MARRIED MEN

I'm seeing a married man - and the sex is incredible. I mean, the man is hot to trot from the time he walks in the door to the time he leaves.

Did I mention the sex is hot?

I can't believe his wife doesn't know her husband is a tad light in the loafers. I mean, he's pumped up like a Chelsea queen, but he has one-thing most gay boys don’t: Body hair – and I love it.

I've had gal pals in the past tell me that wedding rings were an aphrodisiac, but I never believed them.

Well, honey, in this case it's true.

Judge me all you want, but every boy should play the other woman at least once.

ROSIE, I'M GONNA MISS YA

Love her or hate her, you have to admit she had balls - and those balls made good TV.

I mean, unlike everyone else on the boob tube, Rosie - because of her vast wealth - wasn't afraid of shit - and that includes ABC and Barbara Walters.

It's refreshing to hear someone speak his or her views without fear of being fired etc....However, I do think it was rather cowardly of her to quit three weeks early. I mean, it does kinda look like she backed down to Elizabitch.

I'll miss you Rosie.

IDOL CHATTER

OK, here are my thoughts on last night's American Idol finale.

I adored it!

It was so tacky and over-the-top you would have to be an asshole not to like it. I loved the goofy and happy smiles on the Idol kids - it's not often you see so much joy in one place.

Joy or no joy, the show did have a few scary moments.

No more surgery for Smokey Robinson. I'm sorry, but he looked like an Asian puppet. I mean, men should never have their eyes done. Have we learned nothing from the mishaps of Kenny Rogers and Burt Reynolds? On the other side of the scalpel, Miss Gladys Knight took her midnight train last night and looked amazing. I don't know if she's had "work", but if so, the knife is her bestfriend.

I love Kelly Clarkson - what a voice! I mean, even though she's like your tacky cousin from the trailer park who talks with her mouth full, you gotta love her.

But honey, a piece of queer eye advice: get a full-length mirror. I mean, you are way too fat to be squeezed into a skinny mini with thigh-high boots. Honestly, I'm surprised Clive Davis didn't pull her off the stage. Same goes for the bellbottom beer belly-baring outfit she wore with Joe Perry - although she did sound amazing.

And poor Bette Midler - does she have the same stylist as Kelly? I mean, just because it's black, does not make it slimming. I'm sorry, but the Divine Miss M was out of tune and out of place.

I am a big fan of Paula Abdul. She's as loopy as Anna Nicole Smith, but that's her charm. And I don't blame her one iota if she's fucking all the male Idols - I wish I could, too. I love when she stands up and cheers, cries and dances with the performers. Say what you want, Miss Abdul is the only Idol judge to experience a #1 hit; and the only judge to ride the pop rollercoaster first hand.

I can't wait for next year.

PS - Yes, I did see the Rosie/Elizabitch fight. I admire feisty Elizabitch for holding her own, but Rosie was right - Elizabitch never did back up her "friend" when Fox accused Rosie of calling the American troops terrorists. I'm no fan of Muslims, but over 100,000 Iraqi civilians have been killed.... and who killed them?

I think we know the answer.

IS ANYONE SURPRISED?

In a nationwide survery - one of the most exhaustive ever conducted of American Muslim attitudes - found that one out of four - that 26 %!!! - young U.S. Muslims believe suicide bombings against innocent civilians are OK to defend Islam.

The nationwide survey also found widespread doubt that Islamic terrorists carried out the 9/11 attacks.

I've said it before, and I've seen it with my own two eyes, but now I have proof - Muslims are bad news.

IT'S HARD OUT THERE FOR A STR8 MAN

Life is different in the Midwest.

I have a few questions:

Why do all Midwestern women over the age of 25 have short lesbian-esque haircuts with bad highlights?

And why do all Midwestern women over 25 gain 40 pounds and wear high-waisted pleated “mom’ jeans, or worse yet, “mom” pleated khakis. I mean, I really do pity the str8 men in the Midwest.

I will never forget an Oprah episode about sexless marriages. Up on the stage were obese women complaining about a lack of intimacy in their marriages. Seated next to the fatties were their husbands who complained about the weight gain of their wives. The poor men sat there while Oprah and the other fatties berated the husbands for being unloving and superficial.

What bullshit.

Every woman knows that men like porn and pretty things, so I doubt these men would have dreamed they would be fucking a whale for the rest of their lives. I mean, get real – it’s not that hard to put down the fork, put some makeup on and go for a walk.

You know, it’s hard out there for a str8 man.

THE DEM TICKET

I've said it before and I'm saying it again.

The democratic 2008 ticket is going to be Gore/Obama.

Remember: You read it here first.

MELINDA NO-NECK

Thank Goodness the old lady is gone.

I mean, there is a reason this 29 year-old is a back-up singer - she has no pizazz whatsoever. And after last year's senior citizen winner Taylor Hicks, Idol needs some fresh blood to keep the franchise going.

My vote is for Blake.

CHANGES - MANHATTAN STYLE

I ran into an artist friend today that I had not seen in years. She was decked out in head-to-toe Prada and accessorized with a pale green Marc Jacobs’s handbag and a mouth full of perfect veneers. Needless to say, I was a tad shocked. I mean, the last time I saw her she was running around the East Village in a 70’s thrift store lime green leisure suit with matching platform shoes.

Over coffee she lavished me with photos of her fabulous loft and stories of her trips to Paris. She told me she had married rich and was deliriously happy.

As I sat there sipping my soy latte from a chipped cup in my low-slung jeans, which I had found in my hallway, I couldn’t help but to think how different we now were.

As if reading my mind, she spoke:

“You know, I just got sick of pretending that Goodwill clothes were chic and thrift store knick knacks gave my apartment individuality,” she deadpanned. “I was sick of dressing and living in other people’s lives – I wanted my own life.”

It made sense to me, but as I walked back to my thrift store and garbage can decorated apartment, it got me to thinking….can money buy happiness? I think it can – at least in Manhattan.

HELLO WHOOPI

It was announced that Academy Award winner Whoopi Goldberg will be replacing Rosie O on The View.

I think it's a good choice.

Whoopi is one of the rare performers - along with Barbra Streisand, Rita Moreno and Liza Minnelli - to win the grand slam - Oscar, Emmy, Grammy and Tony. To be the recipient of so many awards and to end up on The View is another blog entirely, but I swear I don't mean that in a bitchy way - OK, maybe I do.

I think Whoopi - no stranger to controversy - will keep The View's political pot - and ratings - boiling with her far left views; and poor preggers Elizabeth will no doubt have her hands full representing the Republican view.

However, Whoopi lacks the one thing that made Rosie so popular: compassion. Say what you will, but folks from both red and blue states loved Rosie. I mean, Rosie's strong opinions were always carefully balanced with her charity for children's causes and her tears for returning vets.

Somehow, I don't think Whoopi will generate the same kind of love from the audience.

BUSH

Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low - 28 percent. I mean, that's 3 out of 4 Americans that despise him - including myself.

The last president to have such low numbers was Carter during the Iran hostage crisis. Carter left office somewhat disgraced, but he went on to a compassionate and remarkable post-president career that resulted in a Nobel Peace prize.

Somehow, I don't think Bush will be as lucky.

A FEW THINGS I HATE

Why do people wait in line at Trader Joe's with one carton of eggs for 30 minutes? I mean, do these people have a life? If I'm going to wait in line, it has to be for stuff that I can't get anywhere else - and I always buy in bulk, so I won't have to come back often.

Why do people who shop and work at health food stores always look so unhealthy and act so grumpy? Sometimes in life a good Big Mac is just what the doctor ordered.

Why do fat women always ride the elevator for one floor? I mean, there is a reason why your ass is so fat.

Why do people talk in movies? I think one should be allowed to carry and use a stun gun in theaters.

Why do people insist on wearing the new skinny jeans when they are far from skinny? Can anyone say full-length mirror? Please, buy one and use it.

LIFE'S A DRAG

With the Republican candidates slightly ahead in the polls, I think it's time to dissect these flip floppers.

Let's start with Giuliani (that's him in the photo above). He was a social Nazi when he ran NYC, and he helped destroy much of its bohemian charms, which paved the way for the Connecticut cunts and the Disney land feel of Times Square. And let's not forget how in a Hitler-esque way he tried to stop an art exhibit that featured a Virgin Mary constructed of cow dung.

Can anyone say free speech?

But he did have his good points: He marched in every gay pride parade; and when "Victor Victoria" was on Broadway, he dragged himself up in a wig and a dress for charity. And when his wife found out about Judi, he moved in with a gay couple. Oh, and he was pro-choice.

Now all of a sudden, he's telling the Christian right he would put conservative judges on the bench - meaning anti-abortion and anti-gay marriage.

Can anyone say flip-flop?

Ok, let's move on to flip flopper John McCain. In 2000, he called Jerry Falwell and others hate mongers "voices of intolerance".

Well, he's now giving speeches at Christian colleges.

Sure, he's a war hero, but is being a war hero something to be proud of? I'm not making judgments, just asking. Also, he's a hundred years old and all crippled up from his war injuries and can barely walk - I'm sorry, but in these times of terror, I want a president who can run as well as walk.

And finally, the one I depise the most is Mitt Romney. For starters, he's a Mormon. I'm sorry, but I've seen "Big Love" on HBO and these people are just plain crazy. I mean, this freak is against everything - abortion, stem cell research, gay marriage, civil unions and even domestic partner benefits!

This one scares me almost as much as George W. Bush.

GAY TODAY, GONE TOMORROW

There is a new phenomenon in Manhattan - the straight gay man.

Let me explain:

I'm not talking about the phony and ridiculous straight "Chelsea boys" with their tattoos and shaved heads who prance about like ballerinas while professing they are straight acting and appearing. NO NO NO!

I'm talking about straight men that actually like playing sports, drinking beer and hanging out with their buds. I mean, they have girlfriends, wives and kids, but they also like a little dick on the side. I've been reading about these men on sex sites for months, but I thought they were an urban myth like alligators in the sewers...until yesterday.

I was on a shoot for a fitness magazine; and I thought the model was straight as an arrow - he talked non-stop about his girlfriend and the "game" on the tube. He also kept complimenting me on my skin and my surgically enhanced lips. Hmmm...I thought.... let’s play this one out. I told him I had some acne cream he could use, but it was at my apartment.

He called and is coming over tomorrow to watch the game.

ROSIE

Well, I knew it was too good to last.

I'm talking about Rosie on The View.

Thanks to America's scariest lesbian, she turned a 10-year old snorefest into something worth watching. I mean, even if you hated her far left views, you have to agree that she made the show entertaining.

Who knows why she left...I don't think she was fired, because the ratings and reviews were superb. My guess is that the brass at ABC asked her to tone it down, but zillionaire Rosie said no dice.

I'll miss you Rosie.

IPOD PROBLEM

Ipods cause many problems from accidents to sore ear drums. Well, now add farts to that list of problems.

Let me explain.

I was at Crunch tonight sweating it out on the bike, when the rider next to me let out a series of disgusting farts.

No, I don't like fart jokes, and this ain't no joke. This guy had on his ipod, so he probably thought he could sneak out a little one. Well, honey, he squirted out a couple that were so loud I think Helen Keller heard them. I mean, heads turned.

So, dear ipod users, please remember that just because you don't hear your bodily noises, others do.

GOTTA LAUGH

I was out late Saturday night having coffee - an iced decaf soy latte with Splenda - when I heard the funniest thing.

One friend asked another:

"What celebrity do you most admire."

The friend answered without missing a beat:

"Oprah - because it's amazing someone so evil does so much good in the world."

I laughed myself silly.

CABARET

A few weeks back, I ran into Joel Grey and his “Dirty Dancing” nose-jobbed-herself-out-of-a job daughter Jennifer on Christopher Street. I mean, Mr. Grey and his impish face are hard to miss. I guess I was staring a tad too hard, because he stuck out his hand and introduced himself. I mumbled a few star struck words and I was on my way, but it got me to thinking of Mr. Grey’s Oscar-winning role in Cabaret; and what a landmark film it was.

Although Cabaret is 25 years old, it is as fresh and reverent in 2007 as it was in 1972. Filmed by famed Broadway director Bob Fosse, his Broadway meets Hollywood mish mash style is all the rage today, but in 1972 it was quite new. I mean, his eerie meandering cinematography is a mesmerizing visual visit to a 1930's Berlin that is both haunting and disturbingly beautiful.

The movie is based on a short story from Christopher Isherwood’s brilliant memoir Berlin Stories. The plot is simple: A collection of social misfits – gays, transsexuals, Jews, performers, drunks, gold diggers – that live their lives in and around a decadent cabaret. As the characters smile and cry amidst the poverty and ruin of post World War 1 Germany, Hitler and his Nazis are slowly gaining political strength that will forever change the social landscape – the divine innocence would soon be gone.

The film won eight Oscars. Unfortunately, like many classic films, the actors that embodied the roles so brilliantly were forever pigeonholed. Liza Minnelli, now considered a haggard media joke, so embodied the part of Sally Bowles it stunted her career. But no matter how many gay men she weds or how many Letterman jokes she becomes, her Oscar winning portrayal is pure genius and can never be denied her.

As Cher - another fallen Oscar winner - recently said to her hecklers …”Fuck you, I’ve got an Oscar.”

Rent or buy Cabaret – it’s not only a visual treat, but also a slice of history that is educational, thought provoking and wildly entertaining.

GUNS GROW IN VIRGINIA

When is America going to wake-up and pass a tough gun control law? These mass killings are happening so frequently, I'm kinda numb to the whole thing - and that's not good.

I mean, how many people have to die?

And what does this say about Bush and his republican cronies who champion the right to carry a gun? It's no secret the gun lobby in Washington is one of the strongest lobbies in history - and that's criminal!

I ask these gun fanatics: Why do you feel the need to carry a gun?

Condi (Cunti) Rice champions the right to bear arms by claiming her grandfather saved his family from the Klan with his gun. Oh, please - what bullshit. If the Klan wanted to nail her grandpa, believe me, one black man with a gun would not have stopped them. But that's the argument these gun kooks use - guns will protect us. Well, every study in every country has found the opposite to be true - the more guns a society has, the more guns a society will use.

Wake up America.

THE BRECK GIRL

What is the big fucking deal if John Edwards wants to shell out $400 on a haircut? I mean, does anyone mention the price Hillary or Laura or Georgie or Condi pay for his or her cuts and colors?

I think not.

Trust me, the rich are just different – and that doesn’t make them bad – and $400 to the rich is like $40 to you or I.

THANK GOODNESS

Thank goodness, Minnesota has come to its senses and voted to penalize Muslim cabdrivers that refuse to transport airport passengers with guide dogs or passengers with unopened bottles of liquor.

Of course, the towelheads are up in arms and claiming religious discrimination.

I say: FUCK YOU.

If one takes a public service job such as a taxi driver, one must pick up the public. I mean, numerous passengers were dumped at the side of the road in questionable neighborhoods after the driver became aware that the passenger was transporting liquor.

America only needs to look across the pond to England to see what occurs when the Muslims are left unchecked.

I applaud my home state.

But it doesn't end there - read this amazing and informative article printed in the Minneapolis Star/Tribune, which is normally as liberal as liberal gets. The article details how Muslims have websites dedicated to bending entire colleges to their religious ways. Several colleges have already buckled under the pressure and are now catering to Muslims - Muslim holidays, head scarves for women, halal food at cafeterias, separate housing for Muslim women, separate times at the gym for Muslims - at the expense of other religions. Truly shocking. Read the article - copy and paste to your browser. http://www.startribune.com/191/story/1122449.html