.

mistermakeup said...

Being a Virgo, I don't have substance abuse issues - many others, but not substance - but I don't know about AA meetings - don't they meet in some awful YMCA or Legion Hall and sit around in a circle with bad lighting. I don't think MM would like. I'm sure the surroundings and faces are better in LA.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you could send 12 pizzas to his apartment? And say they are a gift from his neighbors...BUT stick him with the bill!!!

Anonymous said...

You ever thought of letting the dog owner fuck you in the ass?

mistermakeup said...

The thought did cross MM's mind, but if you saw the owner, you wouldn't let him fuck a watermelon, let alone your ass.

Anonymous said...

You could have always shit all over him while he had his cock in your ass...Im sure that would have kept he and his dogs silent!

mistermakeup said...

I have no idea how that would keep the dogs silent. MM is not into toilet sex.

Anonymous said...

Not from what I hear

mistermakeup said...

I always say any PR is better than no PR - I guess those bathroom walls do talk - just spell my name right, darliing.