WHY?

I heard something hysterical and oh-so true the other day: Why do women - and gay men - wear cropped capri pants? I mean, they just make your legs look shorter and your ass look wider and flatter - not a becoming look.

THE WAR

I've been watching the amazing PBS mini-series "The War" - and I think it's truely amazing. One thing I found interesting is that President Franklin Roosevelt sent his son to the front lines, which made me wonder why Dubya hasn't sent his daughters to Iraq if he believes so strongly in his war.

Yes, another Republican hypocrite.

ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR

Ok, there is one guy I hate more than any Republican and his name is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - President of Iran.

Today at his speech at Columbia University he not only questioned the truth of the holocaust, which is one of the most documented and researched events in history, he also denied that homosexuals exist in Iran. Of course, the audience burst into laughter at such an idiotic statement...to which he said: "In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who's told you that we have this."

Honey, there are plenty of queers in Iran, they're just married to women and sucking dick on the side. Hmmm...I think that still makes them homosexual.

He also questioned if Muslims were involved in 9/11, and he hemmed and hawed about his previous statements about wanting Israel wiped off the map.

Yes, we are dealing with a madman. I worry about a nuclear Iran and I fully support whatever methods it takes to disarm them.

Am I a war monger? In this case yes. I mean, you only have to watch the wonderful PBS series airing right now called "The War" to see what happens when madmen are left unchecked.

APPLE DIED

My Apple computer died, so my blog will be sketchy for a few weeks. I hate Apple computers - they only sell you insurance/support for three years and then you are on your own - in other words, after three years you're fucked.

Is it just me, but shouldn't a computer last longer than three years?

I say fuck Apple and all their god damn ipods, iphones and other bullshit.

THE SOUTH

This Jena 6 thing is crazy.

In the first place, this was bound to happen. I mean, what school would allow white students to label the ground under a tree “whites” only? I mean, this is 2007. Then again, we are talking about the south.

ASSHOLES

Damn, I hate Republicans. I mean, are they all assholes?

Presidential contender Mitt Romney has launched a radio advertisement to voice his support of a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. I mean, who cares if thousands of our young men and women are dying in a Republican generated Iraq war or that the gap between the rich and poor is growing greater every day. No, what matters most is changing the constitution to include prejudice and hate.

Like I said, I hate Republicans.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

I don't get this Amy Winehouse?

I mean, everyone is championing her talents as if she were the next Joni Mitchell.

I say, oh please.

All this girl is doing is mimiking 1960's Motown soul and mixing it up with a dash of Dusty Springfield. I mean, she even copies Dusty's trademark Cleopatra makeup and beehive hairstyle.

Can't the kids today come up with anything original?

AMAZING

I went to a premier of a new film the other night, and to put it mildly, I was blown away by what I saw on the screen. I mean, it was simply amazing.

"Across the Universe" is a collection of 33 Beatle's songs weaved together karaoke-style to form a brief history of the 1960's. I have never been a big fan of the Beatles - too hetro and mainstream for me - but this film is a must-see. I know some of the critics have knocked it, but I loved it.

THE LAST SHOUT

This is the last installment about my big gay cruise – and then it’s back to politics, sex and other politically incorrect shit.

I forgot to mention that while we were docked in a beautiful seaside resort town in Germany, the locals kept asking me if I “was part of the big gay cruise”. This being Germany, I didn’t know what to say…I know my lip line said it all darlings, but that’s not the point. I mean, just a few short decades ago, the Germans masquerading as Nazis gassed us fags to death, so I was reluctant to say yes or no.

“Oh, we have big surprise for you when you leave,” they smiled.

Great, the first gay cruise to Germany and the locals were planning to sink our ship. Well, to my surprise, when the boat left the port, hundreds of Germans had gathered on the pier and were waving and cheering us off. I guess gay dollars do speak after all.

I have to mention St. Petersburg, Russia, too. It was my favorite place on the big gay cruise. Tourists are not allowed on Russian soil unless you have a very expensive Russian Visa or you take part in a pricey tour excursion. For my daytime activities, I went on a riverboat cruise on the various canals and rivers that intertwine throughout the city. St. Petersburg is beautiful…from the blue Winter Palace to the gold room at the Hermitage Museum to the wide Parisian boulevards. The Russians don’t have much money, so most of the buildings are in a serious state of decay.

Only on a gay cruise would one of the pricey excursions be a midnight visit to a local gay club. Forget the museums and historic stuff, I wanted to see how the locals partied, danced and dressed.

We were told by our tour operators to bring sunglasses.

Why?

Since it was July, we were still experiencing “white nights” – a time of the year when the sun doesn’t completely set until midnight and then rises again at around 3:30 AM - so the sunglasses would come in handy at 5 am.

The club, Central Station, was amazing. I mean, if anyone has ever wondered where the mythical Babylon from Queer as Folk is, it’s in Russia. The five-story club was really several clubs in one complete with spontaneous drag performances, gyrating go-go boys and a serious dark room.

I loved the trendy wendy room that was packed with fashionista’s “shalaging” to cheesy euro-pop. What is shalaging? It's a form of dance that originated in Sweden that you sing and act out the lyrics of a song as if you were in a music video - I swear I'm not making this up.

The Chelsea-fied boat queens ran from the room, but I had found my tribe. I was at home with the flaming fags in 80s clothes, shag haircuts and thick eyeliner. As I looked down at my "try too hard to fit in on the boat" Ralph Lauren Polo shirt, I was suddenly embarrassed of my normal attire...but I didn't let that bother me. I jumped up on a platform and started shalaging and waving my freak flag.

As the 5 am hour approached, I paid a visit to the dark room. I mean, who doesn’t love a night of dancing, drinking and debauchery? When the fun was over, I looked down to discover a bear from Long Island I had met on the boat. I had to laugh – half way across the globe and I end up getting head from someone who lives a few miles from my apartment.

It was without a doubt, the best night of the cruise.

WHY?

It was sad watching train wreck Britney Spears waddle around the stage at the MTV video awards last night. I mean, why her handlers let her perform in the first place is a mystery to me.

Not only did she appear stoned out of her mind, but her lip syncing and dancing made her look like a joke from the American Idol try outs.

And that bikini? Doesn't she own a full-length mirror? She should take a cue from Liza - "Show the best and cover the rest." Amen.

Sadly, her legitimate career is over - all hail the new Anna Nicole Smith.

HE'S BACK

MILWAUKEE

I took a road trip to visit a friend in Milwaukee this past weekend - and the home of Laverne and Shirley has changed a lot since my last visit - and for the better. Sure there are still tons of blue collar guys with big bellies and scary ghetto folks, but the east side has cleaned itself up rather nicely and is lined with fun restaurants and coffee shops. In fact, I like Milwaulkee more than Minneapolis.

But let's not forget we are in the Midwest.

As the picture above proves, there is still a long way to go - these are some scary beeetches.

ON A STICK

As much as I complain about Minnesota, I do the love the annual State Fair - the largest in the United States. I mean, it's the only place I know that serves every imaginable food on a stick. I love the clear blue August skies and the utter campiness of a State Fair in the year 2007.

I also like looking at the hundreds of hot small town baby misters. I think Andy Warhol said it best..."The older I get, the better looking the young become."

I'M NOT GAY

Don't you love it when hypocritical republicans like Larry Craig fuck up?

I do.

Every fag in Minneapolis is aware that the airport bathroom is ripe with closet cases looking for dick to suck - and also ripe with undercover police. I mean, who cares if terrorists are plotting to blow up the airport, let's spend our money on catching those disgusting fudge packers.

I laughed out loud when I heard Mr. Craig describe his "wide leg stance" when taking a dump or his remark that he was "just picking up toilet paper off the floor." I guess Senator Larry Craig won't be getting his usual 100 percent rating by the Family Values Association this year. No sirree.

He can now join the ranks of other closeted self-hating homos like Mark Foley and Ted Haggard.

I say good riddance.

LAND OF THE BLAND

I am in Minneapolis for my annual summer vacation. I have plenty to write about...such as why does every woman in the state of Minnesota have a lesbianonic "bob" haircut? Gross. I mean, it's very unfuckable.

More to come of my unhappy stay in Minneapolis tomorrow.

2000 FAGS ON A BOAT (PART 8) PARTIES

2000 FAGS ON A BOAT (PART 7) COMPARE AND DISPAIR

There are a million places to dine on a cruise. I mean, you can have your choice of any worldly cuisine in the many restaurants and buffets. But the best dining experience bar none is the grand 5-star San Marco; where white-coated waiters serve lobster, filet mignon, veal and other delicacies – and yes, there is the army of silver wear to sort through.

Now on most cruises, you are assigned a table for the duration of your cruise, but that isn’t the case on a gay cruise. Each night you are seated with a new slew of queens to make small talk with. I mean, some evenings you can have the good fortune to be seated with a group of fun fags, but other nights you end up with a painful serving of compare and despair.

Let me explain:

On a bad night, my best friend Peter and I would have to sit and listen to wealthy and happy monogamous couples chat endlessly about their various 40-acre mansions, beachfront condos in St. Tropez and other assorted prizes of wealth.

Over the five-course meal, Peter and I (both single and middle class) would stare at each other and ponder at what point in the homo road of life did we take the wrong turn.

Some nights we choose to dine in the buffet because we couldn’t take another evening of being reminded that we were both romantically and financially inferior.

2000 FAGS ON A BOAT (PART 6) SEX

OK - everyone wants to know about sex on the big gay cruise. Well, there is some hooking up - but not as much as you think. I mean, the boat was full of happy - I hate them - couples, but if you wanted a quick poke, you could easily find it.

Of course, the steam room was a total suck and fuck fest; and the hot tubs were so packed with horny men that they resembled bowls of "bear soup." And let's not forget the "14th floor" - the tippy-top little deck for nude sunbathing that transformed into an al fresco orgy after midnight.

But the "let's get busy" award goes to Sam and Rob. This frisky couple plastered their cabin door with printed up postcards advertising their travel schedule and their sexual likes and dislikes.

No, I didn't knock on their door, but I saw plenty that did.

2000 FAGS ON A BOAT (PART 5) BELINDA CARLISLE HAS PANTY LINES

Every gay cruise has a surprise “star” performance. On previous trips, the “star” – and I use that term extremely loosely – has been Debbie “Only in My Dreams” Gibson, Charo and Joan Rivers.

I know, has-beens one and all.

On the Baltic’s, we were joined by Go-Go Belinda Carlisle. She croaked out her various solo and Go-Go hits with a blasé smile plastered on her face. Clad in a drab "garden party" pantsuit sans shoes, it was obvious as she robotically sang along to a backing track that she was in disbelief that her career had been reduced to singing on a floating resort to a bunch of drunken queens.

During a flat performance of “Circle in the Sand”, one queen leaped from the front row and screamed:

“Belinda – your music saved my life.”

As I contained my laughter from such an idiotic statement, Belinda just smirked at the poor soul and moved to the other side of the stage.

So how is the old gal holding up? I wish I could say my lips were sealed, but that isn't me, is it?

For starters, her face had that odd taut and shiny appearance ala Nicole Kidman from too much Botox and filler; and her neck looked a little bunchy from an ill-fated neck lift, but for 51 she looked pretty good.

What really surprised me were the visible panty lines on her wide pancake flat ass. I mean, I know she lives in southern France, but hasn’t she heard of Spanx? I just wanted to yell outloud..."Bitch, you got pantylines!"

As one old queen sitting behind me said before storming out mid- show….

“For the love of God, she can’t even sing, and for all the money we paid for this trip, she could at least put on a nice dress and a pair of Jimmy Choos.”

2000 FAGS ON A BOAT (PART 4) THE LOWER FACE

What I've discovered on the boat is that gay men of all ages tend to dress like teenage boys....well, some can get away with it, and others cannot.

I mean, you can wear all the A & F gear you want; and stuff your face to the brim with botox and fillers, but what gives away your age more than anything is a saggy lower face.

You know, double chins, slack jawlines, droopy jowls. I mean, if you're gonna dress like a teenager, at least have the good sense to scrutinize your face and take appropriate action with your surgeon.